Season 1, Episode 22: Spring Dance

This week’s Episode is Season 1, Episode 22: Spring Dance aka “They’re gonna do it.”

This episode starts at West Beverly, where Steve and Brandon are cruising the halls, talking about how Spring apparently makes them horny? They both spot Darla, who Steve says is the hottest girl at West Beverly, and who he is planning on asking to the Spring dance. He’s “already made a hotel reservation.” he says, and Brandon’s all “Whaaaattttttt?” David announces the four “luscious ladies” that are up for Spring princess. His own personal favorite is Kelly Taylor, who is so excited she drops her books on the floor. I can’t remember being that excited about anything in high school….except maybe graduation.

In journalism class, Andrea broaches the subject of the Spring dance with Brandon, who says he isn’t going because he “hates to dance.” I’m sorry, what???? Pick one, writers. You can’t have it both ways. Andrea asks Brandon if he would go to the dance if someone asked him and he says, “I don’t know, you?” and then she says a bunch of feminist stuff and now no one knows who is going to the dance.

Steve catches up with Darla in the hall and asks her if she wants to go to the dance with him. She says, “In your car?” Uh, obviously Darla. “I don’t do vettes.” Ooooohhhhhh……aren’t you fancy pants. Someone get Darla a top hat and a cane. “I’ll get a Jag instead,” Steve volunteers. I’m assuming he’s not speaking of the military lawyer kind. She doesn’t acknowledge him.

Brenda catches up with Andrea in the hall and asks her if Brandon asked her to the dance. He didn’t ask her, and she didn’t ask him, so everyone is happy. Brenda tells her there is nothing wrong with girls asking guys out, and you’re damn right there isn’t. Andrea volunteers that Brandon might come over to her house that night and they will watch a movie. Brenda is like, “Sure, sure, that will happen.”

Kelly tracks Brandon down at the Peach Pit. She tells him that she doesn’t have a date for the dance, and asks if he will go. He hims and haws until Steve shows up. Steve is looking for Kelly and I have a strong suspicion things are about to get real awkward. He asks Kelly if she will go to the dance, and she tells him that she’s going with Brandon, and he’s all “Brandon who?” Brandon, obviously offended, says, “Brandon Muriel Walsh.” (In my version of 90210, that’s his middle name.) He says that he didn’t think that Steve would mind since Steve was so sure he was going with Darla…..and because he and Kelly haven’t dated for over a year. Kelly tells him that Donna doesn’t have a date, but he doesn’t seem happy about that. Beggars and choosers Steve.

Steve asks Donna, who stutters out a yes, but looks super cute while doing it. Kelly tells Brandon that because she asked him, she will pay for everything, except his tux, her corsage, and the limo and Brandon’s like “woah woah woah, I can’t afford a limo. And apparently I can’t ask my parents for money for something like a school dance either.” Kelly says that is fine, because Dylan is going to pay for the limo. Andrea shows up, and I think things are going to be real uncomfortable again. She asks Brandon what time he wants to come over on Saturday night. Andrea gets visibly upset and pushes her way through the crowd, leaving Brandon to look down. 

In journalism class, Brandon asks Andrea what is up her butt, and she tells him not to flatter himself and then makes sure that he has his article ready by lunch. He furrows his brow and agrees. Jason Priestley is an eyebrow actor.

While trying on tuxes, Steve, Dylan, and Brandon talk about the cost associated with the dance and Dylan says there is no way they can back out. Steve tells Dylan that he’s looking forward to spending the whole dance in the hotel room with Brenda, and Brandon asks him if that is true, pretty angrily. Dylan tells him that he doesn’t talk about that kind of stuff, and Brandon says, “Let’s keep it that way.” Brandon, you asked him if that was true. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to. And, are you, dare I say….jealous?

Kelly and Brenda are dress shopping, and end up picking the same dress, which is similar to the dress that I wore to the 8thgrade dance, so I must have been hip too. Kelly tells Brenda she can have it, because its tacky and a cheap knock off. And Brenda’s like, “No, no I’m not going to wear it either.” Meanwhile, Donna exits the dressing room in a red dress reminiscent of something from Gone With the Wind. Sold!

It’s Spring dance night, and SHOCKER, Kelly shows up in that tacky dress. Steve has a flask handy, because Donna’s crinoline prevents her from fitting through the door. Brenda comes down the stairs wearing NEWS FLASH the same dress that Kelly is wearing. They argue about it, each telling the other that she must change, and neither relenting. To be fair, if this is a case of “who wore it better,” Kelly wins. The opera gloves plus the shawl do nothing for it. 

Andrea settles in with a pint of ice cream and a horror movie, because she’s ok with not going to the dance. Steve manages to get drunk in the limo, and Dylan and Brenda talk about making their way up to the room to take care of business. Kelly convinces Brandon to dance, and Steve turns Donna down. Meanwhile, Kelly is really feeling the music.

Brenda and Dylan talk more about her first time, and she admits that she is nervous because they’ve been building it up, and she’s nervous he will be disappointed. Dylan tells her that they won’t be judging each other, only enjoying each other. This is why I say, just do it right away and get it over with. Then it’s just super awkward conversations going forward. Then Dylan tells her he loves her. And I pretend it’s me.

Kelly comes on to Brandon, who reciprocates. When Kelly asks him why they have never pursued anything, Brandon tells her that she is his best friend’s ex (Steve’s your best friend? Really?) and he thinks of her as a sister. Ouch. Although, his relationship with his sister is a little odd, so maybe that’s not saying much. They make out anyway, because that’s what he does with sisters? Steve watches angrily, and Donna’s hair is all of a sudden very curly. Steve approaches the couple, and insults Kelly and then tells Brandon he’s not a friend. Brandon chases after him. 

Steve apparently is angry that it’s his birthday, and no one has acknowledged it. But it goes deeper. He confesses to Brandon that his parents told him that he is adopted. And Kelly is the only person he ever admitted it to, and she is too self involved to help him cope. Yes, how very selfish of her to be excited about the positive things happening in her life.

Speaking of those positive things, Kelly is named Spring Queen, and chooses her king. David then announces that there is a dance contest, the winners of which get to dance with the Queen and King. Guess who is entering? Dancing Dave!

Brenda and Dylan head to the room, and she asks him “How many girls get to have sex for the first time with someone they love?” I’m guessing a good portion think they are in love that first time, but what do I know? He then throws her over his shoulder and they start making out…..

Back at home in the Valley, Andrea is watching a horror movie called, “Prom Nightmare,” and imagining herself wielding a chainsaw against the gang. She turns off the tv and asks her mom if she can borrow her evening gown. 

Brandon comes to Kelly, and reminds her that it’s Steve’s birthday and suggests she go talk to him. She admits that she forgot, but feels bad and goes to talk to him. On the dance floor, David is working his bolo tie and his slick dance moves, which seemed really good in 1992.

Kelly finds Steve, and tries to apologize, and he insults her, her mother, and her father. Steve says tat he’s just so angry because she could have just said one word to let him know that she cares about him, and Jesus, how needy. He apologizes, and she tells him rightfully so that he is a jerk.

Andrea shows up in a cab and a brocade dress, stowing something in her sleeves. David is continuing to show everyone up on the dance floor. Andrea seeks Brandon out, and tells him that she doesn’t want to miss out on high school. He kisses her on the forehead and tells her that she looks “absolutely gorgeous.” But she didn’t even take off her glasses!

Upstairs, Brenda helps Dylan get dressed, and her hair seems to have held up pretty well considering what just happened. David’s date only knows the Roger Rabbit, and he only seems to know how to wax on and wax off, but it’s working apparently. A glowing Brenda congratulates Kelly on her win, and Kelly congratulates her on doing the nasty. David wins the dance contest, and gets to dance with Kelly. Brandon asks Andrea to dance, because of course. David tells Kelly that she smells as good as he thought she would, and seriously, how did this kid not get arrested? Andrea asks Brandon if he thinks she’s a geek for coming to the dance alone, and he replies, “No. We never get to slow dance in the newsroom” and why were they never an actual couple?

Steve cuts in on Kelly’s dance with David, leaving poor Donna standing alone. He apologizes to her, and they admit that they love each other platonically. Then she chastises him for not asking Donna to dance the whole evening. Kelly grabs Donna and brings her out on to the dance floor, where they are soon joined by Andrea and Brandon. Kelly tells Andrea how gorgeous she looks, and in true Cady Herron fashion, offers her the tiara. Then Dylan and Brenda join the circle, and Kelly makes a comment about what they were doing in the hotel room, and Brandon is all, “What happened in the room?” Ignorance is bliss for you Brandon, you jealous weirdo. And then Dylan says, “Spring is in the air.” I think that’s pollen, but whatever. Then they dance in a giant circle, and no one else around them thinks it is weird.

Season 1, Episode 21: Spring Training

Spring training

Oh look, Brenda is out for the second and final jog she ever goes on. Pretty soon, she is joined by a dog, who refuses to leave.

Meanwhile, on the baseball fields, Jim, Brandon, and Steve are coaches of a little league team. First off, why are Brandon and Steve wearing baseball pants? How involved in this game are they planning on getting? Also, Steve is wearing a halter top and very high waisted baseball pants. Uh, I’m sorry, what? Jim hurts himself hitting a ball. He asks Brandon if he and Steve can fill in. Brandon tried to recruit Dylan who tells him no because of the baseball parents. 

At practice, Steve has found another use for his Raiders hat, and a parent has donated mits, balls, and bats. I’m sure that will be important later.

Brenda comes home and discovers the jog dog in their garbage. She tries to reason with him before realizing that he doesn’t speak English and she offers to feed him.

Back at the ball fields, Noah, some entitled rich kid, tells Brandon off and refuses to accept his punishment and Steve refuses to back him up. His mother is the team mom and brings dim sum for a treat. Steve loves dim sum. But not Brandon.

At dinner, Brandon relays the days events to Jim, who gets disproportionately upset about Brandon’s attitude about the players. Brandon explains that it’s just so different than Minnesota. Brandon, it’s been almost a year. You haven’t figured that out by now? During dinner, the family keeps hearing noises coming from the garage and Brenda admits that she is hiding a dog out there.

