Season 1, Episode 12: BYOB

This week’s episode is Episode 11: BYOB. If you are unaware, BYOB stands for bring your own booze. I like to put it at the bottom of all of my invitations. Then I don’t have to pay for everyone else’s alcohol, and I can skim some off of all of my guests.

The episode starts with everyone filing into the halls of West Beverly Hills High, many apparently 90’s Sailor Moon cosplayers. For the amount of people seen running across the quad, everyone in this skill is always running late…..Brenda and Kelly are walking casually down the hall, having left more than enough time to get to class, discussing men’s obsessions with their cars. Kelly postulates that they are an extension of their you-know-what’s. Their conversation is interrupted by Donna, who tells them her parents left for Cabo and invites them to a party at her house. There is a lot of lace and scallops in this scene. Donna tells them she is keeping the guest list to “strictly A-list,” implying that they are on the A list. All right, we will go with that I guess. 

Dylan declines Brenda’s invitation, as he is “better one on one.” I don5 believe you, Dylan. Better show me. Brenda talks Brandon in to coming. It wasn’t a super tough sell, to be honest. He’s kind of a push over.

Jim and Cindy are headed to a company retreat in Palm Springs, and it prompts some making out on their part, and a mild case of reflux on mine. The retreat is the following weekend, so Brandon and Brenda will be home alone. 

The twins head to Donna’s for her party, and apparently it is a black tie affair. I didn’t go to many parties in high school, but I think most were a jeans and t shirt event. Steve is in charge of the blender and doling out mango margaritas, and again, they look delicious. Brenda takes one, but Brandon declines, stating that he is driving.

Steve tells him he will make him a virgin margarita, but most definitely puts alcohol in it. And Brandon enjoys the taste. Steve eventually confesses to Brandon, who is at first upset, but then succumbs to peer pressure and continues to drink. 

Drunk Kelly and Steve head upstairs together, and Brandon “dances” with some random girl who is wearing blue satin opera gloves to a high school party. Bad choices all around. 

The Walsh twins head home, where Cindy is waiting up for them. Brandon heads upstairs and Brenda kisses Cindy good night and she smells the alcohol on Brenda’s breath. Cindy fills Jim in, and Jim asks if Brandon had been drinking as well, and Cindy replies, “You know how Brandon feels about drinking. It’s Brenda who is impressionable.” She wants to talk to her before she goes to bed, but a groggy Jim wants to wait until the morning. Way to participate in parenting Jim.

The Walsh parents, dressed in their matching tennis outfits, confront Brenda in the morning, appalled at the fact that there was alcohol at the party. Seriously? What did they think would happen at a party? A mean Jenga tournament? Brenda angrily apologizes and walks out of the room just as Brandon enters. They ask Brandon if he knew that Brenda was drinking, and he not only throws her under the bus, he drives right over. He says that he should have said something to her, but he didn’t think it would do any good. They then tell Brandon that they expect him to be in charge while they are in Palm Springs the following week. He asks Brenda if she said anything, and she tells him that he owes her one. Or like, 7 Brenda. 

Fast forward to the next week, Cindy and Jim are headed to Palm Springs, leaving the twins with a comprehensive list of emergency phone numbers. They head to school, where Kelly and Donna try to convince Brenda to throw a party. She says that Brandon will never agree, but she will try to work on him, nonetheless. 

Jim and Cindy try to enjoy their time alone in Palm Springs, but for some reason, the adjoining room door doesn’t lock, and they are interrupted by Trudy and Bob from Dallas. 

Brenda works on Brandon over dinner, attempting to convince him to throw a party. She says that throwing a party when your parents are out of town is practically a right of passage in Beverly Hills. I tink that’s true everywhere, Brenda.  Brandon says he’s worried about people drinking. He says that he promised their parents, and Brenda tells him he owes her one. She then asks him if he ever gets tired trying to do the right thing all the time. Um…….can she hear how that sounds coming out of her mouth? I’m just wondering. He relents.

Trudy and Bob interrupt another makeout session of Jim and Cindy’s and invite themselves out to Beverly Hills to visit. 

David overhears Brenda and Kelly discussing the party, and resolves to attend. Brenda tries to convince Dylan into coming to their party, and Andrea invites Brandon to some nerdy music thing. He tells her he can’t because he’s having a party, and she’s obviously upset he didn’t invite her. He tells her it’s Brenda’s thing, but she’s more than welcome to attend. 

The “small” party soon turns in to a couple hundred people destroying Casa Walsh. Steve keeps plying Kelly with alcohol, hoping for a repeat of the previous weekend, and Brandon also succumbs to his charms, breaking the “no drinking” pact he had with Brenda. The cops make an appearance, and ask them to turn down the music. Dylan tries to convince Brandon to stop drinking, unsuccessfuly, and Andrea makes an appearance. He offers her a drink, and she is not a fan. He then ASKS HER TO DANCE. Writers, be consistent. Either he dances or he doesn’t. 

Meanwhile, Jim and Cindy are trying to enjoy time in the hot tub together and Bob and Trudy interrupt and make it super awkward. They are swingers and want to swing with Jim and Cindy. 

Back at the party, David watches Kelly from across the room and tells Scott that she is as “good looking as Christie Brinkley.” Scott tells him, “You’re no Billy Joel.” For those of you not in your 40’s, Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley were married to each other in the 90’s. A drunk Steve tries to convince Kelly to go to the bedroom with him and she tells him no, and then turns to David and asks him to dance. Brandon kisses Andrea, and she pushes him away, accusing him rightfully of being drunk. He tells her that she always edits what he does, so she leaves, telling him she will see him on Monday. Steve finds him and clues him in to the fact that they are out of alcohol. I have to wonder how much alcohol they started with. Steve has been carrying around the same kool aid pitcher full of red liquid. Is that it? Worst. Party Ever.

Brenda and Dylan are walking together outside of the house, while Brenda stresses about what time she should pull the plug on the festivities. I’m beginning to think that maybe Brenda regrets her decision. Steve and some guy we never see again head off to Steve’s house to get alcohol, while Brandon heads to the “market” to get snacks and fruit punch. They’ll meet back in 15 minutes. Seriously, I can’t even make it to the next block and back in 15 minutes. Is everything in LA just right next door to each other? Brandon weaves in and out of traffic, sometimes crossing into the oncoming lane to pass cars. He turns his head to check out an accident he barely avoided, missing the truck pulling out of a driveway and right into his path. He crashes right into the side of it. 

Jim has had a failure to launch, because of course he did. I’m guessing hypocrisy tenses things up. The phone rings, and it’s Brenda, calling from the police station. Brandon has been arrested for drunk driving. That’s one way to end the party. Besides the point, I will say, the super tight, unflattering curls are certainly holding up well in her hair. 

Brandon is alone in a jail cell, sitting in the one beam of light from the moon outside. How very noir. His perfect hair is a muss and he’s got a few bruises on his face, and he sighs heavily and looks around the room. That’s what you do to let everyone know that you have contemplated your failures and that you feel guilty for them. Eyes to the left, then the right. Sigh deeply. 

Jim and Cindy are in the lobby of the police station and Cindy says, “This is a parent’s worst nightmare.” Uh, perspective Cindy. Jim replies, “A parent’s worst nightmare is id’ing their child in the morgue.” There you go! There’s perspective. An officer escorts Brandon out to the waiting room, and they apparently allowed him time to brush his hair because it is perfectly coiffed again. He’s looking down, signaling to his parents that he feels guilty. Up next, my book about acting! Cindy and Jim ask if he’s ok and he tells them it’s only a few cuts and bruises, but now he understands what convicts risk their lives to escape prison. Woah woah woah Brandon, you were alone in a cell for one night. There was no communal shower or requisite welcome to prison party. Let’s bring it back around to that perspective talk. Jim hugs Brandon, and Cindy suggests they all go home to sleep and talk about it in the morning. YOUR. SON. WAS. ARRESTED. FOR. DRUNK. DRIVING. I feel like they should be a bit more upset about this. On the way out of the police station, Brandon declares that he will never throw another party, and his parents are shocked. Brenda apparently left something out when she called them earlier. Ooooopppppssssss. Btw, Brandon, that is definitely not the last party you throw. 

Jim, sleeping his way through parenthood.

Casa Walsh is trashed, and Brenda is trying to scrub a red stain out of the rug. Jim and Cindy seem angrier about the state of the house than they were that there son was driving drunk. Brenda tells them she invited a few friends over and it got out of hand, but reveals that she wasn’t drinking. Jim asks how he is supposed to believe her, and Brandon defends her. Finally. She then tries to say that there is a lot of pressure on boys to drink, and even as a teenager I recognized that that was a bullshit excuse. Brandon lies and says that someone spiked his drink, and he was half drunk before he realized. Brenda stares at him, waiting for his pants to catch on fire. 

At school on Monday, Brandon apologizes to Andrea for kissing her, exactly what every girl wants to hear. She says it is ok, that she is just glad he is ok. Kelly and Donna, in a bra with a denim shirt over it (uh hello dress code?) ask Brenda if she’s grounded and she tells them that she has got to pay to clean the carpets and to replace everything that was broken. David dedicates a song to Kelly who is mortified. 

Dylan stops to check on Brandon and Brandon feels sorry for himself some more, complaining about his short time in the jail cell. Brandon rails on about why everything he does has to affect his parents so much. Uh, cuz they birthed you and they take care of you, and let you live under their roof. He tells Dylan he wants to go out and get drunk out of spite. Dylan takes him to an AA meeting instead, where we learn that Dylan is an alcoholic. Broken and handsome? Just how I like them.

Season 1, Episode 11: Isn’t It Romantic

This weeks episode, number 11 is “Isn’t it Romantic,” our next Dylan centric one. Swoon. I will also say this is one of my favorite episodes of the series. As much as I wanted Dylan and Kelly together in the end, I appreciated the chemistry between Luke and Shannen.

This episode starts with Brenda, walking across the front yard of Casa Walsh, swinging a plastic bag. She is wearing a pair of rolled up denim shorts, an aqua t-shirt and fabric headband. Quintessential 90’s style. She heads to the driveway, where a greasy Brandon is working on Mondale. Brenda wants to know where winter is, because she tells Brandon she needs a season to sulk and be depressed in. I think that is called Seasonal Affective Disorder Brenda, you might want to get that checked out. Apparently, she has to babysit and had to go to 3 different video stores to find Dirty Dancing. This is a nice touch by the writer’s, helping to remind us that this Beverly Hills transplant is relatable. An equally greasy Dylan slides out from underneath the car and Brenda, startled, says, “I didn’t see you there.” He replies, “I saw you,” while looking he up and down. I’m pretty sure every woman watching got pregnant from that look.

The phone rings and it is the family that Brenda is supposed to babysit for. The child has chicken pox, so they need to cancel. Brenda calls Kelly, apparently desperate for something to do. She tells her she will go on a date with Kelly’s dweeb cousin. Donna has already agreed, and started a pattern of dating geeks. Kelly asks her if she wants to come over and Brenda tells her that she’s going to stay home and sort her socks. She heads to the balcony overlooking the driveway, and Dylan looks up at her. We’re all pregnant with twins.

Jim comes outside, and Brandon suggests he checks out what they’ve done to the car. Jim strikes up a conversation with Dylan, asking him where he learned to work on cars. Dylan tells him he learned about working on cars by working on cars. Fair enough. I watch Youtube videos about stuff, but you do you Dylan. Jim then asks Dylan if he bought his Porsche from his paper route earnings, and Dylan suggests its something like that. I think it’s safe to say that Jim didn’t like Dylan from the beginning, long before his relationship with Brenda. Dylan asks Jim’s permission to clean up by taking a shower and Jim agrees, and then asks if he takes his earring out while showering. Does Cindy? Does Brenda? Open your mind Jim. It’s just an earring. It’s not like he wears tank tops despite having a super hair back.

Brenda hears the shower running, and assumes it is Brandon showering with the door open. She comes into the bathroom to chastise him for causing the room to heat up, and Dylan slides the shower curtain open. It’s like a sauna in here. Dylan starts talking to Brenda about her movie choices and tells her that Animal Crackers is playing at the theatre. When he finds out her plans were canceled he invites her to go with. At least I think that’s what happened. He’s just standing there with a towel wrapped around his waist, so it’s hard for me to focus.

At the theatre, we discover that Dylan is determined to get good use out of his plaid pajama pants. An older woman with big hair and a bustier approaches him to say hello, and when she walks away, he remarks that he would have introduced her to Brandon and Brenda, but he can’t remember her name. After the movie, they head to Dylan’s house to listen to music. Dylan says that his dad has closed out the suite at the Bel Age Hotel, and it’s a “long story.”

The following school day, Brenda talks to Kelly about her night with Dylan, and insists it was just a friend thing. Yeah, your brother was there. It would be weird any other way. Brenda asks Kelly to get her out of health class before the sex ed section, and she tells her she has to have it to graduate. Steve and Brenda are in class together, and are joined by David and Scott, who is uncomfortable with the fact that he’s going to be talking about sex in front of girls. Of course, he’s got his hat on. He’s got to have an IEP for that.

Back at Casa Walsh, Brandon is laying on the couch in his robe, revving up his mouth for a sneeze, so we know he is sick. Brenda wishes him well, and Brandon says that Brenda can be the nurse, and Dylan the orderly. Uh, that is awkward on soooo many levels. She tells Brandon that she is not staying home and letting him get her sick and we hear a honk. As she leaves, Jim gets all Jim about them going out together. Cindy asks him to clarify his problem with Jim, and he says that Dylan’s father is know in financial circles as an unethical bastard. Cindy, the level headed parent, most of the time, asks what that has to do with Dylan. Jim’s reply? The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Then both of your kids are judgemental assholes, Jim?

