Episode 1: Pilot

In the last few months, I have become obsessed with podcasts. It started with true crime podcasts, and then I discovered podcasts about the YA fiction I read as a child, and the tv shows I watched as a teenager. There is one that is dedicated to what a shitty boyfriend Zack Morris really is (Preach girl), and there are several that are dedicated to breaking down episodes of the quintessential 90’s show “Beverly Hills 90210.” I grew up watching 90210 (as those of us who were super cool called it.) I’ve listened to several episodes of several different 90210 themed podcasts. I began to wonder how old these podcasters (is that right?) were. Were they watching these shows fresh, for the sake of the podcast, or had they grown up watching them as I did. It seemed as though the former were true. While recapping each episode, they spend a large portion of the time tearing the show, its plot, and its characters down. I realize that snark sells, but those of us that watched the show live while in high school feel that we owe it more than that. Or maybe that’s just me…..and hopefully everyone that is reading this. 

When the show first began in 1990, the cast were juniors in high school, given that they all were old enough to drive, but at some point that changed. Either that or they all got held back a year, because they did not graduate until the 3rd season. I was a 14 year old freshman during the inaugural year, so I thought they were me, in the future, and with better clothes and hair. 

Now that we know what Part 1 of the Pilot was about, let’s break down what we really learned during that first hour. I have to assume the pilot was shot with an uncertainty that it would be anything more than that first episode. Things, as I will discuss, are different. The important piece is setting up who our characters are and what we can expect from them in the future. 

The pilot opens on an unfamiliar house, a brick Tudor with a driveway on the right hand side. There is no familiar archway and porch. There’s no Mustang parked in the driveway. It is a completely different house. Watching this 25+ years later, it’s something I notice immediately. The Walsh house became synonymous with 90210. In fact, only 3 members of the core cast never lived there. Do you know who?

Andrea, Dylan, and Donna. And before you all start blowing up my spot about David, he technically lived there with Valerie while he was working at the car wash. Back to our first episode.

We hear birds chirping, and the camera pans to Brandon sleeping in a room completely awash with sunlight. Seriously, who can sleep like that? I’ve got room darkening shades, and diligently make sure they are flush with the window sill so light does not creep through……who am I kidding, it’s still dark when I wake up, but I do that with my children’s windows so they don’t try to wake up with the sun on the weekends. It rarely actually works. Brandon’s alarm, which appears to be a Godzilla head bracketed to the wall, starts screaming “Wake up!” I feel like, as I gathered in this odd choice for an alarm clock, I tried to suss out information about Brandon’s character. Is he an inventor? Is he like Pee Wee Herman, or better yet, Data from Goonies? Is he a cinephile, like his successor as tv boyfriend Dawson was? Unfortunately, I don’t think the alarm actually held any real clues as to who Brandon was.

Immediately after shutting off his alarm, Brandon reaches over and flips on his stereo, a mammoth black monster with a whole bunch of knobs. As a parent, I look at that beast and all I can think is, “Why does a 16 year old have such expensive technology in his room?” And then I hand my 13 year old his Ipad and his IPhone…..The music that pours from Brandon’s stereo is heavy metal and immediately, I’m taken aback. The only thing I can assume is that it is raucous enough to wake him up, but watching it for the first time, I’m sure I assumed that his choice in music said a lot about his character. I would learn later this was another false flag.

We then enter another teenager’s bedroom, where Brenda is already awake and stereotypically throwing clothing around a room full of boxes, before surmising aloud that she has nothing to wear. This version of Brenda also looks different. Her hair is shorter and her bangs are not prominent on her forehead. She lands on a pink polka dot dress with a collar. There is a reason that I mention this.

Next we see Jim sitting at the kitchen table, reading the paper, as professional men in the 90’s did, and listening to some unseen radio that announces an hour delay in traffic. A gentle reminder for us viewers that they were in LA and LA has traffic. Also, there are boxes all throughout the house, an indication that the move to Beverly Hills was quick and recent. Jim announces he’s leaving early, to beat traffic, and we don’t really see him the rest of the episode. 

Brenda comes into Brandon’s room, complaining about her lack of clothes and her desire to fit in with the kids of Beverly Hills. In the ensuing conversation, Brenda reveals that Brandon was Mr. Popularity in Minnesota. It’s then that I realize that Brandon also doesn’t look like Brandon. His pompadour isn’t present; with his front swoop and fringe resting on his neck, it would be safe to say that Brandon has a mullet. Clearly, we know that unlike Steve, Brandon’s mullet doesn’t last long. 

Brenda changes into another outfit before they head to school. This time, she has on a pair of high waisted, light colored, quintessential 90’s jeans, a light T-shirt and a creme button up sweater. The pilot version of Mondale is a brown Chevy Chevette. Everyone eventually gets a makeover for the series. 

As they head to school, Brenda once again laments about fitting in and Brandon seems non-plussed. He tells Brenda that she shouldn’t have any trouble making friends because she’s “cute.” There are so many things wrong with this statement. First off, I’m not a twin, and I grew up with sisters, but this doesn’t seem like a normal sentiment for a 16 year old boy to express to his sister. Second, he (and the show) are insinuating that a girl will only make friends based off of her appearance. They obviously don’t understand the fine art of navigating the female caste system in high school. 

