This episode is the continuation of the pilot. Hulu calls it “Pilot, Part 2,” but I affectionately referred to it as “Oh no Kelly, what are you wearing?” As our episode starts, darkness has fallen upon Beverly Hills. We see a single light, presumably a motorcycle, toiling down a curvy road. The light weaves in an out of the lane, letting us know that whoever the driver is is a bit of a rebel and has no time for lane markings. We can make out that there are two individuals a top the motorcycle, but we aren’t quite sure who they are yet. The camera zooms in, and we discover, it’s not actually a motorcycle. It is more of a crotch rocket, so we now know that the person probably isn’t purposefully weaving across the road. It’s probably just too hard to steer that mess. We get closer to the two individuals atop the moped and discover that it is Brandon and Marianne. Actually, make that Marianne and Brandon. She is driving, while Brandon sits perched behind her, holding tightly to her waist. I imagine if he weren’t so scared, he’d be holding a pinwheel and gleefully screeching, “Weeeeeeee” like that pig in the Geico commercials. Also, I am all about safety, “I’m a safety girl,” but the helmets that Brandon and Marianne seem disproportionately large, like if they stood up, they would just fall right over. It might be that it’s hard to take either of them seriously, considering the long wisps of Brandon’s hair that are creeping out the bottom of his giant helmet. Marianne tells Brandon that he needs to drive, but he is hesitant because it’s her Dad’s bike. Um, I’m sorry. It’s an adult that owns and drives that? I have serious reservations about what type of person Marianne’s dad is. I bet he wears button down shirts with thick gold chains. I don’t know what type of person that is a stereotype for, but that’s what my stepfather used to wear and that guy was a dick.
All is takes to convince Brandon to drive the bike is an “Aw, come on,” and some rather unhinged screaming from Marianne. With Brandon at the helm, Marianne uses her position behind him to wrap her arms around him and feel up his leg? I know I am not super adept at flirting, but I’m not sure what that move conveys exactly. Plus, now you’re just being unsafe. What if he rounds a corner and she’s not holding on? The sheer weight of her helmet will pull her right off that bike. The scene cuts to the two of them in a hot tub drinking what appears to be champagne, and some obscure 90’s slow jam playing. The two of them are talking, getting to know each other in that awkward way you do when you’re 16, but all I can focus on is how often Marianne purses her lips. Duck lips weren’t a thing until the 2010’s right? Again, I was never good at hitting on men (I would wink and throw up finger guns if a cute guy walked by), but is that an invitation to kiss, or has she watched “Pretty Woman” one too many times?
She does initiate a kiss, so maybe the lip pursing really was an invitation, and then tells him he is “really nice.” He returns the sentiment. Uh oh, I’m pretty sure she just put him in the friend zone. 16 year old girls don’t date the “nice guy,” they date the guy who broods and whose hair always looks wet. Despite being “nice” people, they continue to make out, and Marianne blurts out, “Let’s take off all of our clothes.” Now that sounds like how I would flirt. Brandon, ever the Boy Scout, stops her, and tells her she’s moving too fast. Ah, rejection, that’s also familiar. Brandon, a consummate feminist, tells Marianne that he feels like the roles are reversed and she should be holding out on him a little bit. Feminist me is proud of Marianne for owning her sexuality and disgusted with Brandon for perpetuating misogynistic stereotypes. 43 year old mom me says, Hey guys, you’re 16, let’s slow it down. Isn’t there a milkshake shop somewhere you should be at. Maybe a bible study? Marianne wants to know why she should wait and Brandon tells her that he’s not going anywhere. We’ve now learned that Brandon is a relationship guy, even if he is a sexist. He asks Marianne about the example her mother has set for her, so apparently 43 year old mom me is there. Marianne discloses that her dad manages rock bands and her mom was a groupie who probably thinks that Marianne is a prude. There are many aspects of 90210 that transcend its time, and even more that make me nostalgic. This tone deaf conversation is not one of them.