Jim Walsh says “No way” to the dog because he will be the one who ends up taking care of it. First off, has he been talking to my husband, and second off, I’m guessing Cindy will be the one who takes care of him like she does everything else. Jim insists Brenda take the dog to the pound immediately, and Cindy tells everyone to calm the f down. She tells Brandon to put flyers up in the neighborhood, Brenda to take care of the dog, and for Jim to have a seat. 

Steve is annoyed by the booger picker on the team and reaches out to a team dad to have the kid traded, and wow Steve. He’s a kid. And sometimes you just got to dig one out. 

Back at Casa Walsh, Brenda, Kelly, and Donna try to train Wally (the horrible name Brenda picked out for the dog) but he’s having none of it. Instead, he wants to lick Donna’s leg and ridicule the Stars and Stripes Jean shorts Kelly is wearing.

Brandon doesn’t agree with Steve’s trading of the booger picker. Brandon, being Brandon, thinks he is entitled to yell at another adult before Steve tells him that he is 16 and the guy is friends with Jim and Brandon doesn’t just get to yell at everyone.

Brenda tries to reason with the dog again, and the dog ends up in Brenda’s bed. Jim’s going to be so mad…

Brandon’s team has a practice game against Nat’s inner city team, and there is a definite disparity between ability and access. Shocker. Noah, the consummate a-hole, mocks a kid on Nat’s team. Brandon tries to pull him, but he refuses to get off the field, and Steve refuses to back Brandon, so Brandon quits. Because of course he does.

He argues with Jim about his behavior, but guess what…..Brandon doesn’t get in trouble. Jim finally agrees that when he’s back on his feet, Brandon can quit coaching. He’s going to learn so many lessons. Brandon heads to the Peach Pit to apologize to Nat, and ends up agreeing to help Nat coach. He then enlists Dylan’s help, who is more than happy to get away from the barking dog. Brenda, meanwhile, tries to talk everyone she knows, and even people she doesn’t know, into taking the dog. She has David convinced, but then David asks for a date with Kelly.

All of a sudden, Nat is desperate for his team to be good, even though he’s coached a losing team for several years. Brandon reaches out to Andrea, who knows of a good pitcher. 

Back at Casa Walsh, Wally has gotten out and can’t be found.  They all reminisce about how much they are going to miss him, and the fact that he always looked like he had eaten gravy. Brandon apparently didn’t actually quit coaching, he was just “helping Nat’s team with some drills.”

Nat’s (Andrea’s) ringer is….gasp…..a girl! Who is a great hitter and pitcher. The horror! The league president tries to tell Jim how to manage, and Jim’s like, hey maybe Brandon was right. That Noah kid continues to be an a-hole, and the president’s son lobs a ball to a member of the other team, who hits everyone in, and a Nat’s team wins the game! The president is pretty angry at Jim’s coaching choices and I’m reminded of sitting in the stands when my husband used to coach. Calm down parents. Your kids actually not that good.

All of a sudden, Wally returns, bounding through the park, and Brenda is excited to see him. She bends down to embrace him, and the ungrateful mutt runs right past her to the booger picker. It is actually his dog, and is named Rupert. Why do all these people hate dogs so much? Brandon and Jim walk off the field together and we never see them coach another game.  

Season 1, Episode 20: April is the Cruelest Month

This week’s episode is Season 1, Episode 20: April is the Cruelest Month aka the Friends Crossover.

This episode starts with Matthew Perry, on the West Beverly tennis courts, practicing some returns….or volleys….or swings….I don’t know what it’s called, but there’s a machine chucking tennis balls at him, and he’s hitting them back while some old guy smiles smugly. You know who isn’t smiling? Brandon. He’s watching with a scowl for some reason, and a jean jacket. Is he mad that someone is good at something he isn’t? Is he angry at Chandler’s teal shorts? Let’s find out.

Chandler breaks his wooden racket, because apparently that is a thing and has to come off of the court to replace it. Brandon butters him up with his accomplishments when he does and Chandler tells him that he doesn’t do interviews. Is he a politician? Brandon convinces him to agree to an interview, and is pretty damn proud of himself.

Meanwhile, Brenda is fretting over her SAT results….but I thought she didn’t take the SAT’s because of that whole breast cancer scare….whatever, we’ve learned continuity is not their friend. Brandon tells Andrea that he landed the interview with Roger Izarian (that’s Chandler’s name on this episode apparently) and she is equally impressed with him. Brandon stops Steve to get the low down on Roger, and Steve says that he is Rhodes Scholar material, will probably marry Miss America, and eventually inherit his father’s fortune. Roger’s father is a self made millionaire and owns “half of Orange County.” Only half? Not even worth getting out of bed for….

Cindy is at home, counting out loud. Doing her taxes, apparently. Why isn’t Jim, the professional doing those? Isn’t that the ONLY perk to marrying an accountant. Brenda opens her SAT results and got an 1190. Is that good? We took the ACT’s. She tries to open Brandon’s, but Cindy won’t let her. Donna suddenly seems upset and says she needs to leave.

Meanwhile, Brandon is prowling through an expansive estate, checking out all of the awards Roger’s father has won. Then he comes across the gun cabinet, where there are roughly a dozen guns displayed….without a lock…and we know this because Brandon easily opens the door to check one out, but is interrupted by Roger, fresh from the shower. We know THIS because he’s got a towel wrapped around his neck and is rubbing it in his hair. He pulls one out for Brandon to look at and says some words about what kind it is, but I’m not listening because….gross. Roger confesses that his father taught him to shoot when he was just 6, and Brandon says that his parents wouldn’t even allow toy guns in their house. My house either Brandon. Roger than says, “It’s kill or be killed.” All while fondling the gun. Perfectly normal things.

Back at Casa Walsh, Cindy is complaining to Jim about all ofthe money they have spent over the last year, and he tells her “So we will cut back. We’re doing fine.” He then promises to help her out and she’s like “Yeah right.” Then he tries to bet her on which one of the twins did better on the SAT. Cindy refuses, because she’s actually a decent parent.

Back at Roger’s house, Brandon tries to record his conversation with Roger, but Roger is skiddish, so Brandon agrees to work just from his notes.  Then Daddy Warbucks comes home, andtells Roger that not only did he have lunch with someone in admissions at Stanford, he passed along Roger’s screenplay to some head of some studio. Brandon asks to read the screenplay, and Roger tells him that no one has read it, but agrees to let him. 

Brandon heads home, and Brenda pounces on him immediately to open his SAT results. He got an 1190 as well. Again, is this good? Then she tells Brandon that a screenplay is meant to be read out loud and they head off to her bed room. The screen play tells the story about a rich young boy who plans on murdering his overbearing father. Brandon thinks it sounds too familiar and blinks rapidly, while some chaotic music plays in the background.

Brandon tells Andrea that he wants to bury the story, and Andrea is adamant that he continue. Brandon then asks Andrea about how they address kids that call in to the rap line (oh yeah, she does that). Andrea tells them that they just listen and then asks if it’s “anyone she knows.” Hi, Andrea, I thought you were smart…..You were literally just talking about Roger before he asked. Brandon, the worst secret keeper in the world, tells Andrea about Roger’s screenplay and Andrea tells him to stop being so dramatic. What is with the lighting in this scene? Is Brandon back in his jail cell sitting in the one beam of moon light? Shouldn’t a journalism room have adequate light? Why is Brandon’s face all in shadow except for his eyes? Why IS he so dramatic?

Kelly, Brenda, and Donna are walking down the school hall together, while Kelly peruses the college catalog, searching for one with the perfect male to female ratio. Brenda tries to include Donna in the conversation, but Donna feels like they are planning too early and walks away. She goes up the stairs, while Kelly and Brenda don’t, but they are all in the same class together in the next scene. Are there secret hallways in this school? In class, the teacher passes out a test, and Donna is suddenly anxious. Everyone else is busily writing, while she is tapping her pencil, and trying to keep her hair behind her ears. She suddenly screams out and tells the teacher that she needs to see the nurse because she is having issues with her contact lenses. 

Meanwhile, Brandon is at lunch, eating alone of course, and reading the script. Roger asks him his opinion and Brandon says that he has got a wild imagination. Roger says that the truth is stranger than fiction and Brandon says incredulously, “This is true.” and Roger says, “What?” and suddenly they have become Laurel and Hardy. Who’s on first? Roger then offers Brandon seats to the Dodgers game and Brandon jokingly asks if he is trying to buy him off. Roger becomes defensive and Brandon’s like, “What? I always say the right thing.”

After that super awkward exchange, Brandon chases Dylan down and has an even more awkward exchange with him. He asks him if he’s ever thought about hurting his dad, and if he has, what stopped him. We must be in for a doozy, because Dylan leans against the door jam. He tells Brandon that he and Brenda are what prevent him from going over the edge. So, what did he do the 16 years before they moved to town? Oh yeah, alcohol.

After class, Dylan, Brenda, and Kelly spot Donna in the parking lot, wearing a tank top and shades and lighting up a cigarette with some rando.

In a building downtown, Roger is apparently talking to a therapist…..or this conversation is super weird. He talks about how his father has taught him that you can’t trust your friends, and that he treats Roger like and asset. And then he blurts out, “I wish he were dead.” Hey, I don’t think Roger likes his father. Then some super spooky music plays while Roger comes screeching up the driveway. He uses a key hidden underneath a potted plant to get in to the house and then pulls a gun from the well protected gun cabinet. He sneaks up to his father’s office, and shoots his father. Ah, but it’s ok, because it’s just Roger’s screen play that Brandon is reading!