At the movies, Brenda and Dylan play relationship bingo, and Brenda reveals that she is inexperienced. They decide to skip the movie and instead head back to Dylan’s house, where Dylan’s dad is busy yelling at Paul in a room full of men in suits. He angrily pulls Dylan upstairs, where the two of them scream at each other. Dylan comes back downstairs, his trench coat tailing behind him, and he heads for the liquor cabinet. Brenda, concerned, asks if Dylan drinks. Dylan’s response, “Only at family reunions.” She asks him not to drink since he is driving her home. Dylan storms out, Brenda hot on his tail. She tries to get him to calm down, but he doesn’t, so she asks the valet to get her a taxi. Dylan says “Ixnay on the axita,” and throws a planter to the ground. Brenda takes off running and Dylan chases after her. She tells him that he is scaring her and he apologizes and then breaks down crying. Brenda comforts him, and they start kissing. And now Brenda’s pregnant.

On the ride home, Dylan talks to Brenda about his relationship with his parents. He then asks her not to tell Brandon that he lost his cool. Brenda emphatically says that she won’t and they make out again.

At school, Kelly and Brenda discuss Brenda’s pseudo-date, and Kelly jokes about them having sex. Brenda is offended, so Kelly tells her it is a good thing they are “studying” at her house that night. And then she almost runs into an extra and giggles.

In Health class, Scott and his hat tell David that his mom will not sign the consent form for sex ed, and she sounds like the absolute worst. Although the woman with 6 kids probably knows more about sex education than a high school health teacher. Let’s be real though, I took that class and natural family planning helps create 6 kids.

Brandon catches Dylan in the hall, in a different pair of pajama pants. Is he going to Wal-Mart? What’s with all these pants? I guess WalMart is your back to surfing headquarters? Brenda also catches up with them, and plants a kiss on Dylan’s cheek and he wraps his arm around her. Brandon’s like, “i’m SORRY, what is happening here?” Brenda asks if it’s ok, and I’m assuming that she’s talking about her and Dylan snuggling up and he begrudgingly agrees. Then run off, holding hands, and laughing.

That night, at dinner, Brenda reveals that she is going on a date with Dylan on Friday night, and Jim says he doesn’t want her dating him. Because that always works. Brandon sits quietly by while Jim trashes his friend. Brenda tells Jim that she’ll go out with Kelly on Friday night instead. Wink. Wink. Cindy is obviously frustrated and tells Jim that she likes Dylan, leaving Brandon and Jim to sit in self-righteous silence.

Cindy heads upstairs, and a conversation about the sex ed permission slip leads to a discussion about actual sex. Brenda tells her mom that her class doesn’t cover the emotional component of wanting to have sex with someone. Brenda, again, you’ve had one date. Slow it down turbo. I’m seeing a pattern. One pseudo date, Brenda’s in love. Cindy talks to her about having a meaningful connection with someone. Like I said, level-headed parent.

At Kelly’s, Brenda reveals that it’s going so fast, and that she prefers the romantic parts of a relationship. Kelly says, “Great, do you have protection?” Of course, Kelly does.

At lunch the next day, Dylan and Brenda are frolicking under a tree, and Brandon pretends he knows other people, all while staring awkwardly at them. Then, Steve and Brenda are back in health class and the teacher announces they have a guest speaker for the sex education portion named Stacy Sloan. Scott still hasn’t convinced his mom to sign his permission slip.

Brandon catches Dylan storming down the hall way and confronts him about his relationship with Brenda. He wants to make sure that Dylan isn’t planning on treating this as a casual relationship, because that’s not what Brenda is about. Dylan asks him what kind of guy he thinks Dylan is before leaving.

We are treated to a montage of Kelly and Donna helping Brenda get ready for her date. Apparently, they initially think she is an 80 year old attending the Oscars, before finally choosing the final outfit. They head out the door, stopping to give Jim and Cindy a kiss.

Brenda waits outside the theatre, but Dylan never shows. The next day, she stares out her bedroom window, crying. Brandon asks her if she wants to talk. She reveals that she was ready to spend the night with him and he didn’t show up. “What a jerk,” she says. Brandon replies, “He can be.” But she is talking about herself, assuming that she is special enough for someone like Dylan. Brandon tells her she is special, but Dylan doesn’t let people in.

Brandon confronts Dylan in tech class, telling him he knows that he moved and didn’t leave a forwarding address. He also tells him that Brenda stayed home because she was so upset. Seriously, is there no teacher in this tech class? They just yell back and forth, and the only people concerned about it is some student who looks as though he’s 40. Probably Andrea’s younger brother.

Steve meets the health teacher in the parking lot, the hood raised on his car, twisting knobs. I don’t know a ton about cars, but I’m pretty sure that’s not fixing anything. Steve volunteers to pick the guest speaker up from the airport. She happens to be an attractive young woman, so Steve tells her that she is the teacher and asks her out. She turns him down, telling him she’s tired. He kisses her hand and leaves.

Brenda is at home, sitting on the couch, fully dressed. And when I say fully dressed, I mean button up shirt and denim shorts with makeup on. This girl doesn’t play hooky in her sweats and a T-shirt. Dylan shows up and apologizes. He reveals that he missed their date because he was helping his father leave the country. He discovered he’s going to be indicted on securities fraud. And Dylan has just admitted to aiding and abetting, I’m pretty sure. Dylan tells her he doesn’t want Brenda to feel terrible, and she asks him what he wants her to feel for him. He stares at her mouth, and I’m pregnant again. They start kissing, I’m assuming so Dylan doesn’t have to answer that question. He leans back and says, “You are so warm.” Yeah, she stayed home sick from school. She’s probably feverish. Also, where is Cindy? Is this conveniently one of the days she volunteers at the recycling plant?

Dylan and Brenda are doing some heavy petting on the couch when a door slams. It’s Jim Walsh, who all of a sudden never works late. Dylan rushes out just as Jim enters, and Jim yells at Brenda about their relationship. Mr. McKay is wanted by the police and Jim thinks that’s a reflection of Dylan’s character. Brenda says, “Is it really my character you’re worried about. Why is it, when it came to Brandin, you just wanted to make sure he used protection and you’re worried about my whole value system.” To be fair, Brandon slept with a teenage runaway.  Jim says, “Its different for girls, it just is.” Super enlightened Jim. Brenda tells him that she’d like to get to actually know Dylan and if and when they decide to sleep together, Jim’s got to trust that she will make the right choice. During this argument, I grabbed my Pom poms and quietly cheered, “Go Brenda.” Both 14 year old and 43 year old me.

 The next day, West Beverly Hills High has a special assembly, and David tries to convince Scott to sneak in, while Dylan apologizes to Brandon. He’s wearing a shirt with a glove on it, and I like to tell myself it’s because he’s super concerned about the environment. It was probably just on sale. Brandon admits that Dylan’s relationship with Brenda bothered him more than he thought, but they both have good hair, so they can’t stay angry for long.

The speaker, Stacy, points Steve out to his teacher, who is surprisingly not angry by Steve’s deception. Andrea, of course, introduces the guest speaker. Stacy tells the audience about Steve coming on to her, and that she turned him down because she has AIDS. Steve is all, “Wwwhhhhaaaaattttt?” as is everyone else in the student body. She talks about her experience, both contracting it through heterosexual intercourse with someone she thought she was in love with, as well as her experience with the symptoms. She reaffirms the importance of using protection every time, and the student body silently files out. Steve approaches her and tells her that the offer to have dinner still stands, and then embraces her. One quick decision helps humanize Steve’s character, as well as show the impressionable viewing audience to not be scared of those living with AIDS.

Later that night, Dylan comes to pick Brenda up, and he and Jim talk about his lack of a relationship with his father. Dylan tells Jim that Brandon and Brenda are lucky to have such great parents and Jim contemplates what an asshole he’s been. His redemption doesn’t last long.

Brenda strikes up a conversation about Dylan’s previous sexual encounters, asking if he’s ever had unprotected sex. He says he has and asks if Brenda wants him to get tested. And I’m pretty sure I hear the first few chords of “She’s Like the Wind” from Dirty Dancing. Brenda then tells Dylan she needs to slow down, and he agrees. 

Season 1, Episode 10: The Gentle Art Of Listening

This week, we are watching season one, episode 10: The Gentle Art of Listening. Trigger Warning: This post will talk about dramatized versions of rape. Please be warned.

This episode begins at West Beverly Hills High, where everyone is gathered in the quad watching the cheerleaders perform. I am very concerned, because they are doing basket tosses and a lot of other aerial stunts, and they’ve only got grass underneath them. I don’t believe that’s regulation, West Beverly. Brandon is taking in the “scenery“ while wearing a blue beret, and it really should be recognized because it is horrendous. Is he French? Did he take up art? Why is he all of a sudden into hats, and this one in particular? He and his beret spot a brunette cheerleader who is dancing off to the side, and it’s Wanda from Doogie Howser. She spots him staring, and smiles, and then claps off beat.

Brandon’s beret has attracted the attention of another young lady, And he seems extremely unhappy about her prying eyes. Doesn’t feel good to be ogled, does it Brandon? Maybe that’s the real reason that he is wearing the beret; to detract young women. Meanwhile, David has been appointed the new voice of West Beverly and place is a call to the superintendent of schools over the loudspeaker. He wants to remind him that it is the beginning of grudge week against Beverly high. Scott, RIP, picks up the telephone while speaking into the Microphone, causing feedback, because of course he does. Brenda walks through the quad, smiling at the cheerleaders, and I’m happy to report that her bangs are finally grown in. She is soon joined by Kelly, who is also wearing a questionable hat. Has she joined a scat band? Donna is also there, showing off some pretty toned abs. They tell Brenda that it’s time to leave and she wants to know where their school spirit is. Kelly retorts that she lost it in the seventh grade and Donna says, “That’s not all she lost in the seventh grade.” Like we said earlier, Donna has got some really good one-liners this season.

Brandan meets up with Steve and Dylan in the quad and they are both participating in garage week events. Brandan tells Dylan that he didn’t think this would be his kind of thing. Dylan says that the freshman girls tend to get into the “spirit“ and try to Pick up the older classmates. Then they both mock Brandon, not because of his hat, but because of a the young girl still staring uncomfortably at him.

Back at home, Brandan is getting no sympathy from Cindy. She thinks it’s adorable that this young girl has a crush on him. Brenda enter the house, sounding like Ross saying hi in the first season of friends. Jim is out of town again, so Brandan says he will go upstairs and check in on Brenda. Brenda, it turns out, is upset because she’s tired of shopping every day. She says that when they moved her there, she thought maybe she would try out for cheerleader. But the cheerleaders are in an obnoxious little clique. I don’t know Brenda, a girl who gets so tired of shopping that she comes home and goes straight to bed seems like just the personality type they want on the cheerleading squad. Brandan suggest that if she wants to do something meaningful, she can help Andrea on the “rap line,” where they field anonymous calls seeking advice. Brenda, of course, turns up her nose at Andrea, even though 2 weeks ago, they were all best friends after the fashion show. 

Brenda approaches Andrea at school, wearing what I can only referred to as questionable choices in pants, and asked about the rap line. Andrea seems surprised that it something Brenda would be interested in, and focuses on the commitment it takes to dissuade her from moving forward. Maybe she figured anyone who chose those pants has no right to give advice to other people. But Brenda will not be dissuaded and shows up that night to start her training. Andrea field a phone call from Kelly asking to speak with Brenda and already questions her dedication.

Brandon is working his shift at the peach pit, apparently alone, when some questionable noises filter out of the back room. Let’s just say they sounded similar to what I would hear coming from the adult movie room at the video store I worked at in high school. NAT is in back receiving acupressure from some woman with a surprisingly thick bowl cut. Brandon is, of course, instantly attracted to the flirty blonde who offers him a private session.

10 o’clock rolls around, and the wrap line closes for the night. Andrea, yet again, makes a comment to Brenda about the commitment the rap line requires. Brenda tells her that she thinks that she can meet that commitment. To be honest, Andrea is being a royal bitch about the whole thing, but I’m with her on this. Andrea boards the shuttle bus, and I’m wondering, is she going to a hotel? What company offers “shuttle” buses at 10pm on a school night to the valley? Kelly, of course, is late, and everyone thought it was suitable to leave a 16 year old in a dark parking lot in LA at 10pm alone. Brenda bangs on the door, and a janitor lets her in. She calls Kelly from one of the rap line phones and Kelly picks up, “I’m leaving right now.” She is on the phone with Donna because Felice is “freaking out” because Donna says she wants a nose job….be careful what you wish for Donna. Kelly tells her she will call her right back, so when the phone rings, Brenda answers. The voice on the other line is not Kelly’s, and she asks if there is anyone there she can talk to. Brenda, breaking protocol, says she can talk to her. Brenda introduces herself, and the girl on the other line says she would prefer not to give her name and Brenda agrees. She says she will just listen. The girl starts by saying that she is actually ok. The girl continues that she likes a boy and she thinks he likes her, but she asks Brenda, “When you’re really making it, and you tell him to stop and he doesn’t. Does that mean it’s my fault?” Brenda immediately says, “No.” That is the right answer Brenda. But then she back tracks and says, “At least I don’t think so.” The girl then asks, “I guess what I need to know is, how do you know when you’ve been raped?”  At this point, the original airing cut to a commercial, so we don’t know how Brenda answered the question, but the answer should have gone something like this, “If you didn’t give consent, or weren’t in the position to give consent, it’s rape. And it doesn’t matter if you like him, or if you were kissing him, or you’ve slept with him before. It doesn’t matter what you were wearing, or how much you had to drink. It doesn’t matter if you’re not a virgin, or what your religion or political beliefs are.  It doesn’t matter if he spent money on you, or even if you said ok to begin with, the minute you withdraw your consent, the minute you tell him no, it is rape.”

Wow, sorry to let it get dark. When the original airing came back from commercial, it shows Kelly rushing in, asking Brenda to forgive her for being late. Brenda is seated at the rap table in the dark. She tells Kelly about what happened, and explains that she shouldn’t have agreed to talk to the girl once she realized that it wasn’t Kelly calling back. Brenda then says she felt like she recognized the girl’s voice, but she didn’t know from where.