Marianne continues, talking about the dichotomy of her reputation. If she goes out, she is considered a party girl, but if she stays home, she is stuck up. The ole Madonna/whore complex. I’m glad that in 2019, we’ve moved past that. (Cough*sarcasm*cough) Brandon then laments that sometime in the future, he’s going to kick himself for turning her down, and she tells him that she won’t let him. I bet these kids are gonna make it.
The next scene joins Brenda and Jason, the lawyer, in his apartment, which was apparently decorated solely from Spencer’s gifts. His telephone is clear with a neon light up base, and he’s got a water wall feature, just like the one Joey had in his apartment on Friends. As they are making out, Brenda perpetuates the lie by telling Jason that her house mother is strict and she’s got to be home by midnight. Jason reassures her that he lives right by campus, so he can get her home quickly, and then he winks at her. Was there a joke there that I missed? Or was the joke that shouldn’t this have struck Jason as odd? If Brenda truly lived on campus, wouldn’t she know that his apartment isn’t far from it? It’s like, he’s a lawyer, so he should be smart…..but he did pick out that wave machine, so maybe he lacks common sense. They continue to make out, and Jason starts to take Brenda’s dress off. She stops him and asks him what he’s doing, and he poetically says, “Taking your clothes off.” Brenda stops him, and tells Jason that she’s not ready, and he tells her that he doesn’t want to rush her……except for when he tried to take her clothes off on the first date. She thanks him for understanding, because not forcing women to have sex has always been the bar that is set for praiseworthy behavior.
Jason drives Brenda to campus, and she asks him to drop her off at a sorority house. She then tells him that she doesn’t have a phone so he can’t call her. You know, normal college aged girl things. He gives her a business card and then drives away with his arm draped out of the window, because of course he is that guy. Brenda then calls a cab, which drops her off at home just as Brandon is getting home. Demonstrating his progressive thinking, Brandon demands to know why Brenda was out so late, and she asks him the same question. Neither is filling the other in, and they agree to not tell Cindy, the relationship I hope to have with my kids someday. Then Brandon lumbers in the front door, as you do when you’re sneaking in past curfew. Smooth Brandon, real smooth.
Brenda can’t sleep, so she calls Kelly at 6am to fill her in on her night, and she pronounces lawyer weirdly, considering she is supposed to be from the Midwest. Brenda says that she had a really great night, so Kelly assumes that this means they slept together. Does this mean I should watch out for the use of the phrase, “great night” when my kids start dating? Is this a euphemism? Some woman comes storming into Kelly’s room, claiming to be Kelly’s mom, wanting to know what sort of monster calls at 6am. The call woke up Bob, to which Kelly retorts, “Good, someone should.” Sick burn Kel, sick burn. I’m assuming that Jackie is hungover from some cocaine fueled bender, or maybe I am, and that’s why she looks completely different. By the way, this version of Jackie pronounces mature as ma-toor. She must be from the Midwest. This interaction seems to be the precursor for Jackie’s eventual rock bottom, and our indication that Kelly isn’t the carefree Beverly Hills rich girl we were led to believe she was. An absentee parent = depth.
This early morning phone call must have given Kelly extra time to carefully choose this school days outfit, which includes a green blazer, and a pink tee shirt layered under an orange vest. This is what she is wearing when she heckles Steve about his damaged car and reveals that she saw the freshman “dork” who drove him home that night. And one thing I can’t let go of, aside from the mess they keep dressing Kelly in, is that Marianne’s party was on the first day of school, yet Kelly says “Friday” night when telling Steve about seeing a David in his car. And they seemed to go to school the next day. I’m soooo confused! I’m guessing 14 year old me saw nothing out of the ordinary. She was dumb.
Kelly and Brenda head into science class together, and Billy Madison’s principal is listening to classical music while rubbing a bust of Mozart and I’m wondering why they let him around teenagers. Brenda confesses to Kelly that she hasn’t studied at all that week and I’m wondering if that will be important news. We then join a Brandon and Steve in Spanish class, where Brandon receives a dozen roses from Marianne. Steve remarks that he must have been “really good” and Andrea is pissed, so she must assume the same thing. I’m wondering if this is what Marianne does with all the guys she dates, and that’s why Andrea is angry, or if she doesn’t, and that’s why Steve assumes they slept together…….