There is a familiar refrain and the credits begin. The introduction shows no characters. Instead, there are flashes of stereotypical LA scenes: a woman carrying a surfboard while in a pantsuit, Asian tourists taking photos, Rodeo Drive (Baby), and a Cartier bracelet. Then, it flashes to the school, where a valet is parking the student’s cars. Is that real? Are there valets at high schools in Beverly Hills? Can someone ask one of the Kardashians? I can’t tell you the last time I ate at a restaurant where they had a valet, let alone my school. To be fair, we did get a day care my senior year.

The students of Beverly Hills drive Mercedes, BMW’s, And Ferrari’s, while the teachers pull up in ridiculously crappy cars. Those teachers need to get a better union rep. One scene flashes to a girl in the backseat of a convertible putting on lipstick. Where are your women writers? You are just asking for a hair in lipstick disaster. A girl in heels and a tight aqua dress shows up, and then again, and again. Who dresses like that for school? These Beverly Hillsters are exceptionally fancy.

Steve pulls in in his Corvette with the license plates 18A 4RE. Kelly honks at David from her BMW convertible as he crosses the parking lot. David is such a tiny baby that I’m surprised he can walk at all. I forgot how young some of them were when the show started. Kelly parks and Steve is there to greet her. From this exchange, we discover that Kelly got a nose job over the summer and they dated and broke up. Steve reminds her that he taught her to drive stick, and I don’t think he’s talking about her car. So from these few minutes, we learn that Kelly is vain and wealthy, that Steve is perverted, or a typical 16 year old boy, and they have slept together. 

Andrea gets off of the bus (the horror) looking very beige. There is a principal, who we never see again, that discusses Brandon and Brenda’s academic record with them. They both excelled academically. Brandon was an athlete and sports editor for his paper while Brenda was in drama. Shocker. On a side note, 90210 was filmed at same high school as Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Maybe that’s the real reason Kelly is so pale.

Speaking of familiar things, the principal/wrestler from Billy Madison apparently began his teaching career as an angry science teacher. In science class, a larger girl in a leather jacket is searching for somewhere to sit, and after it is announced that your deskmate will also be your lab partner for the semester, no one will look this poor girl in the eye. Is it because she is wearing a leather coat inside, or because she is overweight, again the horror. Couldn’t her parents just get her liposuction? Kelly is saved when Brenda enters and is in need of somewhere to sit. And thus begins the tumultuous friendship of Brenda and Kelly. 

Brandon’s first class is Spanish, which he shares with Steve, Andrea, and a bunch of other students who don’t really matter. The teacher advises everyone that they will only speak in Spanish and asks them to raise their hand if they understand her.  Andrea proudly raises her hand, which, you go girl. Be proud of your brain. I’m assuming the writers included that to let us know that Andrea was smart, but we already knew that. She’s wearing glasses. We also learn that Steve might be racist by a remark he makes that it “must be nice to make money for speaking your own language.” Tell that to the English teachers too, Steve. 

Brandon meets Andrea again in the newsroom, where we immediately identify him as a serious writer, because he’s got a pencil behind his ear. He expresses his desire to be sports editor to Andrea, and she gives him a test: would he rather covering a girl’s sporting event or a toxic waste dumping story. He chooses the sporting event. Let’s be real, are high school papers really covering toxic waste stories? We once wrote a front page article about a senior who wore shorts every day, even in the winter. But maybe that’s why our school didn’t win awards. 

Kelly invites Brenda to join her friends for lunch, and we meet Donna. Mousey blonde hair and pre actual plastic surgery Donna. She is lovely. We also get to check out Kelly’s first day of school outfit. She is wearing an orange bodysuit, jean shorts, with green bike shorts underneath, blue socks, and men’s dress shoes. It is also safe to say that the costume department find a definite fashion niche for Kelly, and episode isn’t it. It’s also important to note that Brenda and the gang see Brandon sitting by himself and Brenda pretends like she doesn’t know him. It’s a peek into some later character development for Ms. Walsh. In the middle of lunch, a plane flies overhead, carrying a banner inviting everyone to a party. As you do. And who has a party on a school night? Maybe everyone, I don’t know. I wasn’t very popular in high school.

Both twins are attending the party, so naturally Cindy has to talk to Kelly as Kelly is driving. We Midwestern mom’s do things like that. I’m curious though, why did no one have a talk with Brandon about curfew or drinking? It’s almost as if there are different expectations for the different sexes. Hmmm. And that pink sailor dress that Brenda was too good to wear to school? When you pair it with white bike shorts, it is pool party perfect. 