Brandon and Brenda talk about how off Roger and Donna are, and then Brenda says they should set them up. That’s definitely what you should do! Couple up two “off” people. I bet that’s what Bonnie and Clyde’s friends thought too…..Mrs Teasley, or that lady from the twin study, stops Kelly and Brenda to congratulate them on their SAT scores, and then asks if they have seen Donna. She apparently missed a meeting with Mrs. T that day, and Kelly realizes that she never made it to school that day. She should probably be careful with those days off. She wouldn’t want to hurt her chances of graduating…

Brandon chases Roger down to ask him a couple of last minute questions. They hop in his Porsche, and Roger pulls up to Dylan and asks if he wants to race. Dylan’s like, “Uh I know how large my penis is, so no thanks.” And Roger squeals out of the parking lot. Dylan and Brenda head to Fred Segal, where Brenda finds a not sick Donna shopping. She confronts her about her recent changes, and Donna confesses that she only got a 620 on her SAT’s. She says she had better find a rich guy to take care of her, because she’s too stupid to take care of herself. Where did this all come from? She was literally just fine until she got her scores back.

Meanwhile, back at Roger’s mansion, Roger got a declination letter from Stanford, and his father is extremely angry. Brandon, sensing the vibe, tells Roger that he will grab his bag from the Porsche and walk home. “It’s not far from here.” Seriously, where does he live?? It’s close to EVERYWHERE. When he goes to grab his bag from the car, he discovers a gun apparently just hanging out? How did he not notice that when he put the bag in? Is that legal? I’m guessing not, but rich, white people. Am I right?

Brandon calls into the rap line and yells at Andrea about the gun he found. He says that no one believes him. He even went to the police, and of course, the police were like, “Rich white people, are we right?” Andrea tells him that it is out of her league, so he talks to Jim, the accountant. Yup, makes sense. Jim tells him that maybe Roger just needs a friend. So Brandon decides to go visit a trouble kid with a fire arm late at night. Even better, when no one answers the door, he uses the hide a key to let himself in. All smart things. Brandon sneaks into the office, prepared to see the worst, and…..it’s empty. Damn it, Brandon says to himself. I was hoping to see a dead body. 

The next day, Brandon tries to hunt Roger down, but he’s not at school. He says some combination of things about “No phones, no father.” That create an epiphany, and he borrows Dylan’s car to head off on a hunt of some kind. Brenda tries to convince Mrs. T that Donna is smart and deserves a good education, and Mrs. T is like, yeah, that’s what I’m trying to do, now if you’d get out of my office and stop telling me how to do my job. Donna says tells Mrs. T that she has trouble taking tests, and Mrs. T seems to be drawing some conclusions, because she bites her lip and looks to the side. Mrs. T tells Donna that she might have a learning disability, and Donna says, “Nope, I’m stupid.” And then she cries that no tears kind of cry, the sign of a true thespian. Mrs. T tells her there are lots of things she can do to help her test better. 

Brandon finds Roger in the pool house, drunk, and even though there is a glass door, he yells out, “Roger, it’s Brandon.” Roger lets him in an he notices the gun in Roger’s hand. Roger tells him he is at target practice and then shoots at a framed award. Brandon tries to convince him not to kill his father, and Roger scoffs. Despite all the autobiographical stuff he wrote in his screenplay, he doesn’t want to kill his father. He turns the gun on himself, in the most awkward/least threatening way possible. Brandon talks him out of pulling the trigger, which I’m guessing is what he wanted to begin with, otherwise waiting until someone showed up to turn the gun on himself is horrible timing.

Back at school, Donna explains to Brenda and Kelly that she has the 90’s version of an IEP, which only comes up when it’s convenient.

Brandon visits Roger at the hospital, where Roger’s father thanks him for saving them both. Roger tells Brandon to tell his story, in case it can help someone else and Brandon pulls out a transistor radio to try to talk to aliens….or listen to a baseball game….

Season 1, Episode 19: This Is Only a Test

Season 1, Episode 19: It’s Only a Test

What is going on at this school. The opening scene is cuts from various students at West Beverly, one of whom is wearing a 3 piece suit and talking on a cell phone, which was very rare in 1992, and another with a girl reading the Wall Street Journal, and finally a kid holding a word processor. Calm down teenagers. That word processor doesn’t even actually work outside.

Steve and Brandon are walking down the crowded hallways, talking about the SAT’s. Steve has taken some prep course, while Brandon says there is no way to prepare for a standardized test. Andrea, meanwhile, is having a minor meltdown about the SAT’s as well. She thinks that the prep courses give the people who can afford them, which Is not her. Remember, she’s poor. Brandon tells Andrea that he doesn’t think the courses work either, and we know that he is always right. 

At Kelly’s mansion, Brenda and Donna are quizzing each other on vocabulary words, while Kelly reads a magazine. She starts talking about tumors, and doing the self exam to check for breast cancer. Donna and Brenda tell her they are too young, and she reads from the article that you are never too young to check. Side note: you aren’t. Check yourself. Brenda reveals that her aunt passed away from breast cancer at the age of 35. The three of them decide to perform a self exam. Kelly reads the directions out loud, and this is how I learned at 14 to examine my own breasts. Kelly asks for the “all clear,” but Brenda hesitates before saying it. Then we see her standing in front of the mirror at home, examining herself again. 

At the dinner table, Brandon complains about how crazy the SAT is making everyone. He says that the worst part is waiting for the results; your whole future decided by something stored in an envelope. Hmmm…….drawing any parallels? Once Brenda comes to the dinner table, she snaps at Brandon about the SAT’s being “life or death” and then brushes it off as anxiety from the SAT. But that night, she asks to see Cindy in her room alone. She tells her mom that she found a lump while they were doing the self exam, and Cindy confirms that she feels something too. She tells her that it is probably nothing, but they will go to the doctor in the morning to have it checked out. Brenda says, “Is that what Aunt Sheila though? That it was nothing.” First off Brenda, IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU. Second, maybe don’t say that to the woman who lost her sister to breast cancer. Cindy shuts off the light, and Brenda looks to the side, so thinking. 

The next morning, Cindy is spiraling, dredging up memories of her sister’s battle with cancer. Brenda hears the ruckus and gets angry at Jim when he suggests it could just be an ingrown hair. Just wait until you have babies Brenda, you get hair everywhere. Then Brandon comes down and what’s to know what’s going on, because of course he does, and everyone is like “Mind your business you nosy queen.”

The next day, Brenda goes to school and Cindy shows up to her science class, I’m assuming since they are talking about the ear. First off, don’t parents normally go to the office, and then someone from the office goes to retrieve the student? Second, why is Cindy so dressed up? She’s got a suit/skirt combo with her hair all pulled back. Are you supposed to get dressed up for the doctor? If so, I’ve been doing it wrong for roughly…….43 years.

The doctor examines Brenda, and asks her questions about the lump. The show was very factual and realistic during this scene. The doctor talked to Brenda about her period, and asked whether or not she had a discharge from her nipple. It was refreshing as a teenage girl in the 90’s to hear this discussion being had. The doctor then tells Brenda she wants to do a needle biopsy to see if further testing is needed. 

Back at school, Andrea tracks Steve and Brandon down, and asks Steve if she can come study with him for the SAT. Steve asks if she is asking him for a date, to which she spits on the ground. She wants to use him for his prep course knowledge. She tells him they have a reputation to uphold as they have some of the highest SAT scores in the state. Steve is thrilled with the knowledge, and stores it away. Then he rolls his eyes and walks away.

Back at the doctor’s office, the needle biopsy doesn’t pull any fluid, which means it is not a cyst. The doctor wants to perform a biopsy, and Cindy starts spinning again. She asks to talk to the doctor alone, and the doctor tells her no. She cannot discuss Brenda’s case without Brenda. She also says that 89% of the time, it’s nothing, and that will probably be the case with Brenda. Then she pulls out a eyeshadow palette and pretends like it’s a scheduler. The first available appointment is for the same day as the SAT’s. Yay, skip the SAT’s. I mean, you do have 2 more years AFTER this one.

At Steve’s house, Steve basically tells Andrea the plot of “How I Got Into College.” Andrea, relieved, takes off her glasses and lays down. Steve tells her that she is cute without her glasses on, and then kisses her. And then she grabs his tshirt and makes out with him, before rushing off. He screams out, and then flips onto his bed with his shoes on. He would be the person that does that.

Back at Casa Walsh, Brandon and Brenda are looking through a photo album of their Aunt Sheila, discussing what it was like when she got sick. Brandon says that he will protect Brenda, because that’s how it works. Then Brandon tries to cheer Brenda up with some weird sexual chemistry. Gross.

At school on Friday, Brandon is eating lunch alone, of course, and Andrea approaches him. She asks is Steve is joining him. Brandon tells Andrea about Brenda’s tumor because he is worried but doesn’t want Brenda to see him. And then Andrea was like, uh, I wanted to talk to you about Steve, but that’s so trivial right now. Ha Ha. I’m uncomfortable.

Brenda tells Kelly and Donna as well. They all console her while silently thinking, wow, she’ll do anything for attention, won’t she? Then Dylan surprises her in the hallway and she freaks out at him, because she’s not very nice to him most of the time, and then tells him she’s scared. She finally reveals to him what’s been going on, and then tells him she doesn’t want him at the hospital with her. He says he’s going to be there, because he’s actually good in this relationship…….until that whole cheating thing. She yells at him because she doesn’t think he was affectionate enough after she told him. He tells her he loves her, and she tells him that he’s just saying that and storms off.

Brenda tells her mom that she’s afraid of going on dates if she loses her breast, and I’m like….I think maybe your personality is more of a concern. She kicks Cindy out of her room, and then picks up her cordless phone and pulls the antenna out so she can use it, because that’s what you did in the 90’s. She calls and leaves Dylan a voicemail saying she loves him too. Then she dreams that she has died and is having her funeral in a classroom where all the mourners are taking their SAT’s and all the questions relate to her…..because of course.

Brandon heads off to take the SAT, while Brenda goes under the knife. The doctor tells Jim and Cindy that they will have results in 2-3 hours. I’m sorry, when I had a biopsy, it took like 2 weeks. How did she get her test so quickly?

Meanwhile, at West Beverly, Andrea and Steve almost collide in the hallway and decide they would never work as a couple, although I beg to differ. The proctor opens the door and asks the “lovebirds” to join them and Kelly and Brandon are like, “I’m sorry, but these guys are supposed to be pining for us.”

