Episode 3: “The Green Room”

Let me predicate this week’s post by saying that I have Thursdays off of work during the summer and recently discovered that the POP channel has all day 90210 marathons, so I had to turn off season 10’s Thanksgiving episode (think Steve and Janet in the hospital with Madeline, and Donna struggling with the knowledge that Dr. Martin had sex with her aunt in a pool) SPOILER ALERT We will have to talk about what the writer’s have against healthy deliveries later. We can then discuss why, after the first season, Donna and Kelly never seem to have a period of good hair simultaneously.

This week I watched Episode 3 of Season 1, entitled “The Green Room.”

This episode starts off with someone, whose face we cannot see, surfing. A close up reveals that it is Brandon. It is clear that is a dream, but I can’t figure out if the special effects were supposed to be bad, or it was just a victim of the 90’s. The close up makes it look less like he is surfing, and more like water hit an upside down spoon while he was doing dishes. His dream is interrupted by season 1 Brenda, growing into some poorly cut fringe bangs, imploring him to get up and ready for school. Then, for some reason, we cut to a mailman in winter gear trudging through a snowstorm to a mailbox with “Walsh” on the front. The mail has been stamped with a forwarding address of 933 Hillcrest Avenue, Beverly Hills, CA, 90210. It is not a real address, in case you were wondering. The intro is vaguely familiar, as it is the one used during the first season, but changed after. Oddly enough, the intro is bookended by another mailman (excuse me, mailperson) delivering the mail to the new (literally, because it is a different house than the pilot, but the one that becomes synonymous with Casa Walsh) house.

Cindy is on the phone, arguing with Jim about his traveling (does accounting involve a lot of travel) while Brenda ponders the calorie count in her kiwi. She remarks about how delicious they are, and Cindy interjects that they should be with as much as they cost. Right, Cindy? Fruit is expensive. I assume this is why I’ve never been model thin. Brandon is clothed in his uniform of jeans and a T-shirt, while Brenda has on the girls 90’s uniform of a baby doll dress and combat boots. At school, Kelly looks more like Kelly with her high waisted jeans and a white off the shoulder shirt. There’s no neon in sight. She talks to Brenda about having to even out her tan and I have to pause because I am pretty sure that her tan is fairly even, as in nonexistent. And I’m not hating, I’m a natural redhead, so I understand what it’s like to be so pale that you are almost clear. Steve walks by nonchalantly and makes a crass comment about Kelly‘s plastic surgery. I think deep down Steve is just a sad, sad little boy who just needs a hug. David, in a New Order T-shirt (because he really likes music), tries to talk to Steve about his actress mother, but Steve just walks away. That David IS a dork. Brandon heads to the newspaper office where Andrea is busy being an editor, while wearing a vest. She wants Brandon to write an editorial about transitioning from the Midwest to Beverly Hills. Yeah, keep up Andrea, there’s like a whole show about it. He is not very excited about this, and states that he is merely a sports editor. Apparently being a sports editor doesn’t involve writing? It is also this scene where he calls her by her nickname for the first time, Chief. I would also like to note that in this episode, Brandon‘s mullet is gone. Oddly enough, Steve’s is as well, but Steve’s will be back.

Brandon leaves the newspaper room while everybody else stays. Clearly it’s not a journalism class, but Andrea always seems to be there and Brandon makes casual appearances. Brandon heads off to a robotics class? Is this an elective? Scott is also in this class, but it doesn’t actually have a teacher. Also, Scott is allowed to wear his Lakers hat in the building, like all the time. Does he have an IEP for it, is it a service hat, or why does he get to wear a hat in school? Anyhow, Scott has designed a floor plan for a club which Brandon is impressed by, but laments that he has never actually been in one, because he always gets carded. Scott, that’s because you are 14 years old. You’re going to get carded for a long time because you are still a baby. As he’s working, he gets harassed by a random blonde guy and a guy in a letterman’s jacket. Dudes in letterman‘s jacket always seem to be giant assholes. Scott calls them the missing link and they haul him out of his chair. Brandon stands up and suggests everyone calms down, when a voice from the corner begs the bullies to touch Scott’s keyboard. The voice turns around, and is accompanied by an earring and a trenchcoat. The bullies call the mystery man a loser, but seem to be frightened of him anyway. I too am frightened, but by how much I want to make out with him. I’m pretty sure Brandon does too, because he hunts him down after class to introduce himself. He then asks him out to lunch, and Dylan suggests they go surfing instead. As he stands up, I realize he is wearing denim overalls with only one strap fastened, like he’s a member of TLC.

