Season 1, Episode 8: The Perfect Mom

This week, I am covering season one, episode eight: Perfect Mom. Finally, an episode about me.

There is an announcement on the West Beverly radio station about an upcoming mother/daughter charity fashion show. The problematic DJ says that there will be rubber bikinis for the ladies and spacious evening gowns for those big boned gals. God for bid those big boned ladies wear bikinis or not completely cover themselves up!

Andrea sarcastically asks the news room full of men who wants to cover the fashion show, stating she’d prefer a first person account, again, to this room full of men. Brandon nominates her, because he’s kind of an ass and Andrea says her viewpoint is a little slanted. Brandon presses on, stating that as journalist, she should be able to be impartial. Which they should, but Andrea is not happy. And it still makes a Brandon an ass. She asks to speak to him in her office, which is the hallway. This is better than my office, which is the bathroom. She tells Brandon it’s one thing for her to lie to the school, it’s something else for her mom to have to do it to participate in a school sponsored fashion show. Brandon says she can ask his mom, because he thinks Andrea could really stand to “loosen up.” Considering that I’m sure his mom still makes his lunch, he sure likes to tell people how to live their lives. And never tell a woman to loosen up. You are the reason we are so anxious and uptight! 

Scott, his Lakers hat, and David are discussing the fashion show and the possibility of seeing Kelly and her “great body.“ Gross. David then hoists his video camera up on his shoulder and we see Kelly through his lens, surrounded by a group of girls, pawing through what I’m assuming are some of the donated items. Where is she storing these clothes during class, like in her locker? How big are the lockers at WBHS? The girls walk away with them, and all I can think is what a horrible process. I have never participated in a mother/daughter fashion show, but surely trusting a bunch of teenage girls to not only take care of expensive clothing, but remember to bring it with might be a ill-advised. Kelly tells Brenda these are the second string outfits, she’s got their outfits at her house.

David tell Scott that he plans on recording the fashion show from behind the scenes and that Kelly will “get off on it.“ I have nothing funny to add to this because this is also gross.

Bigger budget Jackie Taylor is hanging by the pool in a fringe bikini and a pretty muscular physique, explaining to her friend Nina that she is so happy and fulfilled. She has a new man in her life who delivers in all departments. Again, gross. And why does she need a man to be fulfilled? Doesn’t she know about pizza? Kelly and Brenda show up and both women fawn over how gorgeous they think both of the girls are. Jackie tells Brenda that Midwestern girls do really well in LA, as she is from Ohio and modeled in New York before moving to LA. At 43, have I missed my opportunity to “do well” in LA.

Jackie is later seen preparing for a date, wearing a leather miniskirt and bustiers and Kelly tells her it is a little much. I think she looks amazing, but I’m a little much. Jackie tells her she is critical just like her absentee father. I didn’t know we would get into the nature/nurture debate on the show, but here we are. Kelly asks Jackie if she’s been drinking, she has, and Kelly’s disgusted with me Nina for allowing it. Kind of pointing the finger in the wrong direction Kel.

Meanwhile, at the Walsh house, Brenda tells Cindy that she’s going to have microwave popcorn for dinner because that’s what Kelly is eating. Cindy asks if Kelly‘s mom cooks for her and Brenda said she doubts it. Cindy is appalled. She tells Brenda that she remembers being 16, and Brenda is the beneficiary of her experience and she will eat her chicken Diablo and shut her mouth. First off, way to mom shame, Cindy. Cooking dinner for your 16-year-old does not define your parenting ability. Second, what is chicken Diablo? The devils chicken? I’d probably eat popcorn too.

Jackie comes storming in to what appears to be the next morning, hair a mess, makeup smeared, and missing an earring, so we know SHIT. WENT. DOWN. She tells Kelly her boyfriend broke up with her and rattles off a list of people she needs Kelly tor each out to before yelling at her for dumping out a bottle of vodka. “I thought you stopped,” Kelly says. Jackie tells her that she is a grown ass woman and won’t be bossed around by her 16 year old.  Kelly asks her to call her sponsor (aren’t we a tiny bit past that point?) and tells her to rest up for the charity luncheon TOMORROW. Resting for a whole damn day sounds AMAZING. Maybe I’ll take up alcoholism because I normally have to have majorly surgery for that to happen. And before anyone gets angry about me joking about alcoholism, I am the child of an alcoholic. I get a pass. 

Damn, I just made it dark in here.

Back at Casa Walsh, Cindy chastises Brenda for her outfit of choice (I have never been a fan of torn jeans either) and Brenda brings up Jackie again. The disdain drips from Cindy’s voice, and Brenda rightfully asks her why she’s so judgmental, before rejecting Cindy’s muffin (the nerve) and storming off to school.

David stalks Kelly with his video camera and says he wants to smell her hair. I’m pretty sure I saw the movie about this. It usually ends in a police station. 

Andrea asks Brandon if she can still borrow his mom, and he agrees, inviting her over for dinner. Andrea, a an actual respectful human, asks if she’s imposing, and super respectful Brandon says that his mom loves the burden of having to cook for additional teenagers who are not related to her.

Kelly offers to give to give Brenda a ride home and asks if they can hang out at the Walsh house because her mom is getting on her nerves. Brenda starts carrying on about how lucky Kelly is to have sucky cool Mom, and Kelly tells her she’s got problems that Brenda has no idea about and Brenda replies, “So many clothes, so little time?” Instead of actually acknowledging what Kelly is trying to tell her. Brenda is actually a rather horrible friend. I don’t like saying she kind of deserves what is coming to her, but she does.