Brandon can’t concentrate, so he leaves the test, but tells his parents he gets to make it up under the circumstances. Dylan shows up with flowers, because he’s amazing, and despite the fact that Brenda didn’t bother to tell him what hospital she was going to in her fit. Cindy is wearing a pantsuit again. Seriously, what’s up with that? Everyone waits at home for the test results, which they apparently call with in California. Kelly and Donna stop by, just in time for the phone to ring. It is just a fibroid. Everyone high fives each other.

That night, Brandon comes in to Brenda’s room to tell her how scared he was thinking of losing her. He cups her head much like he does when he’s getting ready to slurp someone’s face and then kisses her hand. And I think at this point, the writer’s are just fu@king with us.

Season 1, Episode 18: Stand (Up) and Deliver

The episode starts with Brandon walking down the hall, staring back at girls who pass by him, real enlightened man stuff, until Andrea hunts him down. She tells him she has a proposition for him, and he replies, “Your desk or mine?” We all know that he is kidding, but deep down we also know that Andrea probably had to hold herself back from ripping his clothes off right then and there. She suggests that he run for school office, as he is so new that no one knows him well enough to hate him yet. Hmmmm…… I wouldn’t count on that.

Brenda meanwhile, has a conversation with Dylan about canceling plans for the weekend so that he can go visit his dad in Mexico. She gives him a hard time, because she’s not really that great of a girlfriend, and then asks him to take her with because she is so bored with her life. “Boohoo,” he says, and I couldn’t agree more. 

David is following Brandon down the hall, interviewing him for his new role as, I’m assuming, student body president. The thing he just decided like 3 minutes ago. Scott is videotaping it. Kelly remarks that he looks a politician, real “Kennedy hair.” And a real Kennedy attitude toward the women in his life…but I digress. Kelly also remarks how attractive power is.

Kelly and Donna come to pick Brenda up for the evening, and come inside so they can congratulate Brandon….on saying he wants to run for office? Kelly and Donna fawn all over Brandon, while Brenda goes upstairs to apparently cry because she “doesn’t belong,” even though she has 2 close friends, a boyfriend, supportive parents….Jim, who measures his success only by the success of Brandon, is ecstatic and immediately starts on his campaign.

The girls head to a comedy club where a performer named Skye is doing a set about how being an army brat affected her high school experience. She’s clearly not in high school anymore. Why is she so focused on it? Brenda finds her relatable, and thus hilarious. I will have to agree with Kelly, “It wasn’t that funny.”

Back at Casa Walsh, Steve is being sexist about some girl who only wears orange, while Brandon quickly taps on the keyboard of his desktop computer. By my calculations, he has typed roughly 1046 words. What he tells Steve he’s typed? “I listen to my student body.” Uh, what was the rest of the typing? “The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog?” Steve tells him that he is lame, that the president of the Beverly Hills went out with a different girl every week, so he could nail their vote. Brandon tells him that is gross, and yes, yes it is. Then Brandon muses that he might not have the killer instinct it takes to run for politics. A certain fiery car crash several years from now proves differently…..

Back at the comedy club, a different guy takes the stage, while Skye takes the girls’ orders. He singles Kelly out and starts talking about the amount of makeup she is wearing. Brenda quips about snap judgements, and his jokes, and everyone thinks she’s hilarious, as does she. Who doesn’t? Kelly. Again, we Kelly’s get it. 

The next day, the Walsh family is busy working on campaign paraphernalia, while Brenda regals them with her supposed wit. Kelly and Donna show up, and Kelly announces that she wants to help Brandon win. Then Andrea shows up and is like, “What’s that now?” Andrea tells Brandon that she was going to run, but backed out because she didn’t want to lose. Brenda has plans to go back to the comedy club to hang with her new best friend Skye, but Kelly and Donna volunteer to stay at Casa Walsh to help Brandon work on campaign stuff. Brenda retorts, “Skye is just too mature for you.” Because she handles rejection really well.

At the club, Skye is super excited to see the girl who she met for 5 minutes the night before and invites her to an event the next morning, when Brenda is at school. Skye tells her how she dropped out at 16, traveled the country, and came back to work at a coffee shop. Brenda thinks Skye’s life sounds amazing and decides that she wants to get her GED.

Her parents obviously think it’s a bad idea, and tell her no. But she’s Brenda, and nobody tells her what to do. Meanwhile, upstairs at the Walsh house, Kelly is playing professional political photog, while Andrea is figuring out what issues for Brandon to run on. Brenda tells them all that she plans on dropping out, and Kelly is like “You’re a jackass.” And Brandon tries yelling in her face, his favorite thing to do.

At school the next day, Brandon schmoozes the ladies of West Beverly, while Kelly butters up David to film a video for Brandon. Michael Miller, Brandon’s opponent suddenly feels the need to come talk to Brenda, who is writing jokes for her set for amateur night. Michael encourages her to keep working and Kelly is worried that the fact he is suddenly on the show, even though we have never seen him before means he is trying to get info for his campaign. 

Brenda’s new comedy club friends do not think she is funny. And then they provide some pretty stale clichés on how she can improve. Skye then mentions that she needs a house sitter, and Brenda volunteers.

Back at campaign headquarters, Andrea is disgusted by the slick political video that Kelly had made, and quits the campaign. After she leaves, Kelly comes on to Brandon pretty aggressively, and he declines, saying he is only thinking of Steve. Brenda interrupts the sexual tension, calls them political kindergartners, and then goes upstairs to start packing. When her parents come in to check on her, she tells them she is moving out. Apparently that’s a thing that 16 year olds can declare. Her parents agree to let her house sit, and she’s gone for a few minutes and Brandon has already made it his campaign headquarters, and remarks “It seems weird without Brenda here.” She’s been gone for like 10  minutes Brandon, relax. 

At Skye’s apartment, which has been sponge painted to an inch of its life, Skye gives Brenda the run down on the locks, the fish, and the plants, before putting on her Blossom hat, and leaving. Brenda uses her new found freedom to try on hats, eat cake in bed, and go to bed without taking her makeup off. 

At school, Brandon walks around shaking everyone’s hand, telling them “Damn glad to meet you.” Andrea and Brenda commiserate about how awful they think Kelly and Brandon are now. Kelly asks Brenda to stop dressing like a hippie until the election is over, and then invites her over to the campaign party. Brenda tells her it is not hippie, it’s Twin Peaks, which is very fashionable. One, I watched Twin Peaks, and that is not Twin Peaks. Second, this is the second week in a row they talked about Twin Peaks. Is this like when we do promos on other people’s podcasts? Cross promotional? 

When Brenda gets back to Skye’s apartment, she finds the door ajar and strange men taking furniture. She thinks they are thieves and hides behind a ornamental pole. Very effective. Remind me to play hide n seek with her. The men are actually their repoing Skye’s…..everything. Not just furniture, but like appliances, and blankets, and everything….where did she go? Is this place like a rent a center on crack? Then the creepy dude from the comedy club shows up, and is not surprised that Skye owes everyone money. He says they can enjoy a romantic spaghettios dinner together, but Skye didn’t pay the gas bill either. Maybe you shouldn’t try to be romantic with a 16 year old who isn’t even that funny. 

Bran the Man’s candidate party is too much for Donna’s house, so they move it to Skye’s tiny apartment instead. Everyone soon discovers there is no food, water, power…those essentials for a party so they head out to the Peach Pit instead. Brenda and Brandon argue about his political ambitions and her lack of support before Brenda spits angrily, “I don’t even want to vote.” What is it with wealthy white women? Jack, the creepy guy from the club decides that a young girl with young girl emotions is more than he wants and bails too. Brenda crosses her arms and looks to the corners so we know she wants to cry.

The next day, Brandon and Mike Miller are getting ready to debate and Brandon actually talks with his opponent and finds out how qualified and passionate he is about leading his class. During the debates, which are taking place in a hallway it looks like with an audience of roughly 20 people, Brandon ends up throwing his support to his opponent. Andrea decides that they can be friends again, and Brenda says that she would vote for him. Great Brenda, now that he’s not running. It’s like 2016 all over again. Kelly tries to make up with Brenda, since she has nothing going on at night anymore, but Brenda says she’s busy writing her act. 

Brenda comes home, only to grab some clothes, and her parents talk about resisting the urge to beg her to come home, and make a care package for her. You literally don’t have to let her go. That’s kind of how being a parent works. Brenda heads back to Skye’s apartment to find Skye sitting against a wall with her head in her hand. She tells Brenda that living on her own is hard, and she had to go home to borrow money from her parents. Brenda naively says, “But you have a job?” like all jobs pay enough to live in LA. 

Brenda performs a stand up show, which isn’t very funny, and tells everyone that she wants to stay in school. Real funny stuff. People in the audience keep murmuring along. Don’t they know that’s frowned upon? Brenda moves back in to the Walsh House, and everyone is so excited to see her that they forget she stormed out to live on her own for 3 whole days, and couldn’t handle it. But, that performance, am I right?

Season 1, Episode 15: Fame is Where You Find It

This week’s episode starts at a park, where children are playing on park equipment, and then we see some nerd roller blading with knee pads on. The camera pans up, and we realize it’s Brandon, roller blading while holding a hockey stick. So many things to start off with: Why is Brandon so in love with denim coats? He wears them. All. The. Time. Spring? Denim coat. Summer? Denim Coat. Fall? Denim coat. Winter? Leather coat. Exercising? Denim coat. Next, he is roller blading on the sidewalk surrounding the park equipment, realistically a circle. Despite wearing knee pads, and some sort of hockey glove, he doesn’t drop the stick until he comes to a full stop. And he’s using one of those plastic balls that come from a ball pit. I just don’t understand the effectiveness of any of this.

Meanwhile, in another part of the park, a family leaves their picnic spot to go fly a kite, and it’s as lame as it sounds. A young man in a trench coat suddenly appears from behind a tree, and slips a purse off of the table. He stops several feet away to go through the purse. Why wouldn’t he just keep running? Oh, because there is a curly haired girl in a sweater vest that wants to lecture him. And then someone yells, “Cut” from a distance. It’s LA, so they are filming something. The assistant, I’m assuming, who must have decided to leave LA so she could live under Monica and Rachel and make really loud sex noises, tells the director that an extra is sick. The director explains that because it’s an extra, they should be able to get any jerk to do it. Then they see the quintessential jerk, Brandon, playing hockey next to a playground full of kids. The assistant approaches him, and explains what she is looking for, and he agrees. It’s for a tv show that Brenda, who we never actually see watch tv, is obsessed with.