We are now inside the office of The Blaze, where Andrea is busy giving directions, so we know she is the editor. She instructs two students “This one first, then this one.” Once she’s made her changes, she commends them and tells them that it looks great. Ok Andrea, we get it. It looks great because you fixed it. You are the best. She then sprinkles her sunshine over Brandon by telling him that she doesn’t seem him and Marianne together because he’s bright and down to earth and Marianne is stupid and rich. I would expect Andrea to be a woman who supports other women, but high school crushes are a bitch. And Brandon, the dutiful boyfriend defends Marianne, saying that she has a certain image she has to maintain, but that’s not really who she is. That must have been some hot tub time together, cuz she literally told him to take his clothes off…
Brenda, Kelly, Donna, and a random girl who also loves pink and orange are standing around a pay phone (oh, the 90’s) listening to Jason’s voicemail before hanging up. Caller ID ruined so many fun things about being a teenager. Sometime during the school day, Steve has found time to print out colored flyers, looking for the “dork” who wrecked his car. Maybe you should try focusing on your schoolwork Steve, and you wouldn’t hav3 to steal the Legacy Key. I’m getting too far ahead of myself. He’s pretty aggressive about it too. If someone doesn’t want one of his flyers, he literally shoved it at them, until they take it. But also, he could have a great career as one of those lotion guys in the middle of the mall. Like any good undercover agents, David has disguised himself in a bowler hat and sunglasses……and a T-shirt with a giant peace sign on it. It is kind of like when Christopher Reeves put on the glasses, and no one realized he was Superman. Scott reminds David that he still has his favorite Lakers hat, the one that HIS NAME IS SEWED IN, (nerd) and David admits that it is in Steve’s car.
Brandon is approached by some dudes in what appears to be gym class about his date with Marianne. We know it is gym class because they are all wearing sweatshirts and Brandon is drenched with sweat, while literally no one else is. Brandon does always give it his all. Brandon tells the random guys that what he did with Marianne, no other guy would be able to handle. Sure Brandon, lots of dudes have blue balls. Obviously the randos assume they slept together and spread that around the school like mono.
On the way to school the next day, Brenda tells Brandon that she heard about him and Marianne and that she’s surprised by him. Then, their relationship is brought up during the morning announcements on the school radio and Brandon is named “Wild Thing” of the week. Are morning radio announcements a California thing, like West Beverly and Bayside? Our announcements consisted of the lunch menu and which car left their lights on in the parking lot. Although a Brandon gets angry at Brenda, he seems to like the attention he gets walking through the hall, almost as much as he likes denim coats with leather collars, until he spots Marianne, who is obviously angry with him. She lays into him about the rumors and he refuses to take the blame. She tells him that she can’t trust anyone, not even her parents, and I feel like maybe that’s not the right time to bring them up?
Steve congratulates Brandon in Spanish class and Andrea yells at him, telling him that she had expected more from him and that there were ways to get popular other than advertising your sexual conquests. And the she says that he probably can’t even write a good lead. I’m not sure if she understands how insults work. David and Scott apparently carry car jimmies with them to school because they suddenly have one available to open Steve’s car. His car alarm triggers a beeper which seems completely made up, and Steve catches both David and Scott in his car. David admits that it was him, but that Steve was drunk and he’d never driven a stick shift before. Neither have I, which is why I know that a stick shift doesn’t go PRND12. Regardless, David offers to pay for the damage and Steve tells him that he has insurance and then calls David a dork. Seriously writers, is that your vast repertoire of insults? Clearly none of you grew up with an older sister.