Brandon doesn’t seem to be concerned about missing school and also seems to carry a wetsuit with him. Or can you rent those like you do surfboards? Either way, Brandon and Dylan meet up with some other surfers, one of whom is a blonde girl, and Brandon, as usual, is smitten. Needless to say, Brandon is not a very good surfer, a point that is emphasized by the tempo change in music whenever he is on screen. We find out at this point what the title is referring to; the “green room” is the perfect wave.The blonde girl tells Brandon this after rescuing him from the water. Blondie lives in the valley, “the darkness at the edge of town.” Come on, blonde girl, we learned all of this from Cher Horowitz. She also says that she doesn’t go to Beverly Hills High or West Beverly. I guessed that by the the fact that she was at the beach in the middle of the day. Blonde girl is named Sarah, with an H, but her friends call her Betty, because men are sexist. She too tells Brandon that he’s nice, and I’m beginning to see that the bar is real low for dudes in Beverly Hills.

Brenda and Kelly are shopping – on Rodeo Drive baby – and Kelly picks up several pieces, leaving Brenda to admit that she can’t afford to shop there. I feel you Brenda, except I say the same thing when we shop at the mall. The cashier asks, “Paper or plastic?” and I’m reminded that people used to use cash. And this introduces a plot device of 90210, where they introduce a point of conflict, only having it be an issue for one episode. I don’t think we really hear anymore about any money problems after that.

Steve is at home and his mother pages him using an intercom system to invite him down to dinner, obviously this happens in the 90s, because if it were today, she would’ve just texted him. She mentions that David Silver‘s dad is producing a movie she would be a perfect fit for her and suggests Steve play nice with David to help the connection. I’m just wondering where it is she gets her Hollywood Intel.

Jim is still stuck in Chicago, so Cindy cooked a big welcome home dinner and he’s not even going to be there to eat it. Brandon comes in quickly, lies and says he’s been working on his editorial all day and needs to go to the library to work some more. If you are writing an editorial about yourself, do you really need to go to the library for anything? Obviously, Casa Walsh is a fairly quiet house where he could definitely get some work done. You’ve got to think ahead Cindy. Parenting is not for the weak. Really, he is sneaking off with Dylan and Dylan’s surfer buddies.

Brenda, meanwhile, is attempting to make jeans similar to the ones Kelly bought for $150. Cindy seems unhappy with her life in Beverly Hills, and all I can think is wah, wah. You live in Beverly Hills. Also, who cares about the parents? iIf I wanted to feel sorry for a bunch of old white people, I would’ve watched Thirtysomething.

Poor Betty wants to hang out with Dylan and Brandon, but her surfing buddies won’t let her. Brandon and Dylan were real quick to step up for Scott but don’t say a word for Betty. Does Betty deserve to be bullied by these men? Why the sudden closed lips Gentleman? And furthermore, learn your worth Betty/Sarah, women are not possessions!

Dylan has a copy of the collective works of Byron in his car for some leisurely reading, because, of course he does. A rebel, a surfer, owns an earring, champion of the male underdog, and a poet. Let’s have babies, Dylan. I have been a teen mom for Dylan McKay. Then I could’ve gotten a show on MTV. Win, win. When Brandon asks him about the book, he says “Mad, bad, and dangerous to know.” Normally I’d roll my eyes super hard when a male teenage character says something like this, but not this time. I am a hard yes. To his credit, Dylan does verbally acknowledge how poorly Betty is treated by the other dudes, but then he insinuates that Betty wants it because she puts up with it. So close Dylan. We will have to talk it over at dinner.

We travel to the Bel Age hotel, which sadly is now the London West Hollywood, to “meet some friends.” The group walks through the halls, testing door handles until they find an open one. Brandon, obviously, is trepidatious as all men who love denim jackets are, and as Dylan orders room service, Brandon suggests they leave. “Breaking and entering isn’t fun where he comes from.” Minneapolis? I’m pretty sure people do it there too. Betty asks him to stay with her and he says no and leaves. Dylan chases him out, only to be greeted by room service in the hall. The waiter obviously knows Dylan, so we find out Dylan actually has a suite at the hotel. He’s not the delinquent he tries to pretend he is. And seriously, how did room service get there so quickly? He just finished ordering, and bam, like there’s some rip in the space/time continuum. Dylan admits he doesn’t want to ruin his reputation. As what, a member of the band TLC? Because of the overalls.

Brandon and Brenda are in the bathroom talking about Brandon’s night as they are getting ready the next morning, Brenda tells him that Dylan is trouble. To be fair, he did say he was dangerous to know. And aren’t all men worth getting to know, trouble? Don’t worry Brenda, you’ll find out soon. That’s why I hate you.