Brandon, wearing a pink dew rag, so problematic, heads into the makeup trailer, where the curly haired girl from earlier is sitting. He tells her he is supposed to get more of a tan, and she starts blowing on a sponge that she then dabs on his face. He eventually realizes that she is the main actress, Lydia Leeds. They have their scene together, and Brandon does well, and Lydia seems to like him. So well, in fact, that after he returns home, he gets a call from the show asking for him to become a recurring character. Brenda is obviously jealous, and that was before she noticed that her headband took over half of her head.

Brandon asks Brenda to cover for him at the Peach Pit, and she is less than thrilled. But she agrees, after he bribes her. After letting Nat in on the news, he swears that he’s just a regular guy from Minnesota. The next day at school, David announces he’s gotten a role on the show and the girls swarm. Brenda insists that she is the one with all the talent in the family, and then does some impressions. I’m not sure what they were impressions of, so I can’t share. That’s how good she was. Lydia shows up to school in a limo to pick Brandon up for his scene. It’s a kissing scene, and Brandon apparently does well. It was hard for me to tell given my opinion on his kissing ability. That night, he is heading to an industry party, much to Jim’s chagrin. It’s important to note that Jim isn’t happy, but still lets him attend, because he has completely different rules for his male and female twins. Lydia picks Brenda up at the house, and she and Brenda don’t seem to hit it off.

She also doesn’t seem to hit it off at the Peach Pit, where she is the only waitress working? She forgets people’s orders and spills soup on customers, but her hair looks pretty fabulous. Meanwhile, Brandon and Lydia are working the industry party. The approach Melissa Rivers, who apparently hates Lydia, and Melissa warns Brandon that he is just the flavor of the week. Then Lydia tells her goodbye. Uh, you walked up to her. She was at that spot first. You should walk away Lydia. They talk about Brandon’s first day as an actor and he tells Lydia he’s been told he’s a good kisser. Uh, ok? By who? Someone who isn’t bothered by slurping? And then she asks him if he wants to dance, and he responds, “Sure.” Uh, what??? Did this no dancing thing just happen suddenly, because he definitely is anti-dancing in the next few seasons.

Brenda angrily ties up the trash, and then cries as the bottom spills out when she stands up. Lydia and Brandon are shuffling along the floor when an actor from the show, and Lydia’s ex, shows up to the party. Lydia spots him and starts kissing Brandon, who is unaware she is only doing it to make Sean, the actor guy, jealous.

Brandon and Brenda argue over Brenda working at the Peach Pit (she doesn’t want to) and Brandon asks if Brenda is insinuating that he has gone Hollywood? Brenda responds that the old Brandon would never fall for such a self-centered, superficial snob who hates alliteration. Brandon tells his sister that she doesn’t know anything about Lydia, and she tells him he’s changed. He slips a pair of sunglasses on in the house and retorts, “Maybe for the better.” Maybe, you’re giving yourself too much credit there, bub.

Brenda complains about Brandon and her pisspoor performance at the Peach Pit (guess who doesn’t hate alliteration?) to Donna and Kelly, who is sporting a fashion forward daisy denim jacket, and Kelly suggests she don’t take it so seriously. Brenda replies, “Should 8 just act like I know what I’m doing?” I mean, why start now…..and why is she taking such small pieces of chips? It’s like all she got was the stuff at the bottom of the bag. But whatever she says gives her an epiphany, and not about her driving this time.

Brandon heads to set, still wearing his sunglasses inside, where he discovers his big scene with Lydia has been cut, and her “ex” Shawn has suddenly come to terms with the producer and is back on set, and spending time with Lydia. Hmmmm……Brandon is suddenly feeling like a chess piece.

Meanwhile, at the Peach Pit, Brenda is trying out one of her accents, some horn rimmed glasses, and a hair net. She’s now “Laverne,” apparently a waitress/gangster who likes to call people sweetheart and doll face. Laverne is a much better waitress than Brenda, but maybe that’s because there’s one customer. Nate is not sure what to think, so he just stands there holding the coffee pot, real managerial type stuff.

Back on set, Brandon’s new scene involves him making out with Lydia, only to be confronted by Shawn and a glass of water. The scene has to be shot over and over and the glass becomes a pitcher.

Brenda, ahem Laverne, becomes a popular fixture at the Peach Pit…..in the matter of a few hours….apparently word travels fast. People are like, “Oh look, a Fudruckers.”

Brandon and the director go at it after a take and the director threatens to recast. And then Brandon looks down, thinking.

Back at The Peach Pit, Laverne, Kelly, and Donna has time to learn all the words and work out some choreography to “It’s My Party.” There’s some Asian dude that is getting down to a completely different song, and Andrea is there, having a really good hair day. No one seems to mind that they aren’t getting their food, or that Kelly and Donna are behind the counter, flinging their blonde hair everywhere. Brandon pops in, and Andrea asks if he’ll write a behind the scenes story, but he seems less than enthused. That attitude continues the next morning when Jim and Cindy talk to him over breakfast. Jim tells him he sounds like an old pro, a real veteran, and Brandon says, “Of which war.” Oh.my.god. I thought Brenda was melodramatic. Brenda raked in a lot of money in tips, and says she’s saving it for something special.

Lydia tracks a Brandon down at the park, where’s he playing hockey again. There’s a lot of fake leather swishing during this scene and I’m trying to decide if it’s her bomber jacket or his hockey gloves. She tells Brandon that he wasn’t just the flavor of the month. *cough* *cough* Lydia tells him that the director was impressed with his dailies and is testing them out to see about more work for him. She then tells him they will keep in touch, so we know they won’t.

Everyone is at the Walsh house for Brandon’s premiere episode, and Cindy is serving cake? Wtf? They all wait anxiously……and his scene is cut. And it’s super awkward and everyone tries to make him feel better. Thank god there’s cake. Brenda gives Brandon the keys to the Peach Pit back, and he tells her she can keep the job, and she’s like, “I worked 3 whole shifts. I’m exhausted.” And then reveals that she’s made enough money to pay for acting lessons….

Season 1: Episode 16: Palm Springs Weekend

This week, we are watching Seasons 1, Episode 16: Palm Springs Weekend (aka a Fling in Palm Springs).

This episode starts with Brenda and Dylan, doing some heavy petting in Dylan’s Porsche. Brenda pulls away first, saying they’ve got to stop, and then going right back in. Dylan pulls away, telling Brenda that something is blue, and it’s not the ocean. They’ve been together for a whole two months, and he has been faithful that whole time. Give the boy a medal. Or some lotion and a box of Kleenex. Dylan suggests they go away together the following weekend, and she says that she can’t because she is going to Palm Springs with Kelly and Donna. Ok, so many things here. First off, isn’t this something that a couple in a relationship of 2 whole months should have talked about? Dylan exclaims, “President’s Day?” like it’s a national boning holiday. But the show finally got the timeline right because this episode aired on February 21, 1992 and President’s Day was on February 17. He suggests that Brenda go to Palm Springs with Kelly and Donna, but have them drop her off at a hotel where Dylan will meet her for a weekend of prayer and fasting. Just kidding. They’re gonna do it.

The next day at Casa Walsh, Brandon tries to convince Jim to buy him a $25,000 classic car. He says that he works super hard at his part time job that allows him to study and hang out with his friends while on the clock. He IS staying home from Palm Springs over the weekend because he has got to work. The sacrifices this poor child makes. And for some reason, he is uncomfortably close to Jim’s face and pretty much yelling at him. But again, he doesn’t get in trouble.

David and Scott are walking through the halls, discussing some trip to a amusement park, when Steve walks by. David stops him, presumably so they can discuss how horrible their patterned button up shirts are, when Steve tells him he’s not in the mood for him. His mother is having their house in Palm Springs fumigated so he has got to cancel the trip for everyone. David shares that his grandparents have a place in Palm Springs that they said he’s able to use whenever he wants, and they just happen to be on a month long cruise around the world. Ah, rich retired people. David cancels on Scott, and then doesn’t invite him to Palm Springs, and the girls are less than happy about the fact that they are traveling to Palm Springs with David Silver.

At the Peach Pit, Brandon, bitter about missing his trip, argues with a grade school kid who is at the Peach Pit alone. The kid accuses him of not being a very good waiter. And I think he might be right.

The rest of the gang stop at a gas station to get gas station snacks, and a girl in a midriff and bejeweled leather coat, so we know she is not Beverly Hills, starts talking to David. Her name is Tuesday. They hit it off, so Tuesday is coming over to the house and bringing some friends. Brenda, Kelly, and Donna talk about Brenda possibly losing her virginity, and Donna has a lot to say about it……and none of it involved the fact that she is a virgin too…..afterthought?

Brenda arrives at the hotel, and tries to check in, but there is not Dylan McKay registered. When she tries to verify the information, she discovers that her wallet is missing. David takes the gang on a tour of his grandparents house, only to discover his grandparents making out in the hot tub.

Brenda encounters a valet while slamming down the pay phone. She tells him her sob story, and he offers to let her stay at his place right around the corner. Sure. Sure. Nothing worrisome about that. Also, Tom, the valet, is Stuart Carson. Is this a point they thought we would miss? Apparently……we may have been young, but we aren’t dumb.

Back at the Peach Pit, Brandon is hanging out with Curtis, and wiping down a spatula. Is that what waiters do? Isn’t that what bus boys do? Why does no one do what they are supposed to at their jobs? Dylan calls the Peach Pit looking for Brenda, and Brandon cock blocks so hard when Dylan tells him that he and Brenda were supposed to hook up in Palm Springs. And then Dylan spots “Janie” in the lobby and gives her that Dylan look.