Back at Casa Walsh, Brenda encounters Cindy, who is sorting their garbage. She tells Brenda that she was inspired by her altruism and is going to start volunteering at the recycling center 2 days a week. Thank God. Now maybe she can stop whining about everything or making poor Anna play the role of therapist.

The next day at school, David is announcing the football team on the quad. Is this supposed to be a pep assembly? Why are they not in the gym? Why are there no faculty present? Why are there only 30 people at this school? If this isn’t a pep assembly, why are all these people listening to David talk about anything? A football player then announces that although they lost the spirit week even to Beverly High the night before, they would win the rest of the week. The crowd hollered, except for one guy, who looked trepadacious. Brandon and Steve are in the middle of the crowd discussing Brandon’s massage with Nina. Steve tells Brandon that Nina was hitting on him, and he missed out on the opportunity by allowing her to leave after the massage. Oh God, Steve. If only you could hear yourself in context of the rest of the episode…..Brandon tells Steve that Nina is well traveled, and she’s OLD. She’s like, 23, or something. Thanks for that Brandon, right to my old heart. Steve walks away, and Brandon notices the girl staring at him again.

Brenda seeks out Andrea to talk to her about the phone call, but Andrea is too involved in her own self- righteousness, that she won’t let Brenda talk. She instead tells her that she shouldn’t feel bad about quitting, so Brenda leaves. At this very moment, I’m not sure which one of the two of them I like the least. Very close.

Brandon is visited by Nina at work, who tells him that she has just been in a sensory deprivation tank. She uses words like naked, and private and primal, all while pulling on her necklace that touches the top of her cleavage. I remember most of the 90’s, but was a bowl cut in fashion then? I know she is supposed to be a sensual being, but I can’t get past that hair. Brandon asks Nat about Nina, and Nat says that while she worked at The Peach Pit, she was a wild child. Brandon says, “When she looks at me, she gets this twinkle in her eye.” Nat tells her she does that with everyone. Yeah, Brandon, keep it in your pants.

The rap line is open for the night, and Andrea is shocked when Brenda comes back. Where’s all that self-righteousness now, Chief? Brenda asks how you get a caller to trust you when they won’t give you their name and the advisor says that you’ve got to keep prodding and listening until they come around. Um, I’m no rap line advisor, but is prodding really what you should be doing when you’re trying to get someone to trust you?

Back at the Peach Pit, Nina is talking to Brandon about an herbal wrap, and all I hear is every pitch every MLM mom has thrown my direction, but Brandon is enthralled. When she tells him it’s hard for her to find subjects willing to let her practice her “technique,” he jumps. Hey Brandon, it’s a fantastic opportunity. It only takes a one time investment of $100,000 to get started….

The rap line has closed for the night, and everyone is headed out of the center when the phone rings. Andrea agrees to answer it. It is the caller from the previous night, and she asks to talk to Brenda. The advisor agrees to let her on the phone, and agrees to sit with her and help her if she gets in trouble. The girl tells Brenda that she was raped again. She says that everyone was partying because they won a school event. Brenda asks if she’s talking about grudge week, and then wants to know if she goes to Beverly or West Beverly. The girl says that she can’t talk anymore and hangs up. Way to go Brenda, you nosy bitch.

The next morning, Andrea stops to ask Brenda how she is doing. She tells Brenda that she handled herself like a pro on the call. Oh really? Normally, you barrage the caller with questions about what school they go to? Brenda tells her that she has been listening to people all day, seeing if she hears the voice anywhere. She talks to Andrea about grudge week, which Andrea has no regard for. Brenda makes a comment about her having such contempt for school events when she is the editor of the school newspaper. For once Brenda, I must agree. She can totally hate what is going on, but she should at least know about it.

The girl with the staring problem’s name is Lucy apparently, and Scott has a crush on her, but she runs as soon as he approaches. Maybe he should have done that in his imagination too.

Dylan is walking down the hall, being all handsome, and Brandon chases him down to “pick his brain.” Dylan asks if he’s going to join him in surfing again, and Brandon says he can’t because he’s on the verge of making it with an older lady. Hey Brandon, you know what assuming does, right? Brandon asks the well seasoned Dylan if, because she’s older, she’s going to expect Brandon to stay the night after they do it. Is that just an “older” woman thing, or maybe just an emotional connection thing? I don’t know. I never needed an emotional connection after, and I liked my bed better.

Brandon has plans to try the herbal wrap with Nina, so he lies to Cindy, yet again, so that he can presumably stay the night. Again, he’s the protagonist? Brenda is in a hurry to get to the rap line, so she tells Brandon that she doesn’t really care about his sexual conquests….and because she is his sister and that’s weird. He inquires to how its going and Brenda tells him that she’s got a really intense case she’s working on, but can’t tell him any more than that. He tells her multiple times that he won’t tell anyone, so she should tell him. Does no one in Beverly Hills believe in privacy?

Brenda waits anxiously at the rap line, but doesn’t get a call before the lines shut down. After the advisor leaves, Brenda raps on the door to be let back in and pleads with Andrea, explaining it was always after 10 when she called. Andrea decides to help.

Nina meets Brandon at the Peach Pit, in a shirt that seems to be missing a whole piece from the front. Oh wait, there it is. On her head. They head to her place, where, of course, she’s got beads in her doorway. And then Richard is in her doorway. And they are kissing. Richard is pursuing his PhD in holistic medicine and she was the best student he ever had. Sorry Brandon, no making it for you.

Back at the rap line, it’s 10:45 and they haven’t received a phone call, so they decide to leave. Just as they are heading out the door, the phone rings. It’s the caller from the previous nights. She’s angry at Brenda, asking if she’s judging her or getting turned on. Brenda says, “I think he found you again.” And the caller replies, “And this time he brought a friend.” Brenda insists on knowing the caller’s name and she refuses. Brenda tells her not to be afraid, and to stand up to them. Andrea, rightfully, tells her she should not be telling the caller those things and Brenda yells at her. The caller hears her address Andrea and says, “Are you talking about me?” She becomes angry, and wants to know her name. Brenda reveals that it is Andrea, and the caller hangs up. Brenda says, “I know who it is. At least I think I do.”

The next day, Brenda taps on the shoulder of Doogie Howser’s girlfriend, and asks her if she’s Bonnie. Bonnie says yes and asks if she knows Brenda. Brenda introduces herself and Bonnie’s face falls. Bonnie tries to back track and tells Brenda that she may have made it sound worse than it really was. Brenda asks “Which part? The part where he hurt you, or where he brought a friend?” Bonnie, obviously, is very  upset that Brenda has confronted her and made her calls not anonymous.

It’s night, and the doors to the school gym open and everyone files out. West Beverly has won the grudge week event. Steve is with David and Scott. See. Confused. We see two dudes in letterman’s jacket (you know our theory on guys in letterman’s jackets) tell Steve that they aren’t going to be doing anything special and then look at each other knowingly. Our theory is correct.

Bonnie is waiting for a friend in the hall, who then deserts her for some rando guys. Bonnie is visibly anxious about walking to her car alone. As she is putting the keys in the door, a flashlight shines on her. “Hey Bonnie, you need a ride?” It’s the letterman from earlier. They tell her they won, and they’ve got to celebrate. They tell her they like her and want her, and she cries “Please.” Just as he puts his hand over her mouth and pushes her against the car, the police come out, guns drawn and tell them to freeze.

Brenda, Andrea, and Brandon are across the parking lot, watching the events transpire. Brenda says she wants to be alone. Brandon asks Andrea how Brenda knew it would happen. Bonnie was getting raped after each grudge night event, and Brenda had informed the advisor.

The next day, Lucy is caught staring at Brandon again, so he walks up to her and introduces himself. This makes Lucy so happy that she says hi to Scott. RIP Scott.

Every 92 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. Every 9 minutes, that victim is a child. Meanwhile, only 5 out of every 1000 perpetrators will end up in prison. If you have been assaulted, please know it is not your fault.

Season 1; Episode 9: The 17 Year Itch

This episode starts off with Cindy, removing her wedding rings while looking in the mirror. Jim is sitting in the chair next to the dresser, taking off his shoes, talking about the popularity of the restaurant they had eaten dinner at. Cindy complains about the wait time, and Jim retorts that they are lucky they got in at all. She sighs deeply and touches their very obviously photoshopped wedding photos. “It’s our first anniversary away from home in 17 years,” Cindy laments. Jim, already in his pajamas, I mean he was in a suit, and he was just taking off his dress shoes like 30 seconds ago. Apparently, he is the Chandler Bing of getting undressed, and reminds Cindy that they are home. 

Cindy asks Jim if he has to work on their anniversary, as he’s shuffling through papers. “The IRS doesn’t know it’s our anniversary.” Uh yeah they do Jim, they know everything. Cindy walks away, and you can hear a “clack clack” as if she’s wearing heels. Nobody is trying that hard at 17 years Cindy. Jim states that they can take an exemption. Cindy is trying to reminisce about previous anniversaries and Jim is quickly taking off his pajamas….that he just put on. Cindy says, “Remember on our first anniversary? We ate dinner in bed.” Jim replies, “I’m hungry.” as he bites her on the neck. Well, now I’m not, Jim, so thanks for that. 

Jim tries to get frisky, and Cindy stops him, telling him that she wants to talk first. I mean, it’s your anniversary, you’re wearing heels with your lingerie. You can see why he’d be confused. She says she wants to feel intimacy first and Jim’s all “For fucks sake, talk then.” When she doesn’t, he says he’s got another hour of work to do, but he will go downstairs so he’s not disturbing her. Cindy looks to the side, so we know she’s thinking about things.

The next morning, Brenda and Brandon talk about the tension between their parents at breakfast. Brenda, wearing a blazer, felt it while Brandon did not. Brandon says, “They’re married, they’re supposed to be crabby.” Uh, did you read that in Good Housekeeping, Brandon? And it’s kids that make you crabby, not marriage. So it’s your fault Brandon, your fault!

On the lawn of West Beverly, kids are doing synchronized dances, while the super annoying school DJ spews some rhyme about how he is leaving. He never specifies, but I’m guessing his dumb ass got fired for telling everyone’s business on air. He announces that they will be looking for another student to fill his position, and David mulls it over with Scott. Steve hears them and says that David would competing against him, because, as we’ve established has a very dry wit.

Brandon’s journalism teacher is talking to the twins about doing a twin study for a “professor friend” of hers. Brenda is excited, while Brandon is not. He doesn’t want to be a guinea pig, until the teacher says that they get money and time away from school. 

Cindy, and the housecleaner who we haven’t seen in 5 episodes, are at a nursery looking at plants. Meanwhile, someone seems to be photographing Cindy from afar. What is it with this show and voyeurs? It’s creepy, regardless of who is doing it. This particular voyeur is wearing a cargo vest, so he must be a professional photographer. Glasses = smart; brown bag = alcohol; pencil tucked behind ear = writer; and now cargo vest = photographer. Just wanted to catch up on the fashion tropes. Ana catches him and alerts Cindy, and she starts to leave, when the photographer yells for her to wait. As she sees his face, we see immediate recognition. He verifies that she is Cindy, and she says “Glen?” She then introduces Anna as her “assistant” and I’m not sure what is more pretentious; assistant or housekeeper. 

Anna, clearly uncomfortable with their level of comfort, scurries off while they reminisce. He lives in LA permanently, after an illustrious career with National Geographic. Cindy clips all his photos. If they are friends, it is great that she is supportive. If they were more than friends, it’s not a good look. I mean, I don’t clip my exes mugshots.

Glen joins the Walshes for dinner, where they discuss all the places Glen’s traveled to. Brenda and Brandon discover that Glen introduced Jim and Cindy, as Jim worked on a magazine with Glen. He says introducing them was the biggest mistake of his life. Jim, wearing a serious sweater vest, does not find this statement amusing. A body language expert would have a field day with the seating arrangement. Cindy is on the couch, her legs turned towards Glen, seated next to her. Jim is sitting in a chair, the twins at his feet. He decides that he would rather get some work done than watch his wife eyehump her ex, and the twins head off to bed. Glen tells them he’d love to shoot them, and I’m assuming he means with a camera, but it’s hard to tell. They are awful. Also, Cindy tells Glen that Brenda and Brandon are like an old married couple. God, writers, make it more obvious that they are Luke and Leiaing it. 

As they head upstairs, Brenda tells Brandon that she thinks Glen has the hots for Cindy. And Brandon scoffs. Chill, Brandon, you have like half her genetics. Glen tells Cindy that he has just ended a long term relationship, and Cindy says his ex is missing out. Totally cool things for a married woman to say to another man. Jim wakes up and discovers his bed empty, so he heads downstairs where he watches Cindy and Glen eye humping each other again.

The next day, Brenda and Brandon are on a college campus, talking about their trajectories. Brandon is wearing the blazer this time, while Brenda is wearing all black, including a button up shirt, buttoned all the way to the top. They start discussing the possibility of meeting your soul mate at college and Brandon makes sure to bring up that their parents met at college. Not really proving your point Brandon.

Meanwhile, Cindy is touring the city in Glen’s convertible. Now, she loves LA. They head back to his studio, and we get a chance to see the outfit Cindy chose to wear to go sight seeing. She has on a green satin dress with a silk paisley scarf tied around her shoulders. A far cry from her normal uniform of khakis and a button up shirt, which by the way, is still pretty dressed up for someone who stays at home. She critiques a photo, and he tells her that he likes the way she always tells him what she’s thinking. Cindy replies, “What are you thinking?” He tells her that she and Jim are like night and day and that he is harder to read than ever. She replies, “You know what they say about opposites.” Glen says, “We attract.” And they both stare at each other’s mouths. Real normal, chill things.

Brenda and Brandon are paired up with a set of identical twins, who Brenda refers to as the “teenage mutant twins.” Suddenly, Mrs. Teasley enters the room, but she keeps referring to herself as Harriet Strathmore. Wth, 90210? That’s Mrs. Teasley. Stop screwing with us. They test the twins’ ESP, and Brandon isn’t able to guess the card that Brenda is holding, but the other set is. Brenda is pissed. It’s not a standardized test. I’m pretty sure you get paid either way. 