Kelly is helping in the kitchen in the most critical way possible, telling Cindy what kind of oregano to use and making faces at the anchovies (but seriously, anchovies) Cindy obviously finds this annoying af. Almost as annoying as when Brandon asks if Andrea can join Cindy and Brenda in the mother/daughter fashion show and she realizes that Brenda never invited her. Guys, I’m going to save you some time here. Brenda is horrible. 

Cindy wants to know why she is suddenly so embarrassing (See last week’s mention of the sad perm.) Brenda tells Cindy she was more Beverly Hills in Minnesota than in Beverly Hills and Cindy agrees. She also agrees to participate in the fashion show because God forbid any of the Walsh kids have actual consequences for their action. No wonder your kids suck Cindy. 

Kelly heads home and finds she’s been locked out and her mother is not answering her knocks at the door. She comes in the house through a conspicuously large dog door and we see a golden retriever that we never see again. Kelly finds her mother passed out in bed, fully dressed. She helps her get undressed and we know this is the 90’s because we hear the sound of Velcro. Then Kelly looks off screen, so we know she is deep in thought. 

Kelly has trouble getting Jackie to wake up the next morning, so Jackie decides the best solution is to do a line of coke. She calls it a “pick me up.” I usually get a coffee or put on some glitter eyeshadow when I need a pick me up, but you do you Jackie. Kelly tells Jackie that Jack will cut off her alimony if he catches her using again. So we now know that Jackie is an alcoholic and substance abuser…..and that Kelly is a narc. 

Cut to the  fashion show, where Donna is bossing imposter Felice around. I never really liked the other Felice, but this one’s speech is so affected that I could possibly hate her with the fire of a thousand burning suns. Cindy and Brenda fawn over each other, and then over Andrea, who looks EXACTLY. THE. SAME. except she’s showing shoulder.

David shows up with Scott and his camera, and I don’t know which is creepier. Donna catches him in the dressing room (Hello, Trump) and kicks him out. Jackie and a Kelly show up late, and Jackie heads to the bathroom where Cindy catches her snorting another line. Is that the right lingo? I’m going to have to learn the terminology if I’m going to continue this blog. Everyone eventually has a drug problem in Beverly Hills. 

Brenda wants to introduce Cindy and Jackie, but Cindy hesitates when she realizes who Jackie is. Awkward! The fashion show goes about as well as you’d expect it would, being hosted by a relapsed alcoholic who’s done two lines of coke. She is very snarky, saying things like, “At least look like you’re having fun.” and “Oh my, don’t you look lovely?” It’s like if I hosted a fashion show. Andrea is fairly impressed with herself, and Jim seems to barely recognize her. She took her glasses off, Jim. Let’s all calm down. And they literally picked out the worst outfit possible for Brenda. Her dress is white, which makes her look ghostly pale, and it does absolutely nothing for her figure. Then there’s her clomping down the runway like a horse. Overall, just a hot mess. Kelly, obviously, is mortified by her mother and Brenda’s dress, and runs off stage, with Brenda chasing after her. I’m not even going to address the fact that imposter Felice is named Nancy in this episode, as it seems apropos for the disaster that is this fashion show.

Kelly tells Brenda that she tried to tell her about what was going on with her mom, and Brenda says, “When?” Uh, Brenda, like a couple paragraphs ago, I talked about this very thing. Kelly says that Jackie was supposed to have stopped using a year ago, but clearly hasn’t. She doesn’t want to go back to school, because she knows everyone will talk about her. Brenda tells her that people forget and Kelly says that she doesn’t. And she’s not going to forgive her mother either. Jennie Garth does a particularly great job in this scene and her performance and the writing start establishing Kelly as a multi-dimensional, sympathetic character.

Everyone returns to the Walsh house in Cindy reveals that she had a cousin that was an alcoholic, and she saw her struggle. She also wisely says that people shouldn’t have to be embarrassed to seek treatment, that alcoholism is a disease. Andrea tells Kelly that she thinks Kelly is strong because she never would have guessed that Kelly was dealing with all she was dealing with. Kelly then tells Andrea she never knew she was so pretty. Seriously, guys, she took her glasses off. Can we just acknowledge that now? Also, no one says anything nice to Brenda, because she’s horrible and has bad bangs.

Jackie shows up and Kelly tells her she’s not going home. Jackie apologizes and Kelly says that she needs more than an apology. Jackie tells Kelly that she loves her and Kelly says, “how is that possible when you don’t love yourself?“ Kelly tells Jackie that she wants her to go back to rehab, but Jackie says she’s got it under control, which clearly she doesn’t. Kelly tells her that she’s 16, “she’s in high school, needs someone to care for her, listen to her problems.” Jackie says she is Kelly‘s best friend and Kelly tells her she doesn’t need a best friend, she needs a mother. Jackie storms out and Cindy comforts Kelly, making Brenda realize what an asshole she truly is.

Kelly comes home to discover her mother packing for rehab.

Brenda tells Brandon she feels like such a jerk, and Brandon is like, “That tracks.“ She talks about her oblivion to Kelly‘s problems, that’s making Kelly‘s problems all about her. Typical Brenda. David comes by Kelly‘s house the next morning to give Kelly the tape of the fashion show, and actually decent thing to do. Kelly tells him he’s a nice guy and give him a kiss on the cheek. Surprisingly, he didn’t pass out this time. Jackie, by the way, looks amazing for someone going to drug and alcohol treatment, but then again it is Beverly Hills.

This episode is one of the standout episodes of the series for me, partly to do with Jennie Garth‘s performance, and partly to do with the writing. It was here that Beverly Hills 90210, demonstrated that it could deal with hard topics in a poignant way.