Tom/Stuart sets up a cot for Brenda in the broom closet, while Kelly and Donna plan for all the boys that David’s grandma is inviting over the next day. The next morning, Brenda calls home and Brandon tells her where Dylan and the rest of the gang are. Before hanging up, he asks her where she will be. “Where do you think?” she replies. Brandon seems pretty upset as he hangs up. Dare I say, he almost seems jealous?

Tuesday comes to the Silvers the next day with her two friends for Steve. Her friends are both wearing a whole lot of leather in the middle of the desert, and they could possibly be paler than I am. Steve, needless to say, is unhappy with this turn of events. To be fair, he has been wearing an Oakland Raiders hat for most of the episode that I can only describe as ill-fitting. Maybe it’s just because of how fluffy his mullet is?

Brenda finds Dylan in the ambassador suite of the hotel, but when she goes in for the hug, she sees a young girl in a crop top on his couch. Being the calm, rational adult that she is, she immediately accuses him of cheating on her. She tells him she knew she couldn’t trust him, and when Janie asks if she should leave, Brenda says that Janie should stay because she’s leaving. And then she tells Dylan she never wants to see him again. As she storms through the hotel lobby, she talks to herself quite loudly about how all these other men wanted her and she managed to be faithful. What is it with the Walsh twins and volume control?

She seems to have an epiphany and heads back up to Dylan’s room. Janie answers the door and tells her that Dylan is in the bathroom, but she’s glad Brenda came back so they could talk to each other like adults. Brenda, the consummate adult, grabs Janie’s purse and throws it into the hallway, and then slams the door shut as Janie goes to retrieve it. When Dylan comes out of the bathroom, carrying the hand towel. Like why couldn’t he dry his hands in the bathroom and leave the towel there? Brenda angrily tells him that they should do it to get it over with before ordering Dylan to take his clothes off……

And we are back at the Peach Pit? WTH?! Such a tease! Curtis is eating a piece of pie with a dirty face and dirtier sweatshirt. He tells Brandon that he probably won’t see him the next day because he’s got things to do. Like no one thinks this is suspicious? A young kid hanging out without his parents all the time?

Back at the Silvers house, the punk chicks are super fond of Steve, who all of a sudden has trouble speaking up. David, who is rubbing an extra amount of sunscreen on Tuesday, is embarrassed by his grandparents. They seem to be much more popular than David, as there are all sorts of teenagers running around that we’ve never seen before. That actually doesn’t mean anything though, because we have lots of characters who have single episodes dedicated to them and then disappear. Brenda and Dylan show up, and Dylan chooses this time, in front of the grandparents, to talk about their fight. Dylan turned Brenda down, saying he didn’t want to be pressured into sex, much to Brenda’s chagrin.

David is mean to his sweet old grandparents, telling them to basically buzz off. But Dylan and Steve have a heart to heart with Grandpa Silver, while a Kelly, Donna, and Brenda listen to Grandma Silver talk about her pre marriage relationship issues. David, meanwhile, sneaks off to the bedroom with Tuesday, who ends up breaking down and telling him that she has a boyfriend who she’s trying to forget with David, but it’s not working. The group are back together, listening to the Silvers dish out relationship advice.

Back at the Peach Pit, Brandon is closing out for the evening, and should you really let a 16 year old close out alone at night? After he leaves, Curtis sneaks in and starts emptying the register. Of course Brandon forgets something and has to go back inside, catching Curtis. He roughs him up, and Curtis admits that he is homeless and needs the money. Brandon opens the kitchen and made food for Curtis to take to his family and then we never see him again. Given the fact that he’s homeless, It’s not quite as funny.

The group plays charades at the Silver house, and Dylan gives Brenda as a clue for “Pretty Woman.” David apologizes to his grandparents, and Dylan and Brenda talk about their future before Brenda picks another fight. This one is short-lived, but seriously. Why does Dylan put up with it? She literally said she knew she couldn’t trust him like an hour ago. 

Brandon comes home, and outs his shoes on the white couch, and his parents say nothing about that or the fact that he’s so late. They talk about helping him out with a new car. He says that he’s ok with another bomber like Mondale and then does his best impression of Beaver Cleaver.

Season 1, Episode 15: East Side Story

This episode starts with Brandon riding his bicycle through the mean streets of Beverly Hills, while some very questionable music plays. He’s wearing his backpack, so I’m assuming he is coming home from school. Did he forget that he has a car, or do that only remember that he got a DUI when it’s convenient? His parents are in the living room, talking to Anna and a man, and Jim looks up at Brandon when he walks in. Brandon, always having to be in the know, asks Brenda who the mysterious couple are. Brenda is already at home, working on her homework. Is this a weekend? How did Brenda get home already? If it’s a weekend day, why is she already doing homework? Is she some sort of nerd? Brenda tells him that they are throwing a party for Chick Schneider, the CEO of some surf fashion company. I told you, I don’t understand what accountants actually do for a living.

Jim calls the twins downstairs to introduce them to Richard Rodriguez, Anna’s cousin. Richard explains that Anna has a niece that attends a local high school. And all of a sudden, Anna speaks pretty darn good English, and finishes explaining that the school she currently attends is being overrun by gangs. Jim and Cindy have agreed to let Carla use their address so they can attend West Beverly. Ok, I’m just keeping track: the Jewish girl, the African American boy, and the LatinX girl all have to lie so they can have the privilege of attending West Beverly High? Nope, nothing racist about that.

At school, David calls MC Hammer’s office over the loudspeaker and is hung up on, causing Donna to remark how “out there” he is. Oh, Donna, just you wait. Steve’s attention is diverted by an attractive curly haired girl roaming the halls. Dylan is also distracted, much to Brenda’s chagrin. The new girl gets lost, and heads to the journalism classroom for directions. Brandon offers to help her, obviously bewitched as well. Being Brandon, he offers Carla a word of advice about how competitive West Beverly academics are. Brandon loves to mansplain. And he realizes what an ass he is when Carla dominates class discussions. Brandon tells Carla that she should have no trouble getting a scholarship and she is offended, assuming he means she could only score a minority scholarship. Why does no one tell all of these people about Brandon’s super open mind?? He tells her that he has gone out of the way to make things easier for her, um, he walked her to a class, and she just bites his head off….the sexual chemistry is fraught with these two. They come to an agreement that they both have misconceptions, and he invites her to the Peach Pit.

At the Peach Pit, Steve tells Brandon that Carla is really into him, and I think that it is great that Brandon keeps seeking out relationship advice from Steve. Apparently it is a short shift for Brandon, because it is still day light when he drives Carla home. He asks questions about day laborers, and if they are in East LA, and Carla answers him bitterly. He asks her if she is always so defensive, and he tells her that he thinks a lot of her issues are all in her head. Always the appropriate thing to tell a woman of color, that she’s imagining her hardships. Richard is waiting for her on the stairs, with folded arms, and in the background, a synthesizer starts playing to alert us that he is a bad guy. He tells Carla that she had better watch herself. Who the hell is this guy?

The next morning, Brandon uses his own spit to style his hair and his eyebrows, a totally normal thing to do. Brenda catches him checking himself out in the mirror and tells him that people are talking about how every girl that he has met since they moved to LA has been his next true love. Does she listen to the podcast? Brandon gets defensive, thinking that Brenda doesn’t approve of Carla because she is Hispanic and Brenda tells Brandon to go f himself. Turns out, she is the flaming liberal.

Anna and Cindy are reviewing the food list for the party that they are throwing for Jim’s client and Brandon asks Anna if she can bring Carla with her on days she works, so Brandon can give her a ride to school and she doesn’t have to ride the bus. Anna says that she will have to think about it, and Cindy and Anna give each other a look. I’m sure that will be relevant later in the episode.

Andrea, wearing a pink geometric blazer, asks Brandon what the deal is with Carla, and he wants to know if she’s been talking to Brenda. No, she’s been nosy in the registrar’s office, and saw his address on Carla’s file. Why does the school have student files just laying around where other students can view them? How does Andrea know Brandon’s address? I don’t know any of my friends’ addresses. I can drive you there, but I can send them a letter. She tells Brandon that his family needs to be careful, because if they catch Carla, and start a district shakedown, she is liable to get caught in the crossfire. Because only YOU should get the opportunity to go to a better school Andrea?

Brandon tracks Carla down because she has been avoiding him, and invites her out on the weekend, and she turns him down for every night. Brandon, the persistent misogynist, stops by the bus stop after school and aggressively offers Carla a ride home. In the car, Brandon tries to talk to Carla about the problems with her old school, but she tells him she doesn’t want to talk about it. He tells her that he is interested in her and would like a chance…….because he doesn’t take no for an answer. She asks if he likes to dance. Let me answer that for you Carla: no. Or yes. Depends on the episode. Apparently this episode he does, because we are soon entering what appears to be a dance class at a community rec center. They form a soul train line, and Carla asks Brandon to walk the line with her. It is not a Johnny Cash reference, as much as I hoped it was. Brandon “dances” down the line with Carla, and we are once again reminded as to why he doesn’t. It’s not good folks, not good at all.

Brandon takes Carla home, and they stop outside to say good night and enjoy the city landscape. Then they kiss and Brandon is trying to eat her face…loudly. Carla says she can hardly believe it’s only been a week. Meanwhile, Uncle Richard is creepily watching this from the porch.

The next day, Cindy is sitting in bed, stressing about the dinner party that she is apparently single handedly throwing for Jim’s big client. Again, what do accountants do? Jim is on the floor, doing sit ups in a monochromatic blue short set. Brenda breaks in to tell them the rental company is there, and that Brandon is working at the Peach Pit all day. After she leaves, Jim and Cindy discuss telling the kids the truth about Carla. Jim says that they can’t as he is toweling himself off after his 5 sit ups. Cindy looks down. Because she’s thinking.

Brandon isn’t at the Peach Pit, because he is at Carla’s house bringing her breakfast. Their conversation is soon interrupted by Richard. Why is this guy always wearing leather coats? Isn’t it California? Is it really cold enough to wear a leather coat all the time? Or is this how we’re supposed to know he’s a bad guy? Carla tells Brandon that she has to work, so she must go.