Cindy and Glen continuing touring the city and take a trip to the bridge in Venice over the canals. I recognized it from the movie “Valentine’s Day,” (yes, I actually saw that) and even I know it’s a romantic location. While there, they reminisce about their short lived relationship and Cindy’s current life keeps getting mention, causing her to look either guilty or wistful…..or constipated. It’s hard to tell. She says she has to leave, and Glen says she can only leave if she agrees to go to his show that night……Problematic? Uh, yeah. She quickly agrees though, and then looks to the side, you know, thinking over her decision. 

Cindy tries to talk about her day with Jim, who isn’t particularly receptive. He says that Glen gets to be creative and go sightseeing because he isn’t supporting a family in Beverly Hills. Jim, I think he’d like to, so you should be careful.

The next morning, David is practicing his super……..something……rap that he plans on using to try out for the radio station DJ gig. It is sooooo……something…..that I’ve got to share it here:

​“Yo West Beverly, 

​My name is Dave.

​I’m going to give you 

​All the songs you crave.

​All the babes are 

​Gonna be my slave.

​And all from a guy

​Who doesn’t even shave.”

As he’s rapping, people walking by stop to listen, so I’m like, how loud is he singing right now. He’s presumably having a conversation with Scott. Shhhhhhhhh Dave, don’t spoil the surprise. And then the people realize how……..something…..his prose are, and they groan. And not just the 5 people standing by. It sounds like people on other floors are joining in. 

Brenda invites Kelly to Glen’s art show and expresses her concern about the growing attraction between Cindy and Glen. She says, “I think he’s trying to have an affair with her. As I listen, I can’t help but think, “Uh, what? Trying to have an affair? Is that the order those words normally go in?”

Before the art show, Cindy is fussing over her appearance in front of the mirror, and Brenda starts probing. Cindy acts very nonchalantly about her relationship with Glen, and Brandon interrupts with the realization that Brenda excelled in quantitative analysis in the twin test they took. I mean, she had to get that black hole thing from somewhere. Jim calls to let Cindy know that he’s stuck at work, of course. Cindy’s like, “Called it.” For some reason, Jim’s office is very dimly lit. I’m thinking that light and seeing are both important to reading and crunching numbers, but what do I know? I know that Jim’s co-worker isn’t actually touching any of the buttons on his 10 keymachine, maybe that’s why there are all those light nights.

Cindy stands alone at the art gallery, her Laura Ingalls looking dress contrasting with all the black that everyone else is wearing. Brenda, Kelly, Donna, and Brandon muse about how Cindy stands out, and Donna says, “Here, standing out is fitting in.” Brandon interrupts her thought to sarcastically ask Brenda to quantitatively analyze a painting. Donna shoots Brandon a look that screams, “WTAF Bro?” and seriously Bro, let it go. Girls can know about math and stuff. Glen asks Cindy to join him outside and Brenda is her normal judgey self. And that’s coming from me. Outside, Glena and Cindy start talking about glasses, and I’m pretty sure they’re not actually talking about glasses. I’m also not sure how glasses become a metaphor for dating and cheating, but here we are. Glen tells Cindy that she is the on that got away and they kiss. Ya done f’ed up Cindy. 

Back at Casa Walsh, Brenda asks Kelly what it’s like to have divorced parents and Kelly tells her how brutal it is. I’m sure it’s nothing that some therapy or binge eating won’t help you deal with. We couldn’t afford therapy when my parents got divorced. Jim comes home and heads upstairs to go to bed. Cindy, standing on the balcony, listening to some moody music, want to talk. This starts an argument between the two. My argument? Jim, why are you wearing a button up pajama top if you’re just going to leave it unbuttoned? And Cindy, were banana clips still a thing in 1990?

The next day, Brandon and Brenda aren’t doing any better at their twin study. Brandon thinks it’s normal for adults to fight and that they should let their parents work their problems out on their own. Brenda wants to get involved, so she can make their issues all about her. 

Cindy avoids Glen’s calls. She probably should have avoided his lips. And then we wouldn’t have had to put up with the twin’s plot to help rekindle the romance between their parents.

They prepare a candlelight dinner and destroy the kitchen in the meantime. I’m guessing they didn’t actually clean that up. And seriously, it was like unrealistically messy. I’m going to need to have a talk with the set decorator. Do better, set decorator, do better. Cindy remarks to Jim that it is weird that they cannot even seem to talk to each other, and Jim immediately counters about their lack of a sex life. Maybe it’s your pajamas, Jim. But here Cindy is, trying to discuss their floundering marriage and all Jim is worried about is not getting his rocks off. And I should care, but this is so boring. I’m married. I know how this conversation goes. Let’s get into the love lives of rich, gorgeous 16 year olds. That, I don’t know about. Sigh, I can’t wait for this episode to be over.

Jim and Cindy end up arguing before the food even comes to the table, and Jim storms off to work. Cindy, of course, uses it as an opportunity to drape another silk scarf across her shoulder and head to Glen’s studio apartment. She tells him she doesn’t want whatever stupid thing it is that they have and he tells her that they are already having a mental affair, which is far “more dangerous.” Barf. I’ll check with my husband on that one. Husband, would you prefer that I have deep conversations with another man or that I sleep with him? Sleep with him? No. That’s what I thought. Glen still tries to convince Cindy to sleep with him, and she runs off. And so does my appetite and will to live.

The twins see her running from the scene of the disgusting, yet boring crime, and they are certain that Cindy is having an affair. The next morning, it’s Jim who is reminiscing, while Brandon and Brenda give Cindy the serious cold shoulder. Before Jim leaves for work, he tells Cindy that he “really, really” loves her. She sobs at the kitchen table. Ah, Tuesdays.

Jim stops off at Glen’s loft before work and they argue back and forth using multiple, ineffective metaphors before Jim finally out right threatens Glen to leave his family alone.

At school, Donna has an equally…..something…..rap to try out for the radio station. Is rhyming the only qualification for this job? Why are they all rapping? Don’t most radio DJ’s introduce music….like talking, not whatever is happening here. Steve bursts in and manages to freeze up on the mic. David busts in to “help” and I’m once again appalled. 

Glen stops by Casa Walsh to bring Cindy her photos. She tells him that she really likes him, but she loves her husband. Glen, of course, is headed out of town in his oversized boxy blazer. It reminds me of my break up with my sixth grade boyfriend. Except he didn’t wear blazers.

Jim comes home from work, early, and whisks Cindy off on their third attempt at an anniversary date. She tries to tell him about her indiscretion with Glen and Jim stops her, asking if she loves him. She says yes, and he states that that is all he wants to know. Exactly like real life marriage. 

You’re welcome.

Writers of 90210, please don’t make me try to care about the trials and tribulations in these adults’ lives. I don’t. Even now, as an adult, I don’t. This was insufferable. And there was no Dylan. Why even bother?

Season 1, Episode 8: The Perfect Mom

This week, I am covering season one, episode eight: Perfect Mom. Finally, an episode about me.

There is an announcement on the West Beverly radio station about an upcoming mother/daughter charity fashion show. The problematic DJ says that there will be rubber bikinis for the ladies and spacious evening gowns for those big boned gals. God for bid those big boned ladies wear bikinis or not completely cover themselves up!

Andrea sarcastically asks the news room full of men who wants to cover the fashion show, stating she’d prefer a first person account, again, to this room full of men. Brandon nominates her, because he’s kind of an ass and Andrea says her viewpoint is a little slanted. Brandon presses on, stating that as journalist, she should be able to be impartial. Which they should, but Andrea is not happy. And it still makes a Brandon an ass. She asks to speak to him in her office, which is the hallway. This is better than my office, which is the bathroom. She tells Brandon it’s one thing for her to lie to the school, it’s something else for her mom to have to do it to participate in a school sponsored fashion show. Brandon says she can ask his mom, because he thinks Andrea could really stand to “loosen up.” Considering that I’m sure his mom still makes his lunch, he sure likes to tell people how to live their lives. And never tell a woman to loosen up. You are the reason we are so anxious and uptight! 

Scott, his Lakers hat, and David are discussing the fashion show and the possibility of seeing Kelly and her “great body.“ Gross. David then hoists his video camera up on his shoulder and we see Kelly through his lens, surrounded by a group of girls, pawing through what I’m assuming are some of the donated items. Where is she storing these clothes during class, like in her locker? How big are the lockers at WBHS? The girls walk away with them, and all I can think is what a horrible process. I have never participated in a mother/daughter fashion show, but surely trusting a bunch of teenage girls to not only take care of expensive clothing, but remember to bring it with might be a ill-advised. Kelly tells Brenda these are the second string outfits, she’s got their outfits at her house.

David tell Scott that he plans on recording the fashion show from behind the scenes and that Kelly will “get off on it.“ I have nothing funny to add to this because this is also gross.

Bigger budget Jackie Taylor is hanging by the pool in a fringe bikini and a pretty muscular physique, explaining to her friend Nina that she is so happy and fulfilled. She has a new man in her life who delivers in all departments. Again, gross. And why does she need a man to be fulfilled? Doesn’t she know about pizza? Kelly and Brenda show up and both women fawn over how gorgeous they think both of the girls are. Jackie tells Brenda that Midwestern girls do really well in LA, as she is from Ohio and modeled in New York before moving to LA. At 43, have I missed my opportunity to “do well” in LA.

Jackie is later seen preparing for a date, wearing a leather miniskirt and bustiers and Kelly tells her it is a little much. I think she looks amazing, but I’m a little much. Jackie tells her she is critical just like her absentee father. I didn’t know we would get into the nature/nurture debate on the show, but here we are. Kelly asks Jackie if she’s been drinking, she has, and Kelly’s disgusted with me Nina for allowing it. Kind of pointing the finger in the wrong direction Kel.

That’s not water, Kelly

Meanwhile, at the Walsh house, Brenda tells Cindy that she’s going to have microwave popcorn for dinner because that’s what Kelly is eating. Cindy asks if Kelly‘s mom cooks for her and Brenda said she doubts it. Cindy is appalled. She tells Brenda that she remembers being 16, and Brenda is the beneficiary of her experience and she will eat her chicken Diablo and shut her mouth. First off, way to mom shame, Cindy. Cooking dinner for your 16-year-old does not define your parenting ability. Second, what is chicken Diablo? The devils chicken? I’d probably eat popcorn too.

Popcorn sounds good, thanks.

Jackie comes storming in to what appears to be the next morning, hair a mess, makeup smeared, and missing an earring, so we know SHIT. WENT. DOWN. She tells Kelly her boyfriend broke up with her and rattles off a list of people she needs Kelly tor each out to before yelling at her for dumping out a bottle of vodka. “I thought you stopped,” Kelly says. Jackie tells her that she is a grown ass woman and won’t be bossed around by her 16 year old.  Kelly asks her to call her sponsor (aren’t we a tiny bit past that point?) and tells her to rest up for the charity luncheon TOMORROW. Resting for a whole damn day sounds AMAZING. Maybe I’ll take up alcoholism because I normally have to have majorly surgery for that to happen. And before anyone gets angry about me joking about alcoholism, I am the child of an alcoholic. I get a pass. 

Damn, I just made it dark in here.

Back at Casa Walsh, Cindy chastises Brenda for her outfit of choice (I have never been a fan of torn jeans either) and Brenda brings up Jackie again. The disdain drips from Cindy’s voice, and Brenda rightfully asks her why she’s so judgmental, before rejecting Cindy’s muffin (the nerve) and storming off to school.

David stalks Kelly with his video camera and says he wants to smell her hair. I’m pretty sure I saw the movie about this. It usually ends in a police station. 

Andrea asks Brandon if she can still borrow his mom, and he agrees, inviting her over for dinner. Andrea, a an actual respectful human, asks if she’s imposing, and super respectful Brandon says that his mom loves the burden of having to cook for additional teenagers who are not related to her.

Kelly offers to give to give Brenda a ride home and asks if they can hang out at the Walsh house because her mom is getting on her nerves. Brenda starts carrying on about how lucky Kelly is to have sucky cool Mom, and Kelly tells her she’s got problems that Brenda has no idea about and Brenda replies, “So many clothes, so little time?” Instead of actually acknowledging what Kelly is trying to tell her. Brenda is actually a rather horrible friend. I don’t like saying she kind of deserves what is coming to her, but she does.

Kelly, I’m sorry if you’ve got problems. Let’s talk about me.

Kelly is helping in the kitchen in the most critical way possible, telling Cindy what kind of oregano to use and making faces at the anchovies (but seriously, anchovies) Cindy obviously finds this annoying af. Almost as annoying as when Brandon asks if Andrea can join Cindy and Brenda in the mother/daughter fashion show and she realizes that Brenda never invited her. Guys, I’m going to save you some time here. Brenda is horrible. 

Cindy wants to know why she is suddenly so embarrassing (See last week’s mention of the sad perm.) Brenda tells Cindy she was more Beverly Hills in Minnesota than in Beverly Hills and Cindy agrees. She also agrees to participate in the fashion show because God forbid any of the Walsh kids have actual consequences for their action. No wonder your kids suck Cindy. 

Kelly heads home and finds she’s been locked out and her mother is not answering her knocks at the door. She comes in the house through a conspicuously large dog door and we see a golden retriever that we never see again. Kelly finds her mother passed out in bed, fully dressed. She helps her get undressed and we know this is the 90’s because we hear the sound of Velcro. Then Kelly looks off screen, so we know she is deep in thought. 

Kelly has trouble getting Jackie to wake up the next morning, so Jackie decides the best solution is to do a line of coke. She calls it a “pick me up.” I usually get a coffee or put on some glitter eyeshadow when I need a pick me up, but you do you Jackie. Kelly tells Jackie that Jack will cut off her alimony if he catches her using again. So we now know that Jackie is an alcoholic and substance abuser…..and that Kelly is a narc. 