We see the exterior of a mansion where there appears to be a party happening. Steve and a Brandon both show up alone, but quickly find one another. Steve is wearing the uniform of the night: a blazer over a button up shirt, while a Brandon is going with the all denim look: jeans, a button up shirt with a denim jacket over it. I’m so confused about the weather here…..David and his freshman friend Scott, both dressed like they’ve got job interviews at Chess King, have crashed the party. David spots Kelly and professes the crush he has on her while Scott is worried about making it home in time for his 11:30 curfew. What time does school start the next morning?!?! Steve and a Kelly spot one another and tell the respective twins that they broke up with one another, before Steve wanders off to find a drink. The party becomes too much for good guy Brandon, so he looks for someplace quieter to sit. He finds Maria from “Head of The Class” sitting alone on a swing. He strikes up a conversation about how much he doesn’t like the party and confesses he’s new to town. But when he asks for her story, she deflects and tells him he’s sexy, to which he replies, “You too.” I realize that I was a super awkward teenager, but I STILL don’t feel comfortable saying that anyone. Then she asks him to dance, and HE SAYS YES. You know how Joey doesn’t share food, BRANDON DOESN’T DANCE. What is even happening in this episode? But, Brandon dances and I quickly realize why he doesn’t. Apparently the mystery girl does too, because they dance for thirty seconds and then stop. The mystery girl reveals herself to be Marianne Moore, the hostess of the party, that has people conspicuously playing tennis in tennis outfits at night. LA, I tell ya. Before running off, she writes her number on Brandon’s arm in lipstick. Score! They can go on a date and talk about how sexy they find each other. 

From the other side of the party, Steve, obviously drunk, stares at Kelly while pulling from something in a brown paper bag. Ah, that IS like the parties I imagine cooler people at home had. He asks Kelly to dance, but she turns him down. He stumbles literally into a David, who tells Steve how hot Kelly is. Steve retorts that she is a bitch with a nasty personality who is lousy in bed. Aw yes, he’s handling the break up well. David recognizes Steve’s last name and reveals that Steve’s mom is a famous tv actress. Steve also doesn’t seem to handle that well. Perhaps Steve isn’t good at handling things? 

We cut to what seems like the end of the party, as dudes in t-shirts and blazers pile out from an open fence. A group of dudes are carrying Steve out, but refuse to allow him to drive. Good on the writers, although none of the dudes volunteer to drive him. Instead, Steve volunteers David who is leaving the party alone. It must have been after Scott’s curfew. David drives Steve home, a scene very reminiscent of when Farmer Ted drove Jake Ryan’s girlfriend home in “Sixteen Candles.” At one point, Kelly drives by and sees the unfamiliar face in the driver’s seat. I’m sure that will be important later. Steve’s home is obviously large, and white, and has a long driveway, so we know he’s rich. David parks the car, but puts the car in neutral, not park. I wonder what’s going to happen…..obviously, the car rolls down the driveway and into a parked car and David runs away. 

Brenda and Brandon are awfully bright eyed for people who were at a party until the wee hours. Brandon talks about Mary Ann Moore with Brenda, who tells Brandon that Mary Ann would be “lucky” to date him. Seriously, Flowers in the Attic, lets calm down. Steve and his broken Corvette arrive at school hung over and wearing driving gloves. I mean, I’ve worn a lot of things to disguise a night out, a turtleneck, for example, but never brown driving gloves. He’s desperate to find out what freshman drove him home the night before, as demonstrated by the full volume conversation he has with Brandon in Spanish class, like he’s sitting right behind me at the movies. 

Kelly also seems to have no ill effects from the party the night before. Maybe it’s all the vitamin D from that California sunshine. She is busy working on changing the date on Brenda’s driver’s license…..with a PENCIL before convincing her to go clubbing with them that night. Does no one in Beverly Hills respect the sanctity of a school night? Is this why I didn’t start dating until I was 23? Also, Kelly is wearing polka dot bike shorts, aqua tights, purple socks and a purple t-shirt, and a short pink coat. The costume designer loved Barbie and the Rockers. 

Brandon spots Marianne alone eating sushi with chopsticks; throwing off Clare vibes from the Breakfast Club. I wonder if these nods to John Hughes were intentional or I’m reading entirely too much into it. Brandon asks Mary Ann on a date, and then eats his peanut butter sandwich, that you know Cindy Walsh made for him, once she agrees. He asks Andrea for advice on where to take Marianne, and is instead barraged by Andrea’s plans for the Ivy League. Weird flex, but ok. She eventually relents and gives him the name of a restaurant. He rushes off, and she yells after him about the toxic waste story. Wait, she was actually serious about that? 

That night, Brenda, Kelly, Donna, and some other random girls try to get into a club. Djimon Hounsou is the bouncer who has never seen a Minnesota id and lets Brenda right in. Kelly and the others are not so lucky. Meanwhile, Brenda is now inside waiting for her friends that have gone home. The Cool Rider from Grease 2 spots her and swoops in. He tells her, “I’m a nice guy.” which is EXACTLY what nice guys say. He orders a tanqueray and tonic and I sing the rest of that line (yeah, I’m f$@ked up now) and she orders a banana daiquiri, and I know that is supposed to reveal her youth, but they are legit delicious and I would order one too. Brenda lies to Jason about her age and tells him that she attends UC Berkeley. I’m sure that will result in some crazy hijinks in the next episode, which I will review next week.