It turns out, Carla is working the party at the Walsh house. Brandon holds her hands awkwardly, and asks her not to work because it is weird for him. He then yells at his mother and no one does anything about it. He musters up the energy to be cordial to all of the party guests, while the guest of honor makes inappropriate remarks about Carla. Brandon asks for help “with chairs,” but really sneaks Carla into his bedroom. She is angry at him, and he decides this is the best time to bring up the control Richard has over her. This obviously makes her angrier, and he huffs in his sweater. 

Anna is upset by the appearance of Brandon and Carla together and reminds Carla that Richard said to stay away from Brandon. Meanwhile, Brandon overhears Chick, the swimwear king, tell Jim that he just opened a factory in Mexicali, and confronts him about exploiting them for cheap labor. Jim is understandably upset. But no one confronts Brandon about possibly costing Jim and his employer an important client. 

Brenda reveals to Brandon that when Carla ran out, upset by his confrontation, that she ran right to Richard’s car. Dylan noticed that Richard sat outside the house the whole time Carla was inside. Brandan surmise is that there is probably a little more to the story than there being told, and that he’s entitled to know the truth, because he’s 16 and has every right to question his parents judgment. So that’s what he does. Jim tells him that it’s not their secret to share, and suggest that Brandon go talk to Carla.

Brandon heads to Anna’s house, but Anna says that Carla is no longer staying there. She tells him that Carla has gone back to her family, but would love to see him to say goodbye. Carla reveals that her father works at a university in Paloma, and she did charity work in East LA. It was there that she witnessed a drive-by shooting and became the star witness for the prosecution. The shooter was a well-known gang member who threatened the life of anybody who testified against him. Anna was Carla’s babysitter, and volunteered to let Carla stay with her while they waited for the trial. The gang member, however, confessed, so Carla could come out of hiding. Richard wasn’t a bad guy, he was the prosecuting attorney. He just likes leather coats and brooding.

At school, Kelly chastises Donna for ordering the same shirt as her, as they walk down the hall in identical outfits. Brenda chastises Dylan for checking out a blonde right in front of her, and Andrea tells Brandon that his latest newspaper piece is her favorite. Brandon tells Andrea that he wishes all his relationships could be as easy as theirs is, you know, just friends…..with absolutely no attraction to one another whatsoever. And then Andrea burns holes into his skull with her eyes. And then Debbie Gibson makes a surprise appearance. Ah, the 90’s.

Season 1, Episode 14: The Slumber Party

This week, we watched Season 1, Episode 14: Slumber Party.

The episode starts in the Walsh kitchen, where Brandon, in a silky vest questions Brenda about her plans for the evening. Brenda says she is hosting a night of “female empowerment,” while Brandon and Jim call it a slumber party. I see the writers thought hard and long for the title.

Brandon asks Andrea what she has planned for the evening, and she tells him she is attending a woman’s conference at his house. He seems just as surprised as we are that Brenda invited her. Kelly and Donna want to clarify that it’s not a slumber party, especially when Kelly reveals that she invited another one of her “lifelong” friends, Amanda. David over years and tells Scott that they are “so there.” Seriously, how did he not get arrested the first season?Steve invites Brandon to do something with him that evening to help keep him out of the house. 

It’s “not slumber party” time, and Brenda is already in her pajamas……which is an oversized man’s plaid button up shirt…..which she’s paired with slouchy white socks and black dress shoes? 

Steve and Brandon attempt to sneak into a club called floodlight, or flashlight. It’s hard to tell because it is written in cursive and in neon light. Steve thinks that the bouncer will overlook their age, and Brandon’s tie, if Steve gives him money. Steve is wrong. Apparently the bouncer cares about his job and the law. The flash of cash did entice two young ladies dressed in lingerie. They introduce themselves as Trina and Shelly. Trina May look familiar, as she is the nanny from “Growing Pains,” that was also Mike’s girlfriend until Kirk Cameron discovered she had posed in Playboy and decided that didn’t fit his “Left Behind” aesthetic. Shelly, who seems to have borrowed Brenda’s headband from last week and looks creepily similar to her, was Hilly in “Weird Science.” She was also stabbed while laying naked in a raft in a lake in “Friday the 13th pt. 4.” The girls invite the boys to go for a ride in Steve’s car. There are only 2 seats, so all 4 of them squeeze into the front seat, and I’m pretty sure none of them have their seat belt on. Trina seems very interest in Steve’s manual transmission…..there was no other way to do that that wasn’t horribly sexual.

At the slumber party, the girls are dancing to a song that Hulu couldn’t get the rights to, so they appear to have no rhythm…..although the longer I watch, that could just be the case. Cindy comes in with snacks and the girls make her dance, and she keeps her eyes closed the whole time. She is also frightened of the dancing. Amanda walks in, silently judging everyone. She tries to convince a Kelly to leave and go to a frat party, so someone can enjoy her blazer. For those of you paying attention, Amanda was also in the movie “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” which also starred Luke Perry and Hillary Swank, who will join the cast in a few seasons. It’s either genius casting or super lazy casting. 

They head into the kitchen to eat ice cream, cookies, and chips. Kelly asks Amanda what she wants and she declines. She tells her she should eat, or else she’ll make the rest of them look like pigs. Amanda replies, “You said it, I didn’t.” Not to be out-bitched, Brenda grabs her ice cream, and snorts as she walks out.

Trina and Shelly suggest they all go to a parking lot of a closed down school, and all I can think is that Steve and Brandon need to stay sexy and don’t get murdered! They agree, though, because all of the blood has drained from their brain.

Back at Casa Walsh, Andrea breaks out a ouija board. Amanda mocks her, and Andrea tells her that it’s very powerful. Kelly pushes the planchette because I can see her fingers, and suddenly, there are flashes of light. It’s David and Scott, taking photos like a f’in creeper. All he’s missing is a trench coat and a tiny penis. It’s after midnight, so Amanda is angry that she’s too late to go to the frat party, and suggests they play “Skeletons in the Closet,” a game where someone sits in the circle, and everyone asks them personal questions.

Back at the parking lot, the four of them start making our. While sitting next to each other. And Steve is louder than Brandon. Gross. Trina asks to drive the Vette, saying it will make her go crazy. Steve kicks everyone out, while Trina strips Steve’s gears. She stops and tells Shelly to get in the car, and then peel out of the parking lot.

Steve has a hard time admitting that the girls were not into him, and that they scammed him instead. And then he has to poop, but I think he’s supposed to be crying. Steve asks Brandon to keep it quiet, and I feel like Brandon is keeping a lot of secrets for him.

Kelly is in the circle. Brenda and Donna ask her a couple of innocuous questions, which displeases Amanda. Andrea comes in, guns blazing. She asks Kelly what her first sexual experience was like. Kelly starts telling a story about when she and Steve were dating. Amanda stops her, and tells her to tell them about the real first time she had sex. She immediately begins tearing up, and starts telling them about Ross Weber, a senior football player who she had a crush on. She ended up joining him at a party, where everyone was drinking. Ross convinced her to go into the woods with him, where he assaulted her. Jennie Garth turns in another fantastic emotional performance in this scene.

Steve and Brandon talk to the police about the girls driving off in Steve’s car, and the officer tells them that Steve allowed her to drive his car, so it’s not theft until they don’t return it. He tells them they have to wait 48 hours to report it stolen. There is talk of consent, and I’m sure we are supposed to draw some parallels, but come on writers…..it’s a pretty cheap attempt.

Back at Casa Walsh, Andrea is in the circle, and Amanda asks her why she pronounces her name the way she does. She says that it can be pronounced both ways (all right Brandon, you were right), but she prefers Andrea because it is unique and different. Amanda then asks if she has ever slept with a guy before and she says, “No.” The girls then ask her if she could sleep with any guy at school, who would it be. She tells them it’s a lifeguard she met the previous summer. Amanda and Kelly call her out, and she admits to it.

At the police station, Brandon and Steve debate about whose mother to call, and they settle on Cindy, obviously. The police officer approaches them and tells them they just picked up 2 girls speeding in a Corvette with vanity plates.

It’s Donna’s turn in the hot seat, but she has nothing interesting to share. Amanda tells her that anyone who has no secrets to share is either lying or a total zero. Brenda snaps, and Amanda says that she hears Brenda has some juicy secrets.

Brandon and Steve confront Shelly and Trina about stealing Steve’s car, and they have concocted a story about getting lost, and speeding so they could try to find the boys. And Steve believes it. Brandon is like, “Hey dumb ass, they are liars….and thieves.” Steve sees it as an opportunity to get them to “work” for his forgiveness and tells the officer to let them go. The officer can’t because Trina has a warranty for a previous unpaid parking ticket. Steve flashes his credit card. I’m assuming at this point, all the blood has moved away from his brain and that’s why he is not thinking.

Kelly asks Brenda what the most outrageous thing she’s ever done is. I don’t mean to beat a dead horse, but did anyone pay attention that time she cut her bangs? Brenda says that she went with some friends to the lake during the summer and the boys they were with went skinny dipping. Instead of joining, they stole the boys’ clothing. Amanda mocks her, and Brenda tells her that she is a bitch. Takes one to know one, Brenda. Amanda pushes Brenda, and she finally confesses that she made out with her best friend’s boyfriend.  When her friend Marjory found out, she called her hysterical. Brenda says she did it to break them up. (Insert Justin Timberlake’s “What Goes Around Comes Around.”) Kelly admits that after Brenda started dating Dylan, she tried to get a date with him. She says that they had been flirting the whole prior school year. Brenda asked if they went out, and when Kelly says no, Brenda retorts that clearly “He wasn’t interested.” Poor, naïve Brenda. Brenda lashes out, and Kelly tells her that since she started dating Dylan, she’s become very stuck up. Donna concurs. Brenda says that Kelly and Donna are the most stuck up people she knows. Holy cripes. Birds of a feather. I feel like this has devolved into . Andrea gets angry that they are all fighting and stands up to leave. Kelly and Donna join her, and Kelly says that she wishes she never would have told them anything. Brenda stops her and tells her that she is glad she told her and they make up. And then Kelly says, “I would never try to steal Dylan from you.” And Brenda replies, “I lost one best friend because of some guy. I’m not going to lose 2.” And then Donna says, when I’m not such a goody goody, I’ll tell you sluts about it. Amanda has had enough, and leaves, leaving her purse behind. Donna trips, spilling the contents of Amanda’s purse on the floor. They discover a plethora of diet pills, and assume that’s why Amanda is such a bitch. I get it. I become a monster when I’m hungry. And I’m hungry all the time. Kelly asks her why she’s doing this to herself. So. Much. Foreshadowing. Amanda apparently used to be fat, and I can’t help but think it’s probably the Monica Geller version of “fat.” “Guys don’t go for fat chicks. Everyone knows that.” Amanda cries. Uh, move to the Midwest Amanda. They love us here. Amanda tries to leave, but Brenda asks her to stay. Donna heads to the kitchen to grab some cookies, and Amanda tells her to bring the box. One night at the Walshes and Amanda is cured!