Cut to the  fashion show, where Donna is bossing imposter Felice around. I never really liked the other Felice, but this one’s speech is so affected that I could possibly hate her with the fire of a thousand burning suns. Cindy and Brenda fawn over each other, and then over Andrea, who looks EXACTLY. THE. SAME. except she’s showing shoulder.

No different

David shows up with Scott and his camera, and I don’t know which is creepier. Donna catches him in the dressing room (Hello, Trump) and kicks him out. Jackie and a Kelly show up late, and Jackie heads to the bathroom where Cindy catches her snorting another line. Is that the right lingo? I’m going to have to learn the terminology if I’m going to continue this blog. Everyone eventually has a drug problem in Beverly Hills. 

Brenda wants to introduce Cindy and Jackie, but Cindy hesitates when she realizes who Jackie is. Awkward! The fashion show goes about as well as you’d expect it would, being hosted by a relapsed alcoholic who’s done two lines of coke. She is very snarky, saying things like, “At least look like you’re having fun.” and “Oh my, don’t you look lovely?” It’s like if I hosted a fashion show. Andrea is fairly impressed with herself, and Jim seems to barely recognize her. She took her glasses off, Jim. Let’s all calm down. And they literally picked out the worst outfit possible for Brenda. Her dress is white, which makes her look ghostly pale, and it does absolutely nothing for her figure. Then there’s her clomping down the runway like a horse. Overall, just a hot mess. Kelly, obviously, is mortified by her mother and Brenda’s dress, and runs off stage, with Brenda chasing after her. I’m not even going to address the fact that imposter Felice is named Nancy in this episode, as it seems apropos for the disaster that is this fashion show.

Kelly tells Brenda that she tried to tell her about what was going on with her mom, and Brenda says, “When?” Uh, Brenda, like a couple paragraphs ago, I talked about this very thing. Kelly says that Jackie was supposed to have stopped using a year ago, but clearly hasn’t. She doesn’t want to go back to school, because she knows everyone will talk about her. Brenda tells her that people forget and Kelly says that she doesn’t. And she’s not going to forgive her mother either. Jennie Garth does a particularly great job in this scene and her performance and the writing start establishing Kelly as a multi-dimensional, sympathetic character.

Everyone returns to the Walsh house in Cindy reveals that she had a cousin that was an alcoholic, and she saw her struggle. She also wisely says that people shouldn’t have to be embarrassed to seek treatment, that alcoholism is a disease. Andrea tells Kelly that she thinks Kelly is strong because she never would have guessed that Kelly was dealing with all she was dealing with. Kelly then tells Andrea she never knew she was so pretty. Seriously, guys, she took her glasses off. Can we just acknowledge that now? Also, no one says anything nice to Brenda, because she’s horrible and has bad bangs.

Jackie shows up and Kelly tells her she’s not going home. Jackie apologizes and Kelly says that she needs more than an apology. Jackie tells Kelly that she loves her and Kelly says, “how is that possible when you don’t love yourself?“ Kelly tells Jackie that she wants her to go back to rehab, but Jackie says she’s got it under control, which clearly she doesn’t. Kelly tells her that she’s 16, “she’s in high school, needs someone to care for her, listen to her problems.” Jackie says she is Kelly‘s best friend and Kelly tells her she doesn’t need a best friend, she needs a mother. Jackie storms out and Cindy comforts Kelly, making Brenda realize what an asshole she truly is.

Kelly comes home to discover her mother packing for rehab.

Brenda tells Brandon she feels like such a jerk, and Brandon is like, “That tracks.“ She talks about her oblivion to Kelly‘s problems, that’s making Kelly‘s problems all about her. Typical Brenda. David comes by Kelly‘s house the next morning to give Kelly the tape of the fashion show, and actually decent thing to do. Kelly tells him he’s a nice guy and give him a kiss on the cheek. Surprisingly, he didn’t pass out this time. Jackie, by the way, looks amazing for someone going to drug and alcohol treatment, but then again it is Beverly Hills.

This episode is one of the standout episodes of the series for me, partly to do with Jennie Garth‘s performance, and partly to do with the writing. It was here that Beverly Hills 90210, demonstrated that it could deal with hard topics in a poignant way. 

Season 1, Episode 7: Higher Education

You guys, I can’t with this version of the Peach Pit. It is so green and so peach and so ugly. We start there, where Brandon is hard at work bussing tables and a reading from a textbook. I know every job I’ve ever had has always been super accepting of studying on the clock. He spots his teacher at the end of the counter and tells him he was just studying for his test. The teacher is gray haired and eating his dinner in a suit and tie. I’m trying to decide what is more dated: Teaching in a suit, or eating in one. Brandon tells him history (he must be a history teacher or else this conversation is weird) is his favorite subject and the teacher asks him for horseradish. Seriously, seeing teachers in public is super awkward for both parties, especially when you’re a kiss ass. Cough cough Brandon.

Excuse me, what is this?

Apparently liking something doesn’t mean you are good at it. Take me, for instance. I love music and love to sing, but I’m not selling out any concert venues. In fact my husband makes howling dog noises whenever I sing. Unappreciated and my own time. Anyhow, Brandon gets a C on his history test and Mr. Denzel, dressed in a navy suit and orange dress shirt and tie (Go Bears!)  explains that he grades on a curve – 10% of the students get A’s, 10% get F’s. The rest are mediocre. Steve, in his plaid pants and coral sweatshirt, gets an A, and Donna makes the comment about how he’s good in history, but bad in everything else… like matching his clothes. 

Bear Down

In journalism, Andrea reminds Brandon about the impending due date of his swim team article. He tells her that he’s got too many tests to study for. “Welcome to West Beverly,” Andrea says condescendingly. He throws out that she doesn’t have a job and she retorts that she runs the paper. First off, is she spending a lot of her personal time working on the paper? I remember our newspaper editors, and I can’t say they struck me as burning the candle at both ends. She finally relents, and says she will give the assignment to someone else (chalk another one up for rich white dude entitlement.) She also says that he’s just mad he got a C, friggin loser. She doesn’t say that but you can see it in her eyes. Andrea then offers to help Brandon study for the next test, because she managed to get an A. Because she is not a loser.

Dylan is still Ooooo, on the TLC tip in his overalls. Kelly says, “What I wouldn’t give to go out with Dylan McKay.” The answer to that  is your best friend, Kelly. Brenda says that she’s heard he’s trouble, as all the best ones are. They approach him, seemingly with this weeks lunchtime poll. Kelly wants to know if guys prefer long or short hair and Dylan replies that he likes blondes. Dylan, did you not pay attention to the very simple question? I don’t even know why we do these damn polls anyway. He then asks Brenda if she is Brandon‘s sister and they stare at each other for an uncomfortably long time. Kelly also clearly becomes uncomfortable, but I think it’s because no one has mentioned her brooch.

Cindy catches Brenda fussing in front of a mirror and hold her she’s beautiful and Brenda responds, “not California beautiful.“ I teeter between thinking “That’s right. You are a fierce woman. Embrace your confidence.”  And “Ugh, shut up Brenda.” Brenda also fails to mention that she was daydreaming about having long wavy blonde hair and using it to attract Dylan. But also, the blond wig looks like it was made entirely of broom bristles and frizz. Andrea, who name Jim and Cindy actually pronounce correctly, and Brandon are studying and Brandon asks a question. Andrea answers it and Brandon mansplains the answer, only to be completely wrong. As most mansplainers are. Jim comes in, and Brandon suddenly knows how to pronounce Andrea’s name. Jim, Brandon’s biggest cheerleader, tells Andrea that she’s in luck because history is Brandon’s best subject. Andrea doesn’t correct him, because she’s a better person than I am. I would’ve been like, “Listen here Jimbo. I am here helping the brainiac because he got a C on his test, but tell me again how lucky I am.…Parents love me.” Brandon, upset that a girl is smarter than him, picks a fight with Andrea and is then shocked when she leaves. Was it his snazzy vest? Brandon ends up getting another C, so Steve offers to let him join his study group.

To be clear, Steve’s study group consists of Steve and a pool float. Brandon quizzes is him, but Steve says that he doesn’t need to know that information. Steve tells Brandon that he’s a good guy and then says, “I don’t tell many people that.” Is that because we’ve never actually seen you with anyone else? And Brandon reciprocates the sentiment. Except for that whole racism bit. The next day, Brandon notices that the questions Steve told him to study are the exact questions on the quiz and very loudly accuses Steve of stealing the test. Steve is offended that Brandon doesn’t just think he’s smart… and psychic.

Once back at Steve’s mansion, Steve admits he stole the test and shows Brandon the next week’s quiz, promising they will not get caught. Brandon finally relents and says, “It’s just a quiz, right?”

Brenda is styling her hair in the school bathroom and Kelly and Donna criticize her and then give her the name of stylist to help change her look. They are very subtle, as most mean girls are. Of course, Brenda can’t afford the stylist And then, looking in the mirror, Donna realizes she has both contacts in one eye. In the writers room, “You know what we should do? Make the bosses daughter dumb.”

Brandon aces the quiz and the whole class claps for him, because that’s what high schoolers do, cheer on those who excel academically, and screw up the curve. Andrea asks Brandon if they can try studying together again and Brandon declines. Meanwhile Brenda catches Kelly and Dylan flirting in the hall and begs Cindy to give her money to go get her hair done. Cindy, of course, tells her no, while cutting up fruit, but reminds her of how beautiful she is.

The Walsh family all fawn over Brandon’s essay, while Brenda refers to the history teacher as a Nazi. If only she knew what the future would hold, with all of the Nazis. She then gets angry at Brandon because Dylan likes blondes and Brandon is like, “WTF is happening here?”and tells her he needs to study. Brandon takes a break from his studies to go to the Peach Pit, where he runs into Mr. Denzel and tells him what a horrible, ineffective teacher he is before having absolutely no consequences. Brandon decides to cheat, but he gets caught by Andrea.

At yet another barbecue at the Walshes, Kelly congratulates Brandon on his quiz grade. Of course, Jim has to heap on the praise as well, and Brandon obviously feels guilty so he asks everyone to stop. I agree, and not because he cheated, but because it is ONE QUIZ. Kelly remarks that she just appreciates that they are all talking to each other. 

She then instructs Brenda on the fine art of at home hair color. She’s mixed two colors together, and whatever she’s shaking sounds like water, so I’m assuming it will all go well. To top it off, she tells Brenda she has to leave the color on all night as she literally shakes the color on to Brenda’s hair. I’ve been coloring my hair for a long time, and neither of those is correct.

Needless to say, we hear Brenda screaming “Oh my God.” (And not the good kind) over the theme from Psycho the next morning. Her hair has taken on a trapezoid shape and is a myriad of colors, none of which occurs in nature. Jim and Cindy are obviously shocked by Brenda’s hair, and her tapestry skirt, but Brandon convinces them to be supportive.

At school, Dylan thousand Brandon that Denzel is retiring, but is “keeping it quiet.“ They must have talked about it while thrift shopping together, Denzel buying his suits, and Dylan buying his plaid pajama pants. Steve hunts Brandon down and try to convince him to cheat on the midterm, but Brandon refuses. Brandon in turn, hunts Andrea down “to explain” but ends up telling her she just judgmental. Like it’s a bad thing. Judgmental is my favorite way to be.

Denzel hasn’t completely overlooked Brandon’s tirade, as he makes a point to call him out in class when he can’t answer a discussion question. To be fair, Brandon deserved far worse.

Brenda gets lectured, rather forcefully, by Cindy about how naturally beautiful she is, all while Cindy sports a perm that is desperately holding on. Steve, meanwhile, makes a stop by the Peach Pit to make sure Brandon isn’t going to turn him in. Steve tries to convince Brandon that everyone cheats and he’s got to decide if he wants to get on board the “cheat train.” Kind of like Soul Train, but instead of dancing, they cheat. He then hands Brandon a copy of the midterm. How many copies does he have? Did he go to the library and pay a dime per page to make copies? At the end of his shift, he finds Mr. Denzel outside, waiting for the auto club to change his tire. Of course, Brandon, the resourceful Midwesterner, knows how to change a flat. Mr. Denzel explains that before his wife died, she helped him pick out all of his suits, and that is why he can’t get rid of the. Remember, there are no real villains in Beverly Hills. As Brandon is bent down, the midterm falls out of his back pocket. Mr. Denzel hands it back without looking at it, as you should. 

Brandon is studying at the library, and Andrea is there studying as well. He decides to beat a dead horse as he confronts Andrea about her anger at his cheating. She literally got a “C” because you cheated, Brandon, she’s justified in her anger. He tells her that she treats him like they are in a relationship and suddenly she’s the bad guy. How do men do that? It’s a dick move, Brandon.

Brenda decides to go for literally the only jog we ever see her on and Dylan rides by on his motorcycle. He recognizes her and turns around. Nothing has ever looked as good as Dylan swinging his leg over the seat of the bike and pulling his helmet off. He asks Brenda about her hair, and reveals that he actually likes blondes, brunettes, and redheads (yay, I’m one of those.) He says that he’s got a stylist friend that owes him a favor (did Dylan smolder someone to death for him?) and Brenda says, “I like your butt……I mean bike.” One of her only endearing moments. 14 year old me screamed, “Me too!”

Swoon

When Brandon returns home from the library, he confronts his parents about their expectations for him. Damn you, Jim and Cindy, for being proud of your children and wanting them to succeed. Damn you. Also, no consequences for an ugly tirade, yet again. 

At school the next day, Brandon and Andrea apologize to each other in a really awkward exchange, where they refer to themselves in the third person. In class, Mr. Denzel has everyone rip us their midterms, and instead asks them to answer a essay question, and Brandon is actually prepared! He turns in his test and he and Mr. Denzel share a moment about Denzel’s dead wife, prompting Brandon to refer to himself in the third person again. The episode ends and we never see Mr. Denzel again, but Brandon is not done referring to himself in the third person, and is Steve ever really done cheating? 

Episode 6: One on One

This week, we are talking about Episode 6: One on One.