Brenda, and her homemade jeans, invite Brandon to go to the beach with her and Kelly. Once there, Kelly, in true Kelly fashion, complains about being cold. Donna sarcastically reminds her that she could’ve dressed warmer, but Kelly is a slave to fashion. Yaaaaassss queen. Steve comes by in his sweater and shorts and ask Kelly if she’s warm and then laughs. California insults. I’m not impressed.

As Brandon walks the beach, he stumbles upon Betty and her surfer friends who tell Brandon the beach and Betty are theirs. I don’t understand this. Did they win her in a bet like two tickets to the Titanic? Betty is clearly drunk, judging by the fact that she’s wearing a straw hat and wetsuit and because she’s drinking from something in a brown paper bag. That is the universal sign for alcohol. Brandon tells this girl who he has presumably known for a few hours, that she isn’t being herself and she needs to be careful. OK Cindy. What a killjoy. Brandon then runs into Dylan, who is wet and apologetic. My favorite things. He tells Brandon he wants to be HIS friend, not the two caveman on the beach. These two dudes are pretty dramatic about this friendship.

Steve is sitting alone on a towel when David approaches with Scott to say hi. For a guy that judges everyone else, he sure does seem to be alone a lot. He tells David that their parents know each other. David sits uncomfortably close to Steve and then immediately gets back up. Did he realize that he was invading someone’s personal space or did he start to choke on the shirt he had buttoned all the way to the top?

Kelly decides the party at the beach is lame and wants to leave. Brenda goes to find Brandon. Meanwhile, Kelly and Donna find Kelly‘s car, thus stranding the Minnesota Twins. Brenda discovers a surfboard floating in the water, and then, there is a board and a body, and then the body washes up on the beach. If that’s how it happens, how does anyone actually drown? Obviously, it’s our drunk friend Betty/Sarah. Brandon gives Betty mouth-to-mouth and yells at her to breathe, which is how you get people to breathe in the movies. She does and they head off to the hospital, where the doctor tells the Walsh siblings that Teddy is an alcoholic. Does California not have HIPPA? Cindy Walsh comes running in, after getting a phone call from the hospital, quips about moving back to Minnesota and they all hug. And provide a clip for the opening credits.

Brandon heads to the beach the next morning where Dylan and the surfer dude‘s are gearing up and high-fiving each other at inappropriate times. They are seemingly unaware of what has happened to Betty. Brandon calls them scum, and the surfer with the really frizzy ponytail punches him in the stomach several times. We know it’s hard because Brandon grants loudly at each impact. Dylan breaks it up, and Brandon self righteously huffs away. Dylan silently breaks one of the surfboards as a riff from an electric guitar plays. Dylan follows Brandon and asks him if he would like to go to breakfast. Brandan rejects Dylan‘s offer so he can finally go home to write his editorial.

Brenda and her bad bangs are doing homework when Kelly calls. Brandon, ever the diplomat, tells her that Kelly seems to feel really bad. He then asks Brenda to read his editorial called “the Green Room.” She reads it aloud because she doesn’t have an inside voice. He compares West Beverly to the green room and talks that how there is more to people than meets the eye. Yeah, Brandon, the Transformers taught us that too.

Inside his suite at the Bel Age hotel, Dylan sits in the dark, brooding, with the landline at his feet. We find out it is not because he’s waiting for Ross to call to apologize for sleeping with the girl at the copy shop. He calls his parents, but instead reaches an answering service and an operator who doesn’t recognize his name. He rests his face in his hands as the electric guitar wails in the background.

At school the next day, Steve finds David and invites him to lunch with their parents. It’s then that he discovers that David’s dad is an oral surgeon, not a producer. I still feel like that would be a good friend to have in case you need any bridgework or antibiotics.

Andrea finds Brandon, and tells him that she read what he wrote. I hope so Andrea, you are the editor of the paper. Then Betty/Sarah is just hanging out in a random hall of the school that she doesn’t attend and tells Brandon her parents are putting her into a treatment program. Brandon tells her to give him a call when she gets out, his number is listed. The 90s were such an innocent time.

Kelly and Brenda, come around the corner and Kelly seems impressed by Brenda’s sudden notoriety since helping to save Betty/Sarah. She tells her she’ll see her at lunch and Brenda begrudgingly agrees. Brandon says, “You know what. I think we’re going to make it here.” To which Brenda replies, “Speak for yourself.” Oh he was Brenda, he was.