Trina’s Way of making it up to Steve is by gifting him with one free manicure from her nail salon. Steve is upset. If only someone had tried to tell you….

Season 1, Episode 13: One Man and a Baby

Episode 13: One Man and a Baby

This episode starts with Brandon settling down next to a tree to eat his lunch alone. Hasn’t this poor kid found friends yet? Why is he always eating alone. From the other side of the tree, a girl starts singing….not very well either. Brandon asks her if this is a public performance and she tells him she thought she was alone….during lunch….at school. He then says he hates eating lunch alone. Then why do you do it all the damn time, Brandon? They introduce themselves to each other. Her name is Melissa and she likes wide headbands and baggy cardigans and off key singing. She is flipping through a Harvard course catalog and reveals that she’s got an interview over the weekend. Then Brandon confesses that he won’t graduate for another year, because he is a junior…..which he will be for another year…..but that’s neither here nor there. Melissa conveniently forgets a piece of folded paper, which Brandon unfolds and reads. Uh Brandon, that’s not your business, maybe you should fold that back up and just give it back to her, you know, like the professor did with your copy of the test.

Brenda and Kelly guess all 5 songs in a mix and try to win a radio contest. Brandon interrupts their attempt so he can call Melissa. Kelly and Brenda give him conflicting advice about how to ask for the date, but warn him that if she says she’s babysitting, she’s actually blowing him off. He asks her out for both Friday and Saturday night, but she tells him she is babysitting both nights. He confronts her and tells her that if she doesn’t want to go out with him, she should just say so. Again, this guy is the protagonist? She relents and agrees to go out with him.

He picks her up at her house, where he leans awkwardly against the door jam after knocking. Just stand up, dude. It’s not hard. If you are that tired, maybe don’t go out on a date. Melissa’s mom answers and they have a polite exchange and Melissa asks her if she is sure it’s ok. Her mom tells her to go out and have a good time.

In the car, Brandon and Melissa joke about the tree they met under and Mellissa asks Brandon if he has heard anything about her. He hasn’t. Uh oh, is she a Republican? Does she hate hockey? What can her secret be?

Brenda and Kelly are poised in front of a giant boom box, writing down the names of 5 songs again. Brenda calls in, and just as Brenda dials, Jim has to pick up the phone too. Jim and Cindy are playing Scrabble….on a couch cushion….with a perfectly good coffee table in front of them. I bet Cindy is winning.

We join Melissa and Brandon in the car, where it is uncomfortably quiet. Brandon catches Brenda’s voice on the radio, winning the contest. Their prize? Skydiving lessons. Brenda, we learn, is afraid of heights. Hi Brenda, I just got sick on the ferris wheel this past weekend, because we were stopped at the top for too long. I get it.

The date is over, and Melissa and Brandon went to a movie, where you don’t have to talk to each other. Brandon is still chalking it up as a win though. Melissa invites him in, so she can share her secret with him. She opens the door to a nursery (baby, not plants) and tells Brandon she’d like to introduce him to someone. The baby is named Joey, and Brandon, the insightful one, says, “Oh your baby brother?” Sigh. Come on Brandon. Melissa clarifies that Joey is her son, and Brandon is confused and must think about it, so he looks down.

Cindy and Jim aren’t keen on Brenda jumping out of an airplane, so she tries to convince them to allow her to claim her prize. Brandon comes home early, because a baby is a real mood killer, and asks to talk to Brenda upstairs. Brenda also had no clue that Melissa had a baby, and naively asks if she plans on marrying the father. If she did, that date was not a good idea.

Steve fills Brandon in on who and what led to baby Joey, and they begin arguing about abortion? Steve, surprisingly, thinks she should have taken care of the “problem.” Brandon thinks maybe the father should have paid more attention in sex ed. Isn’t it great though, that she lived in a time and place where she had the choice? I digress. Steve’s inspirational speech has convinced Brandon to ask Melissa out again.

Melissa, meanwhile, has gotten a C- on a paper, and I’m pretty sure that’s not what Harvard is looking for…..and some old friends stop her in the hallway and ask about Joey. They are obviously placating her, and the audience is shown the sacrifices that she makes as a teenage mother.

Brandon is heading out for his second date with Melissa, and Brenda says, “Getting serious.” We all know how quickly Brenda loves to move in a relationship, but Brandon corrects her and tells her that 2 dates is not serious. Brenda is sneaking out to go to her first skydiving lesson, and Kelly impatiently honks at her from the driveway. Brenda yells at her to “Hold up.” Uh, I’m sorry, but she’s outside, in her car, in the driveway, through a closed door.

Brenda doesn’t do well at the first night of skydiving lessons, until she notices how attractive the instructor is. First off, Dylan? Second, Kelly noticed him first. You probably recognize him from One Life to Live. I recognized him as Deke from Creepshow 2. It’s all about context.

Brandon has an extra guest on his date, as Melissa’s parents are out of town. He asks Melissa about how her parents feel about her having a baby, and she said they were supportive when she said she was going to keep it. Because that’s what parents do. When he asks why she decided to keep him, Melissa tells Brandon that she felt like she needed to take responsibility for her actions. Joey dumps his baby food on the floor, and maybe that’s because he sat there and tossed his bowl around for minutes and no one did any damn thing about it. Also, you know how I know that’s not actually her son? Because she has long hair still. Moms get the mom haircut right around the time babies can and do grab a hold of their hair and yank. 

Brandon heads home, exhausted from the 15 minutes he spent watching Melissa take care of a baby and finally enlightens his parents. Obviously, they are taken aback and Brandon furrows his brow and tells Cindy, “Melissa’s parents don’t have a problem with it, I don’t see why you should.” And Cindy says she doesn’t. First off, here goes Brandon telling self-righteously telling adults how they should be, and secondly, you are THEIR 16 YEAR OLD son dating a girl with a baby. They’ve got rights to opinions about this. Brandon, Who was just chastising his parents says, “I really like Melissa, but if I never see that kid again, it will be too soon.” First off, he’s a BABY. He’s being a BABY. Second, I’m assuming they are a package deal. I feel like I could write a whole book about how Brandon is a failure of a protagonist…..and a liberal.

The next morning, Brandon is awoken early by Melissa, whose sitter has canceled and she has her Harvard interview. Instead of calling, she just stops by with baby Joey and a diaper bag. Instead of asking, when Brandon asks out loud what she’s going to do, she hands the baby to Brandon and provides instructions. Then she thanks him, as if he volunteered to do her a favor. And the bassinet is packed with 22 diapers. 22. Is the Harvard interview at Harvard?

Jim and Cindy have a I’m assuming breakfast appointment with a client, so they recommend Brandon ask for Brenda’s help. As if on cue, Brenda comes bounding down the stairs. A honk comes from outside, and Brenda once again yells through a closed door that she’s coming. Also, the bracelet Brandon has on in this scene reminds me distinctly of the best friend bracelet Joey gives Chandler on Friends.

Steve comes over to watch the Lakers game and says they can handle babysitting. Their attempt at changing a diaper says otherwise. 

Brenda and Kelly vie for the attention of Paul, the skydiving instructor, and again, don’t you have a boyfriend? She fantasizes that she is a paratrooper for the Allied army……um ok? Kelly tells Paul that Brenda will be fine and rubs his bicep.

Brandon and Steve figured out the diaper situation and settle down to watch the Lakers game. However, the cable is out so Steve goes home. Melissa returns and yells at Brandon for feeding Joey ice cream. She tells him that he is irresponsible before getting pregnant and leaving a baby on the couch unattended. She says the interview went poorly because the interviewer thought she couldn’t handle Harvard and a baby. 

Brandon heads to Melissa’s, carrying a rattle bouquet, to try to cheer her up. Her parents are back, so she suggests going for a drive. Brandon tries to talk about Joey, and Melissa asks if they can avoid the baby talk. She then asks him to take a turn down an unknown road.

Meanwhile, Kelly and Brenda are 12,000 feet in the air. They fight in the door of the plane over who will jump first and who will stay with Don, before knocking each other in the air. 

Suddenly it’s night, and Melissa doesn’t seem to care that her mother told her they had to work tonight. She tells Brandon to pull over and suggests they get “lost” together. He reminds her that she’s got Joey at home and she says she’d like to be a teenaged girl for once.

Brenda confesses to her parents that she went skydiving and loved it and they don’t punish her even though she went against their directives. 

Melissa stops over with all of her baby supplies, but seemingly no baby and tells Brandon she didn’t know where else to go. She had stayed out too late, causing her mother to miss work. Brandon offers to take Joey for a few days and Melissa says she is thinking about giving him up. He then tells her how hard he always thought parenting would be, but then he spent A COUPLE OF HOURS with Joey, and realized how amazing it is. **Eye roll** Cindy comes in, because she’s the only one with any sense at all, and has a heart to heart with Melissa about parenting. Brandon sees Melissa at school and she reveals she’s worked out an alternate schedule so she can take care of Joey and attend school, and she’s waiting on Harvard. Brandon asks her out on a date, with Joey, and she turns him down, saying she needs to spend some time alone with her son, and we realize we will never see her again.

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