This episode starts with Jim and Brandon shooting some baskets, in slow motion. Jim is all hyped up about Brandon’s future basketball career and Brenda is concerned about getting to school. For some reason, Jim is not at work yet and super sweaty in his shorts and T-shirt and Brandon is cool as a cucumber in his jeans and button up. I’m confused about the weather and the level of exertion by these 2. And seriously, why isn’t Jim at work?

Brenda complains to her mother about getting her own car and Cindy reminds her that she doesn’t even have a license. Brenda mentions that she’s taking drivers training and I feel like her mom should know that. Also, Cindy gives her some serious side eye, so I suspect there’s not enough training in the world to help Brenda.

Once at school, Brenda chases Kelly and Donna downs so they can engage in a mono syllabic conversation. This is a complete juxtaposition from the very first episode when Kelly begged Brenda for her forgiveness. High school girls, am I right? Also Andrea is rocking that dress shirt/tie combo, long before Brenda.

Andrea wants Brandon to cover basketball tryouts and he tells her that he can’t because he is trying out. Andrea asks him if maybe he’s a little short, which then becomes a running joke. And also do newspapers really cover tryouts for sports? Shouldn’t they be more concerned with the actual games? At tryouts, Steve tells Brandon that the open tryouts are a joke because the coach has already picked the lineup. Meanwhile, a bunch of tall guys we’ve never seen before are making layups. Steve seems to think he is guaranteed a spot, but I worry that his mullet might make him a little top-heavy.

Brenda is daydreaming that she is driving in a NASCAR race, developing her skills on the “icy streets of Minnesota.” Minnesota, the land of 10,000 lakes and perpetual winter. Her hand seems to be moving either too much or not enough to actually be racing. Maybe that’s why you don’t have your license Brenda. In her conversation with her driver’s training teacher, we learn that she flunked driver’s training three times before. Brandon must not have set up a parking lot of cones and eggs to help her like the Brady brothers did for Marcia, or was it Jan? It had to be Marcia, no one cares about Jan.

Brandon has to scrimmage against Steve during tryouts and makes him look bad, prompting some squinty eyes from Steve. Brandon then makes the cut while Steve doesn’t. Steve tells Brandon that he won’t make it past the next round, because “the fix is in.”  West Beverly offers a program for minorities to attend the school, but Steve claims it’s only the athletic ones that qualify. He says the players never actually go to class and he sickened by the fact that they get a “free ride.” Brandon uses the “I’m new around here” trope even though I’m sure they’ve been there several months, to feign ignorance. It’s like my coworker who still says that he’s new, even after three years, to excuse his mistakes.

I’m sorry, but did the Peach Pit move or is it suffering from the Walsh House syndrome from the pilot? There is legit a woman reading a magazine in a bank of chairs along the wall like at the doctors office. Of course, James, one of the basketball players in question, hangs out at the Peach Pit, but only for this episode. One of the other players, from off screen (but not really) says that Brandon has no chance of making the team and everyone laughs. I would just like to remind them that everyone laughed at Carrie and look what happened to them.

Brandon comes home and complains about West Beverly recruiting it’s players and Jim. Does. Not. Get. It. Instead, he starts talking about Bobby Knight like he’s suggesting Brandon should throw some chairs when he gets angry. Then he quotes one of those inspirational signs. You know, the kind that says something like “Determination”  and then a bunch of inspirational crap. Brenda storms off with Kelly, because no one wants to talk about her fourth try at drivers training…… And because she is Brenda. And who isn’t annoyed by those signs?

Upstairs, Kelly tries to convince Brenda to lie to her parents and go on a double date with her and some guy named Kenny. You can never trust guys name Kenny. That one from South Park is always dying. Kelly has to use the bathroom and catches Brandon pretending he’s playing for the Lakers. They have a flirty moment. Clearly she doesn’t care that it took him three tries to make the basket even though it was like a foot away.

At school, Steve tells Brandon about the Lakers-Celtics game and Brandon asks why he was rooting for the Celtics. Steve replies, “Us Irish guys got to stick together.” Steve votes for Trump, I’m sure. He then tells Brandon to watch out for himself and Brandon is confused. Obviously, he doesn’t speak racism, at least not fluently.

James suddenly shows up to Brandon’s tech class, which David also suddenly shows up in, and asks for an extension on his assignment. The teacher grants it while pointing her finger at him like she wants to say, “you little Scally wag.” Brandon discusses this with Andrea who says that James must be an overachiever. I like to think I was s pretty successful student, but I still made it to all of my classes. Also, Brandon says they are four weeks into the semester but last episode was November. When does school start in Beverly Hills? Andrea tells Brandon that Steve is a spoiled slug, not a credible news source, and I’m once again impressed by her insulting skills. Brandon asks Andrea if she can look into the applied learning program and his accusations of recruiting. Andrea is finally so moved by Brandon’s adolescent passion that she agrees to look into it.

Brenda is doing some behind the wheel practice on the mean streets of Beverly Hills, when she runs into an IROC because she think she sees Henry Winkler. To be fair, it is Henry Winkler. Also, to be fair, the instructor did tell her that she had the right of way and he’s wearing a sweater vest, so you know he’s trustworthy.

Brandon is at basketball tryouts and the basketballs are getting dribbled, and passed, and thrown in the basket. I do have a question though. Is there normally that much squeaking on the floors? Or is that so we will know that it’s a serious game? Someone let me know. During the game, Brandon gets open, but the tall guy goes in for a layup instead of passing it. Who does he think he is? James Harden? I had to ask my husband for that reference because I don’t understand the basketball.

Jim shows up to tryouts, to give another inspirational speech I’m sure. He goes on and on and on and then says “You’ve got a legitimate shot at making the team. Either way, I am proud of you.“ I call bullshit Jim. Andrea shows up, and being the supersleuth she is, has discovered that James has never taken a placement test, a requirement for sophomores. The applied learning program also has no transcripts for him from his previous schools. Brandon says he will talk about it with James. Needless to say, James is not very happy when Brandon confronts him. It could be that Brandon says James doesn’t have the minimum requirements to even be at a school. James says that if he weren’t black, Brandon wouldn’t care. Doesn’t he know that Brandon is a super progressive feminist or at least, claims to be?

Jim digs out his yearbook and embarrasses us all by reliving his glorious days as a mediocre basketball player. Cindy and Jim have a date night and Cindy makes a joke about double dribbling down memory lane and then revels in her perceived hilarity. It’s like being with my husband. Jim then tells Brandon if he makes the basketball team, he might consider paying his insurance so that Brandon can quit working. Student athletes deserve a little bonus for all the hard work they put in, he says. This makes Brandon think, we know this because Brandon looks down which is what you do when you’re thinking.

Kelly calls Brenda from her date, that she tried to convince Brenda to go on, to come pick her up. Her date is drunk and Janet Jackson has laryngitis. Kelly, I feel you, she canceled on me as well. That time, it was because she was pregnant, but whatever. Selfish. Brandon’s car is at home and Brandon is at work because he rode his bike? Brenda agrees to come pick Kelly up. She gets lost and then runs out of gas. She walks to a gas station where the employee not only agrees to pay for her gas, he drives her to where she thinks she parked the car. What is he, a Chick-fil-A employee? But, when they get back to the location, the car is gone.

Brandon hopes to get home from work early enough so he can be rested for the final day of tryouts, but Nat insists on talking to him about the fine art of applying condiments. Hush Brandon, I’m learning about the correct application of mayo. On his way home, Brandon stops at the library to return library books and sees James studying. He, of course, has to talk to him and James is understandably defensive. They get into a heated argument while some guy in the background keeps pleading, “This is the library.” James reveals that is not part of the applied learning program, that his father works for the Beverly Hills library and that is why he gets to go to West Beverly High. James says he was perfectly happy in Inglewood until his parents decided to move him to West Beverly four weeks into the semester. Brandon says, “Kind of like what happened to me.” except that you moved before the school year started and no one accused you of not deserving to be at West Beverly, so calm down on that attempted unity Brandon. James then calls Brandon out on his racist assumptions before storming off, leaving Brandon to ponder, “Wait, am I racist?” Looks down.

Brandon heads home, only to be confronted with a police car in the driveway. They are here to arrest you for being a racist dumbass Brandon. They don’t actually do that, they just elect you. The police are there because Mondale was stolen “right from the driveway.” Jim suggests Brandon put it to bed and just try his best tomorrow. Brandon yells at him that he was never asked if he wanted to play basketball (you volunteered to try out Brandon) or if he wanted to move. First off, being a kid means you move if your parents get a job somewhere else. Second, don’t take that tone with me, young man. Neither of which Jim says to him.

Brandon, apparently smarter than both adults yet again, asks Brenda how she didn’t hear the thief in the driveway and Brenda admits to him that the car was stolen after she took it. Brandon is understandably upset and tells Brenda that her world has suddenly started revolving around Kelly. She blames the whole fiasco on the fact that the car ran out of gas. Brandon says that when you get in the car, you put on your seatbelt, check your mirrors, and then your gas gauge. Look Brandon, there are no cops here, you kiss ass. Brenda suddenly has an Epiphany and blames her fear of driving on an accident a friend’s mother had while she was in the car. “I’m great at everything but driving.” Wow, Brenda, conceited much? And great at everything? Have you seen your bangs?

Brandon comes in early the next morning to practice and James is there practicing as well. Brandon tells James that he wanted him to be guilty of being recruited not because he’s black, but so that Brandon would feel better about not making the team. Growing up in Minnesota, race relations wasn’t much he had to think about. It’s Minneapolis, Brandon, not BFE. James tells Brandon that he assumed everyone from Minnesota was a cowboy. That’s Dallas, James. And football. They both bond over their misperceptions and decide to play a game of one on one. Nothing settles racial tension quite like a game of horse.

Brenda, emboldened by her driving Epiphany, asks her instructor to take another spin with her, even after he suggests she should just start walking everywhere.

Brandon tells Andrea that there is no longer a story because the one guy that he met wasn’t actually recruited, nor a part of the applied learning program. I feel like he’s not a very good investigative journalist. There were still four other players that were a member of that program that maybe he could’ve checked out. Steve shows up and tells Brandon that it’s their school, not the basketball player’s school. Andrea rolls her eyes. Oh Steve, you silly racist.

Jim joins the rest of the family in the backyard at home, and asks “An outdoor barbecue in October?” October? It was November in the last episode. Are we going back in time? Where is Marty McFly? Brandon tells Jim that he didn’t make the team, and Jim admits his glory days weren’t so glorious. The police show up just in time, towing Mondale. And Brenda’s keychain. Meanwhile, Kelly is still waiting for Brenda by the payphone.

Season 1, Episode 5: “For the First Time”

This weeks episode, Hulu‘s number five, is “For the First Time“. I’m sure we are all aware what they are talking about. It’s always interesting to juxtapose Jim Walsh in this episode and Jim Walsh in “Beach Blanket Brandon.”

The opening scene takes place in the twins shared bathroom, where Brandon is standing shirtless in jeans and an obnoxiously thick neck chain, while Brenda exposes part of her midriff in her boxer shorts, seemingly in an homage to “Flowers in the Attic.” Brandon goes on a diatribe about the lack of seasons and clean air in LA when the phone rings. Brenda says she hopes it’s not for her, because when her friends come after 11, Jim tells them that she is sleeping. Neither of them make an attempt to answer the phone. Jim not only doesn’t tell the caller that Brandon is sleeping, he even hand delivers the phone to him. #DoubleStandard. Everyone is super interested in Brandon‘s phone conversation with his Minnesota girlfriend, which entails her telling Brandon that she is coming to Beverly Hills the very next day. No one finds this suspicious? Either you give plenty of notice or no notice at all. We call that a surprise.

Brandon has to ask Andrea (which he still pronounces as Ann-drea) if someone can cover the sports ball game over the weekend, so he can spend time with his ex-girlfriend. Through Andrea’s possessive grilling, we learn that Brandon and his girlfriend dated for a year, but Brandon doesn’t believe in long distance relationships. That’s good, because all those girls you’ve dated since you moved to Beverly Hills might make you look like a bad guy.

Brenda’s got the hots for her algebra teacher, who is libel to break out into a rendition of “Jessie‘s girl“ at any moment.

In tech class, Brandon is pulling on some wires on some metal thing, and telling Dylan all about Cheryl, who is not only beautiful, but also has a great personality. That is a ringing endorsement from Brandon. He states that he hasn’t found anyone that even compares, and believe me, he’s been looking. I said that, not Brandon. He also confesses that it they’ve never slept together, because, you know, he really respects women. I also said that.

The algebra teacher asks Brenda to stay after class, and she daydreams that he invites her to run away with him, all while wearing what looks to be a horrible wig. What he is really asking her is to babysit. I know this is the 90s, but is having a current student in charge of your children and at your house the best idea?

Brandon looks pensively at his computer screen, prompting Andrea to quiz him about his expectations for the weekend. This causes him to be more pensive. Distracted and pensive, he runs into David, literally runs into him and knocks his books everywhere. Dylan, wearing what looks like plaid pajama pants, tell Brandon to bring Cheryl by the hotel so he can meet her. David introduce himself as Steve’s friend and tells Brandon that Steve was telling him about his out of town a girlfriend coming into town.  Why is Steve talking about Brandon‘s girlfriend with other dudes? Like how does it get brought up organically in conversation? David commiserates with Brandon about his 12-year-old camp crush, and I begin to wonder if this has just happened. #Awkward.

Brandon speeds home after school, we know he’s beating because his tires squeal as he goes around the corner, and Miranda waits until they get home to put on her John Lennon sunglasses. Apparently, it is only sunny in that brief patch of yard from the car. 

Cheryl catches Brenda up on all the gossip from Minnesota and a few things come out in the conversation. Cheryl makes a comment about the abundance of rich, good looking guys in Beverly Hills, to which Brenda says, the cutest guy at West Beverly is her freaking Rick Springfield algebra teacher. I’m assuming she’s at least seen Dylan, right? Then Jim asked Cindy if everyone is in bed. And then jokingly asked if Cheryl will actually stay in Brenda’s room. Jokes about it nonchalantly. #Hypocrite

Brandon sneaks into the bathroom where Cheryl is getting out of the shower. I really got to learn that towel track that TV/movies use with a towel looks like a dress. Apparently none of these women actually have breasts. He tries to convince her to come into his room later to do “special things.“ She is hesitant and I’m trying to decide if it’s his chain or his noisy kisses that are killing the mood for her.