Brenda is getting ready for a date with Jason, when a Brandon comes and tells her he feels like it is his fault that the rumor got started. Uh, you think? Brenda says she’s glad to hear it. That what? Your brother is begrudgingly taking a piece of responsibility for something he is completely responsible for?! He then asks Brenda if her relationship is serious, and she says she thinks it is. You’ve been on one date. I know she’s 16, but I feel like we are talking about that Alicia Silverstone movie, The Crush. Let’s calm down everyone. It’s a Tuesday night and someone is finally asking why Brenda is going out on a school night. Thank you Jim! I hated you when I was a teenager, but now I realize you are the voice of reason. The lie that Brenda tells is that she’s going to McDonalds and Jim says, “I don’t think I’ve even seen a McDonalds since we’ve been here.” Surely rich people have to crave that Big Mac special sauce every once in a while!
Brenda and Jason go on a double date with some of Jason’s friends and they ask what she is majoring in. She says astronomy. Seriously? Of all the garbage majors out there, like political science (my college major), you choose astronomy? The male friend then asks her what a black hole is. She tells him that it is a hole in space that is black, and I feel like that is the answer an astronomer would give. They end the date by making out In front of her fake sorority house and he tells her they are going out on Friday and she should plan on spending the night. Three dates = taking it slow. And then he winks at her again. Is this a tic? I’m not understanding the timing of these winks.
Brandon goes onto the radio to announce to the school that he and Marianne did not sleep together. He’s hoping his humiliation will illicit forgiveness. Brenda and Kelly discuss Brenda’s date on a Friday, and a Kelly says that Brenda has to tell Jason the truth and that if he really loves her, it won’t matter. She sounds like the voice of reason until you realize that Jason and Brenda have been on two dates and a Brenda is 16, while Jason is 25. Brenda and Kelly get their quizzes back in science class and Brenda has failed. So has Kelly, but that’s to be expected. She did just give Brenda that really horrible advice. Because of Brenda’s previous academic record, she is required to go to the principal. Once in the principals office, I notice the outfit that Brenda is wearing. She has on a blue blazer, yellow T-shirt and tights and checkerboard skirt. She has been Kelly Taylored. Brenda promises to do better, and the principal gives her something to have her parents sign. He tells her that something is obviously going on with her, and he wants to make sure someone knows. Finally, someone who should actually be teaching children. This must be why he disappears after the first episode.
Brandon tracks Marianne down in the hall, and asks if she heard his radio confession. He tells her he never meant to hurt her, and she says she never meant to let him get close. I listen to this now, and I can’t believe the 16 year old conversations these guys have, but I know that during the first viewing, I had a notebook and was writing these lines down for the day my boyfriend betrayed me. He asks her out on another date and she turns him down. Brandon seems non plussed and decides to track down Andrea to see if she heard what a noble person he was. She is little impressed, and late to get home. He wants to make sure she understands what a great guy he is, so he follows her out of the school, where we see her getting on a bus with what looks like a group of domestic workers headed home. Has no one else noticed this in her three years at West Beverly? She is literally the only teenager at this bus stop. Brandon decides to follow Andrea’s bus, a totally normal and good guy thing to do. Andrea tells Brandon that she uses her grandmother’s Beverly Hills address to attend West Beverly, because it is the best school in the district and if he tells anyone, she will get kicked out. He swears that she can trust him, because he just lies about sleeping with girls.
Brenda decides to be honest with Jason on their third date, and feels confident when he tells her the last girl he went on three dates with, he lived with for 11 months. He uses the phrase, “the older I get,” when he is 25, so Brenda should have gotten up and left the table right then, but she admits to him that she is a JUNIOR in high school. This class doesn’t actually graduate for another 2 years, as if we wouldn’t notice, writers. He then threatens to sue her parents. I think he could genuinely be the worst lawyer ever. He drops a sobbing Brenda off at home, but not before trying to get a little sumthin first. Cindy comforts her, seeming to overlook the fact that she’s been lying all these nights, but I’m sure Brenda has learned her lesson. She then heads upstairs to work on science, as she should.
Brandon and Brenda have a heart to heart where they both admit that neither of them had sex, which is a super weird thing to talk about with your sibling, but whatever. Brenda then shuts off the light and Brandon lays down in bed, fully dressed and with his shoes on. It just makes sense that I became a Dylan girl. And hopefully we get to talk about him next week.
Donna Martin Graduates: For the Love Of 90210 