Neither Cheryl, Brandon, or Cindy can sleep. Cindy, amazingly enough, can hear Brandon‘s inside door open and shut even though she slept through the time Brandon came stumbling into the house after curfew when he went on that ill-fated date with Mary Anne. Brandon, of course, is responsible and has protection. Cindy can use some too, against Jim’s DGAF attitude about Brandon’s sex life.

Brandon wakes up early and listens to jazz music, because that’s what people do after they lose their virginity. Brandon and Cheryl leave to go sightseeing and we see Beverly Hills through the lens of Cheryl’s camera. I have a feeling she’s going to be pretty bummed when she develops those pictures she don’t. They stop off after the Bel Age hotel to say hi to Dylan who tells Cheryl if you can get them into a club where the stars congregate. He asked her about her relationship with Brandon while Brandon and slips off to the bathroom and she seems pretty bitter about their distance.

Cheryl and Brenda are getting dressed while talking about the club, Dylan, and Brenda’s teacher. Cheryl shirt has far too many appliqués to wear anywhere, let alone a club in LA. There’s a conversation between Jim and Cindy about the appropriateness of a 16-year-old having sex under his parents roof and I’m not going any further into it because I cringe at Jim’s attitude and in general given I’ve only got 2 1/2 years until I have a 16-year-old.

Cheryl asks to ride to the club with Dylan and his Porsche while Brandan drives Brenda to her teachers house. Brenda seems to have no interest in Dylan and vice versa. Brandon raises concerns with Brenda, who all of a sudden isn’t in a big hurry to get to her babysitting job, about Cheryl and Dylan and she tells him he is being paranoid.

Mr. Brody’s, the algebra teacher, wife is seemingly a complete bitch as she complains about what he is wearing and forces him to change. The children seem to take after her, as one dumps out Brenda’s purse, and the other says she doesn’t need a sitter.

Brandon sneaks past a pretty badat his job and simple hair care bouncer and catches Dylan and Cheryl slow dancing. To be fair, no one on the dance floor actually seems to know what the beat is. Brandon confronts Dylan about having to sneak in, although he never actually gave the bouncer his name. Cheryl storms off to the bathroom, and Brandon tells Dylan to back off. Dylan informs Brandon that Cheryl hit on him and not the other way around. Mr. passive punches Dylan in the face. Dylan ruffles Brandon shirt and tells him he had better figure out who his friends are before taking his vest and leaving.

Brandon finds Cheryl at the bar, consuming and obnoxiously blue drink, and it looks delicious. She gets angry when he tells her it’s time to go. Brandon assumes that they should be closer “than ever” since they slept together and Cheryl admits that she’s had sex before. I wish she hadn’t, because it causes Brandan to use the phrase “jump your bones.“ Cheryl storms off and Brandan smacks the delicious drink out of the bar. He is very aggressive in this episode. Also, way to be conspicuous, underage drinker.

Brenda isn’t having a good time babysitting either, and then Kelly and Donna show up. The Brodys come home early and Mrs. Brody isn’t happy about the extra guests or in the condition of the house. I remember at 14, watching this and thinking about what a bitch she was and now I’m honestly like SAME.

Kelly drives Brenda home, where Brenda reveals that she is no longer into Mr. Brody. The only reason I mention this is that when Brenda gets out of the front seat, Donna doesn’t move from the back, so Kelly drives away with her in the backseat like “Driving Miss Daisy.”

Brenda catches Cindy rifling through Cheryl’s things and Cindy tells her that Cheryl ran away from home. Meanwhile, Brandon tracks Cheryl down to Dylan’s room, but Dylan insist that he isn’t interested in her and he’s also apparently forgotten that Brandon just punched him in the face. Cheryl admits that she is super codependent because she’s only happy when she’s with Brandon. She hates her stepfather and her father seems to of disappeared from her life. (hello daddy issues)

Brandon and Cheryl head back to Casa Walsh, where Brenda figures out that they have slept together. She then says the most accurate thing ever, “Everything Brandon does is fine. If this were me, you’d be freaking out.” Cheryl and Brandon say goodbye, and he still insists on knowing who else she has slept with, and she tells him it doesn’t matter. Which it doesn’t Brandon, it’s not your business. She then tells him he is a wonderful lover and I thought Brenda, who overheard, feels as awkward as we all do and then she smiles. #Creepy. Also, is she competing in the tour de France in that outfit? That’s a lot of neon and Lycra.

Jim is in charge of the sex talk with Brandon and I am in charge of having a talk with the costume department about putting Jim‘s super hairy back and tank tops. Brandan ends the conversation and the episode by saying, “I don’t kiss and tell.“ We will soon discover though, he does kiss, a lot.

Episode 4: Every Dream Has It’s Price(Tag)

 This week features season one, episode three or is it four? It is hard to figure out with that whole two-parter for the premiere episode. First things first, Luke Perry, and all his well coiffed glory, is part of the opening credits for the first time.

This episode starts with Brenda, in front of a mirror, trying on hats and scarves, while practicing a speech to convince her mother to let her go horseback riding apparently. 1) Thank God she’s trying to cover those hideous bangs. 2) Does anyone actually do this in real life? 

Brenda finally settled on a blazer that looks like if she took it off of a ginormous hobo or giant blazers really that popular in LA in the 90s? A lot of the trends from the show caught on in the Midwest, but that definitely wasn’t one of them. Sidenote: I was wrong last week – the money thing lasts for two episodes. And then they hire a maid. Maybe if you hadn’t done that Jim, both of your kids could go to out-of-state colleges, but I digress. Cindy serves up a lecture about how living in Beverly Hills doesn’t mean they have to subscribe to that way of life and how if people like Brenda only for the way she looks, they don’t really like her at all. I’m glad I’m jotting these pearls of wisdom down, so I can use them as my own mid western mom words to live by. Speaking of which, here comes the housekeeper, as if I spoke her into fruition.

Kelly and Brenda are at school, where Kelly is giggling with some rando we’ve never seen before, and won’t again after this episode, but who she has apparently been best friends with since grade school. Brenda seems jealous over the bonding they are doing over cars. If it makes Brenda feel any better, I couldn’t fill my gas tank all of the way up without worrying about gas leaking everywhere because there was a hole in the tank. Do you want to bond over that Brenda?

We are back at the Walsh house, where Cindy is discussing the stranger in the house with Jim. Jim tries to use humor to deflect. Read the room, Jim. Also what is his secretary having him sign? Is there some part of accounting that I don’t understand? Also doesn’t the secretary know that it’s the 90s? “Working Girl” shoulder pads are out. Jim finally admits that the housekeeper is the cousin of a coworker’s cleaning lady, and reminds Cindy that they had a cleaning lady in Minneapolis. Cindy starts ranting about how she also had a job and friends in Minnesota; even the phone gets tired of her privileged whining and hangs up on her.

Back to West Beverly, where Brenda appears to be in English class because the teacher is discussing Les Miserables. She tries to make it relatable to the students by saying it has “sex and crime.” She then proceeds to tell the class the plot of the book. Oh, great teaching. Brenda is distracted by Kelly and her new/old friend giggling in the corner. You know who isn’t distracted? The teacher. I’m wondering what certification these teachers go through to qualify to teach at West Beverly. Class seems to end minutes after it starts, and Kelly says to her friend, “Whose beemer should we take?” I have theories about the character of people who drive BMW’s, let alone refer to them as beemers. Hint, they are not good. Meanwhile, Andrea is hurrying through the quad, carrying what looks to be like proofs for pages of the newspaper. Maybe not the thing you want to be racing around the very crowded school hallways with Chief. Obviously, she no longer is in a hurry as soon as she spots Brandon, who is job hunting from a randomly placed bulletin board. Like what grunt of an employee has to drive down to the local high school and place flyers to look for help? Andrea, of course, makes a comment about the lack of working happening in Beverly Hills. Oh, bitter, bitter Andrea.

An English teacher

We are treated to a montage of Brandon “pounding the pavement,” unsuccessfully it seems. Maybe people aren’t hiring you because, instead of a resume, you are carrying around a notebook with names of businesses written unnecessarily large on it. Also, you’re in jeans and a t-shirt. It’s Beverly Hills. 

Brenda, Kelly, and Tiffany (Kelly’s friend’s name apparently) and another girl are shopping. Steve and David are there, for some reason. The girl with no name reveals that Tiffany hooked up with Steve and that is why she and Kelly stopped being friends. Brenda, Kelly, and Tiffany start trying on clothes, and Tiffany sneaks things into her backpack. Brenda, meanwhile, is trying on clothes in the middle of the store, but it’s OK because there’s a mirror there. Brenda looks longingly at the vest she tries on, even though it is hideous, and then begrudgingly puts it back.

The next morning, Brenda is getting dressed, but can’t seem to find anything she likes. She decides to cover up a perfectly cute dress with a giant blazer and a hat she stole from Blossom. At school, she poses the question to her English teacher, “Who is more guilty? Someone who steals because they have to or someone who thinks about stealing, but doesn’t?” Oh, I’m not a lawyer or anything, but I’m sure it’s the one that actually steals. Class is over and David is walking around with a video camera and no one thinks it’s odd. Tiffany poses for the camera and lifts her dress up, revealing her biking shorts and a bra, and David passes out. Probably shouldn’t take him to the beach. Kelly tells Brenda that Tiffany used to be wild. Used to be? Used to be?

Cindy is cleaning with Anna and apparently thinks that she is a therapist. Brenda and Tiffany come in and Cindy, broom in hand, asks if they’d like a snack. Now I am from the Midwest and also a mom, and I can’t tell you the last time I have asked my child if they’d like a snack. Because they’re not toddlers. Tiffany makes a comment about never Seeing her mom with a broom in her hand, and never seeing her mom. Period so bad parenting just the Beverly Hills thing or something all rich parents are guilty of? Tiffany inspects Brenda’s room, while Brenda brings up Les Miserables. “I would never steal.” Tiffany makes a point to say. Real subtle Tiffany. She then stores her stolen items in Brenda’s closet. You were saying Tiffany?

Brandon runs to work and knocks on the back door. The manager is angry that he is 15 minutes early and is also hanging around the back door apparently? Brandon, only on the job for one night, is already complaining about the job. His coworker welcomes him “to the Third World labor force.” He suddenly notices that the kitchen is full of people of color, Asian mainly. He’s worked there for several hours and hasn’t noticed. He must not see color.

Tiffany and Brenda patronize the store they were at previously and Tiffany asked Brenda to grab her a larger size from the sales clerk. As Brenda is doing this, Tiffany tried putting something in her bag. The cashier Spies her and yells, I tracking the attention of the security guard walking around the impossibly small store and a large, white bowler hat. Brenda and Tiffany get put into the back room with a large amount of merchandise for a place where they have thieves. Brenda is angry, but Tiffany tells her she stole the vest for her, and that stealing makes her feel alive.

I am the hat of authority

At Casa Walsh, Brandon heads in, complaining about being beat after one night on the job, and Cindy comments about him working later than his father. How very passive aggressive of you, Cindy. The phone rings, and we know who it is, but Jim doesn’t and still says “yeah “when he picks up. What a douche. Then he doesn’t actually hang up, he just retract the antenna. Of course, he blames Cindy for Brenda shoplifting and Cindy blames Beverly Hills and the obsession with her appearance. Brandon, the teenage son, asks his parents where their faith in Brenda is. Apparently, it stayed in Minnesota as well. The manager of the store, who has a serious haircut and a denim shirt/tie combo, stands angrily as Tiffany tries to convince him that she plans on paying for the items she stole. I know he’s angry, because he standing with his arms folded. He agrees that it’s not worth a day in court, and Tiffany smirks because she clearly hasn’t learned her lesson. Brenda cheerfully tells her parents that she didn’t do anything wrong and Jim agrees to forget about it, while Cindy remains quiet. Will have to remember this incident after Brenda starts dating Dylan and Jim doesn’t forget about anything.

The next day, post klepto, Brandon uses an Inquiry into Brenda’s well-being to begin a discussion about the exploitation of immigrant labor. “Your hair looks great. Do you know who’s hair doesn’t look great? People who have to sneak across the border and wade through forests and rivers.” That isn’t what he actually says, but it’s pretty close.

Anna shows up to work on a Saturday and digs through the back of Brenda’s closet, finding the clothes that Tiffany hid in there. Cindy assumes they are Brenda’s and Brenda tells her that if she believes that she doesn’t know her at all. Maybe Cindy is confused by the cut off sweatshirt and insanely large T-shirt you have on. Brenda changes into a full denim ensemble to confront Tiffany at her mansion. Tiffany, of course, steals because she is broken, as all Beverly Hills villains are.

Brandon is hard at work, busing tables and being treated poorly by his boss and waiters. Dylan shows up to the restaurant because it is important that people see his overalls. Brandon is chastised by his boss, and he discovers that the other “crumbers” don’t even make minimum-wage. Brandon is out raged as always, and tells his boss that he is an investigative reporter for a high school newspaper that lots of parents read so she’s going to lose business when they find out the Kramers don’t make minimum-wage. First of all, you are a sports editor Brandon. Second, parents don’t read high school newspapers. I wrote for my high school newspaper, and my parents still didn’t read it. third, I’m guessing the parents in Beverly Hills probably aren’t shocked that the help doesn’t make minimum-wage. They probably don’t pay their own help minimum-wage.

Brandon and Dylan leave this restaurant, and go to eat at a restaurant known as the Peach Pit. Dylan says “There’s a real cross-section of people here.” Look, there’s a white person and there’s a different white person and there’s another white person. Nat says he’s in need of someone to help out and the rest is Peach Pit history.

Back at the Walsh house, Tiffany makes an appearance to collect her stolen goods. We know that she’s really doing that to make sure Cindy knows it was not Brenda who stole the clothes, because there are no real villains in Beverly Hills. Cindy suggests that Tiffany talk to someone about her problem, so Tiffany talks to Cindy. I don’t think that’s what she meant, but I could be wrong. Of course, Tiffany says that her shrink thinks she steals to gain the attention of her absentee parents. I don’t have a psychiatry degree, but I could’ve told you that.

The episode ends with the Walsh family gathered around a casserole that Anna has made for them. No one seems to be complaining that she worked a Saturday now.

Episode 3: “The Green Room”

Let me predicate this week’s post by saying that I have Thursdays off of work during the summer and recently discovered that the POP channel has all day 90210 marathons, so I had to turn off season 10’s Thanksgiving episode (think Steve and Janet in the hospital with Madeline, and Donna struggling with the knowledge that Dr. Martin had sex with her aunt in a pool) SPOILER ALERT We will have to talk about what the writer’s have against healthy deliveries later. We can then discuss why, after the first season, Donna and Kelly never seem to have a period of good hair simultaneously.

This week I watched Episode 3 of Season 1, entitled “The Green Room.”

This episode starts off with someone, whose face we cannot see, surfing. A close up reveals that it is Brandon. It is clear that is a dream, but I can’t figure out if the special effects were supposed to be bad, or it was just a victim of the 90’s. The close up makes it look less like he is surfing, and more like water hit an upside down spoon while he was doing dishes. His dream is interrupted by season 1 Brenda, growing into some poorly cut fringe bangs, imploring him to get up and ready for school. Then, for some reason, we cut to a mailman in winter gear trudging through a snowstorm to a mailbox with “Walsh” on the front. The mail has been stamped with a forwarding address of 933 Hillcrest Avenue, Beverly Hills, CA, 90210. It is not a real address, in case you were wondering. The intro is vaguely familiar, as it is the one used during the first season, but changed after. Oddly enough, the intro is bookended by another mailman (excuse me, mailperson) delivering the mail to the new (literally, because it is a different house than the pilot, but the one that becomes synonymous with Casa Walsh) house.

Cindy is on the phone, arguing with Jim about his traveling (does accounting involve a lot of travel) while Brenda ponders the calorie count in her kiwi. She remarks about how delicious they are, and Cindy interjects that they should be with as much as they cost. Right, Cindy? Fruit is expensive. I assume this is why I’ve never been model thin. Brandon is clothed in his uniform of jeans and a T-shirt, while Brenda has on the girls 90’s uniform of a baby doll dress and combat boots. At school, Kelly looks more like Kelly with her high waisted jeans and a white off the shoulder shirt. There’s no neon in sight. She talks to Brenda about having to even out her tan and I have to pause because I am pretty sure that her tan is fairly even, as in nonexistent. And I’m not hating, I’m a natural redhead, so I understand what it’s like to be so pale that you are almost clear. Steve walks by nonchalantly and makes a crass comment about Kelly‘s plastic surgery. I think deep down Steve is just a sad, sad little boy who just needs a hug. David, in a New Order T-shirt (because he really likes music), tries to talk to Steve about his actress mother, but Steve just walks away. That David IS a dork. Brandon heads to the newspaper office where Andrea is busy being an editor, while wearing a vest. She wants Brandon to write an editorial about transitioning from the Midwest to Beverly Hills. Yeah, keep up Andrea, there’s like a whole show about it. He is not very excited about this, and states that he is merely a sports editor. Apparently being a sports editor doesn’t involve writing? It is also this scene where he calls her by her nickname for the first time, Chief. I would also like to note that in this episode, Brandon‘s mullet is gone. Oddly enough, Steve’s is as well, but Steve’s will be back.

Brandon leaves the newspaper room while everybody else stays. Clearly it’s not a journalism class, but Andrea always seems to be there and Brandon makes casual appearances. Brandon heads off to a robotics class? Is this an elective? Scott is also in this class, but it doesn’t actually have a teacher. Also, Scott is allowed to wear his Lakers hat in the building, like all the time. Does he have an IEP for it, is it a service hat, or why does he get to wear a hat in school? Anyhow, Scott has designed a floor plan for a club which Brandon is impressed by, but laments that he has never actually been in one, because he always gets carded. Scott, that’s because you are 14 years old. You’re going to get carded for a long time because you are still a baby. As he’s working, he gets harassed by a random blonde guy and a guy in a letterman’s jacket. Dudes in letterman‘s jacket always seem to be giant assholes. Scott calls them the missing link and they haul him out of his chair. Brandon stands up and suggests everyone calms down, when a voice from the corner begs the bullies to touch Scott’s keyboard. The voice turns around, and is accompanied by an earring and a trenchcoat. The bullies call the mystery man a loser, but seem to be frightened of him anyway. I too am frightened, but by how much I want to make out with him. I’m pretty sure Brandon does too, because he hunts him down after class to introduce himself. He then asks him out to lunch, and Dylan suggests they go surfing instead. As he stands up, I realize he is wearing denim overalls with only one strap fastened, like he’s a member of TLC.

Oooooo……On the TLC Tip

Brandon doesn’t seem to be concerned about missing school and also seems to carry a wetsuit with him. Or can you rent those like you do surfboards? Either way, Brandon and Dylan meet up with some other surfers, one of whom is a blonde girl, and Brandon, as usual, is smitten. Needless to say, Brandon is not a very good surfer, a point that is emphasized by the tempo change in music whenever he is on screen. We find out at this point what the title is referring to; the “green room” is the perfect wave.The blonde girl tells Brandon this after rescuing him from the water. Blondie lives in the valley, “the darkness at the edge of town.” Come on, blonde girl, we learned all of this from Cher Horowitz. She also says that she doesn’t go to Beverly Hills High or West Beverly. I guessed that by the the fact that she was at the beach in the middle of the day. Blonde girl is named Sarah, with an H, but her friends call her Betty, because men are sexist. She too tells Brandon that he’s nice, and I’m beginning to see that the bar is real low for dudes in Beverly Hills.

Brenda and Kelly are shopping – on Rodeo Drive baby – and Kelly picks up several pieces, leaving Brenda to admit that she can’t afford to shop there. I feel you Brenda, except I say the same thing when we shop at the mall. The cashier asks, “Paper or plastic?” and I’m reminded that people used to use cash. And this introduces a plot device of 90210, where they introduce a point of conflict, only having it be an issue for one episode. I don’t think we really hear anymore about any money problems after that.

Steve is at home and his mother pages him using an intercom system to invite him down to dinner, obviously this happens in the 90s, because if it were today, she would’ve just texted him. She mentions that David Silver‘s dad is producing a movie she would be a perfect fit for her and suggests Steve play nice with David to help the connection. I’m just wondering where it is she gets her Hollywood Intel.

Jim is still stuck in Chicago, so Cindy cooked a big welcome home dinner and he’s not even going to be there to eat it. Brandon comes in quickly, lies and says he’s been working on his editorial all day and needs to go to the library to work some more. If you are writing an editorial about yourself, do you really need to go to the library for anything? Obviously, Casa Walsh is a fairly quiet house where he could definitely get some work done. You’ve got to think ahead Cindy. Parenting is not for the weak. Really, he is sneaking off with Dylan and Dylan’s surfer buddies.

Brenda, meanwhile, is attempting to make jeans similar to the ones Kelly bought for $150. Cindy seems unhappy with her life in Beverly Hills, and all I can think is wah, wah. You live in Beverly Hills. Also, who cares about the parents? iIf I wanted to feel sorry for a bunch of old white people, I would’ve watched Thirtysomething.

Poor Betty wants to hang out with Dylan and Brandon, but her surfing buddies won’t let her. Brandon and Dylan were real quick to step up for Scott but don’t say a word for Betty. Does Betty deserve to be bullied by these men? Why the sudden closed lips Gentleman? And furthermore, learn your worth Betty/Sarah, women are not possessions!

Dylan has a copy of the collective works of Byron in his car for some leisurely reading, because, of course he does. A rebel, a surfer, owns an earring, champion of the male underdog, and a poet. Let’s have babies, Dylan. I have been a teen mom for Dylan McKay. Then I could’ve gotten a show on MTV. Win, win. When Brandon asks him about the book, he says “Mad, bad, and dangerous to know.” Normally I’d roll my eyes super hard when a male teenage character says something like this, but not this time. I am a hard yes. To his credit, Dylan does verbally acknowledge how poorly Betty is treated by the other dudes, but then he insinuates that Betty wants it because she puts up with it. So close Dylan. We will have to talk it over at dinner.

We travel to the Bel Age hotel, which sadly is now the London West Hollywood, to “meet some friends.” The group walks through the halls, testing door handles until they find an open one. Brandon, obviously, is trepidatious as all men who love denim jackets are, and as Dylan orders room service, Brandon suggests they leave. “Breaking and entering isn’t fun where he comes from.” Minneapolis? I’m pretty sure people do it there too. Betty asks him to stay with her and he says no and leaves. Dylan chases him out, only to be greeted by room service in the hall. The waiter obviously knows Dylan, so we find out Dylan actually has a suite at the hotel. He’s not the delinquent he tries to pretend he is. And seriously, how did room service get there so quickly? He just finished ordering, and bam, like there’s some rip in the space/time continuum. Dylan admits he doesn’t want to ruin his reputation. As what, a member of the band TLC? Because of the overalls.

Brandon and Brenda are in the bathroom talking about Brandon’s night as they are getting ready the next morning, Brenda tells him that Dylan is trouble. To be fair, he did say he was dangerous to know. And aren’t all men worth getting to know, trouble? Don’t worry Brenda, you’ll find out soon. That’s why I hate you.

Brenda, and her homemade jeans, invite Brandon to go to the beach with her and Kelly. Once there, Kelly, in true Kelly fashion, complains about being cold. Donna sarcastically reminds her that she could’ve dressed warmer, but Kelly is a slave to fashion. Yaaaaassss queen. Steve comes by in his sweater and shorts and ask Kelly if she’s warm and then laughs. California insults. I’m not impressed.

As Brandon walks the beach, he stumbles upon Betty and her surfer friends who tell Brandon the beach and Betty are theirs. I don’t understand this. Did they win her in a bet like two tickets to the Titanic? Betty is clearly drunk, judging by the fact that she’s wearing a straw hat and wetsuit and because she’s drinking from something in a brown paper bag. That is the universal sign for alcohol. Brandon tells this girl who he has presumably known for a few hours, that she isn’t being herself and she needs to be careful. OK Cindy. What a killjoy. Brandon then runs into Dylan, who is wet and apologetic. My favorite things. He tells Brandon he wants to be HIS friend, not the two caveman on the beach. These two dudes are pretty dramatic about this friendship.

Steve is sitting alone on a towel when David approaches with Scott to say hi. For a guy that judges everyone else, he sure does seem to be alone a lot. He tells David that their parents know each other. David sits uncomfortably close to Steve and then immediately gets back up. Did he realize that he was invading someone’s personal space or did he start to choke on the shirt he had buttoned all the way to the top?

Kelly decides the party at the beach is lame and wants to leave. Brenda goes to find Brandon. Meanwhile, Kelly and Donna find Kelly‘s car, thus stranding the Minnesota Twins. Brenda discovers a surfboard floating in the water, and then, there is a board and a body, and then the body washes up on the beach. If that’s how it happens, how does anyone actually drown? Obviously, it’s our drunk friend Betty/Sarah. Brandon gives Betty mouth-to-mouth and yells at her to breathe, which is how you get people to breathe in the movies. She does and they head off to the hospital, where the doctor tells the Walsh siblings that Teddy is an alcoholic. Does California not have HIPPA? Cindy Walsh comes running in, after getting a phone call from the hospital, quips about moving back to Minnesota and they all hug. And provide a clip for the opening credits.

Brandon heads to the beach the next morning where Dylan and the surfer dude‘s are gearing up and high-fiving each other at inappropriate times. They are seemingly unaware of what has happened to Betty. Brandon calls them scum, and the surfer with the really frizzy ponytail punches him in the stomach several times. We know it’s hard because Brandon grants loudly at each impact. Dylan breaks it up, and Brandon self righteously huffs away. Dylan silently breaks one of the surfboards as a riff from an electric guitar plays. Dylan follows Brandon and asks him if he would like to go to breakfast. Brandan rejects Dylan‘s offer so he can finally go home to write his editorial.

Brenda and her bad bangs are doing homework when Kelly calls. Brandon, ever the diplomat, tells her that Kelly seems to feel really bad. He then asks Brenda to read his editorial called “the Green Room.” She reads it aloud because she doesn’t have an inside voice. He compares West Beverly to the green room and talks that how there is more to people than meets the eye. Yeah, Brandon, the Transformers taught us that too.

Brenda’s bad bangs

Inside his suite at the Bel Age hotel, Dylan sits in the dark, brooding, with the landline at his feet. We find out it is not because he’s waiting for Ross to call to apologize for sleeping with the girl at the copy shop. He calls his parents, but instead reaches an answering service and an operator who doesn’t recognize his name. He rests his face in his hands as the electric guitar wails in the background.

At school the next day, Steve finds David and invites him to lunch with their parents. It’s then that he discovers that David’s dad is an oral surgeon, not a producer. I still feel like that would be a good friend to have in case you need any bridgework or antibiotics.

Andrea finds Brandon, and tells him that she read what he wrote. I hope so Andrea, you are the editor of the paper. Then Betty/Sarah is just hanging out in a random hall of the school that she doesn’t attend and tells Brandon her parents are putting her into a treatment program. Brandon tells her to give him a call when she gets out, his number is listed. The 90s were such an innocent time.

Welcome to your one episode, guest star.

Kelly and Brenda, come around the corner and Kelly seems impressed by Brenda’s sudden notoriety since helping to save Betty/Sarah. She tells her she’ll see her at lunch and Brenda begrudgingly agrees. Brandon says, “You know what. I think we’re going to make it here.” To which Brenda replies, “Speak for yourself.” Oh he was Brenda, he was.

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