Season 1, Episode 7: Higher Education

You guys, I can’t with this version of the Peach Pit. It is so green and so peach and so ugly. We start there, where Brandon is hard at work bussing tables and a reading from a textbook. I know every job I’ve ever had has always been super accepting of studying on the clock. He spots his teacher at the end of the counter and tells him he was just studying for his test. The teacher is gray haired and eating his dinner in a suit and tie. I’m trying to decide what is more dated: Teaching in a suit, or eating in one. Brandon tells him history (he must be a history teacher or else this conversation is weird) is his favorite subject and the teacher asks him for horseradish. Seriously, seeing teachers in public is super awkward for both parties, especially when you’re a kiss ass. Cough cough Brandon.

Apparently liking something doesn’t mean you are good at it. Take me, for instance. I love music and love to sing, but I’m not selling out any concert venues. In fact my husband makes howling dog noises whenever I sing. Unappreciated and my own time. Anyhow, Brandon gets a C on his history test and Mr. Denzel, dressed in a navy suit and orange dress shirt and tie (Go Bears!)  explains that he grades on a curve – 10% of the students get A’s, 10% get F’s. The rest are mediocre. Steve, in his plaid pants and coral sweatshirt, gets an A, and Donna makes the comment about how he’s good in history, but bad in everything else… like matching his clothes. 

In journalism, Andrea reminds Brandon about the impending due date of his swim team article. He tells her that he’s got too many tests to study for. “Welcome to West Beverly,” Andrea says condescendingly. He throws out that she doesn’t have a job and she retorts that she runs the paper. First off, is she spending a lot of her personal time working on the paper? I remember our newspaper editors, and I can’t say they struck me as burning the candle at both ends. She finally relents, and says she will give the assignment to someone else (chalk another one up for rich white dude entitlement.) She also says that he’s just mad he got a C, friggin loser. She doesn’t say that but you can see it in her eyes. Andrea then offers to help Brandon study for the next test, because she managed to get an A. Because she is not a loser.

Dylan is still Ooooo, on the TLC tip in his overalls. Kelly says, “What I wouldn’t give to go out with Dylan McKay.” The answer to that  is your best friend, Kelly. Brenda says that she’s heard he’s trouble, as all the best ones are. They approach him, seemingly with this weeks lunchtime poll. Kelly wants to know if guys prefer long or short hair and Dylan replies that he likes blondes. Dylan, did you not pay attention to the very simple question? I don’t even know why we do these damn polls anyway. He then asks Brenda if she is Brandon‘s sister and they stare at each other for an uncomfortably long time. Kelly also clearly becomes uncomfortable, but I think it’s because no one has mentioned her brooch.

Cindy catches Brenda fussing in front of a mirror and hold her she’s beautiful and Brenda responds, “not California beautiful.“ I teeter between thinking “That’s right. You are a fierce woman. Embrace your confidence.”  And “Ugh, shut up Brenda.” Brenda also fails to mention that she was daydreaming about having long wavy blonde hair and using it to attract Dylan. But also, the blond wig looks like it was made entirely of broom bristles and frizz. Andrea, who name Jim and Cindy actually pronounce correctly, and Brandon are studying and Brandon asks a question. Andrea answers it and Brandon mansplains the answer, only to be completely wrong. As most mansplainers are. Jim comes in, and Brandon suddenly knows how to pronounce Andrea’s name. Jim, Brandon’s biggest cheerleader, tells Andrea that she’s in luck because history is Brandon’s best subject. Andrea doesn’t correct him, because she’s a better person than I am. I would’ve been like, “Listen here Jimbo. I am here helping the brainiac because he got a C on his test, but tell me again how lucky I am.…Parents love me.” Brandon, upset that a girl is smarter than him, picks a fight with Andrea and is then shocked when she leaves. Was it his snazzy vest? Brandon ends up getting another C, so Steve offers to let him join his study group.

To be clear, Steve’s study group consists of Steve and a pool float. Brandon quizzes is him, but Steve says that he doesn’t need to know that information. Steve tells Brandon that he’s a good guy and then says, “I don’t tell many people that.” Is that because we’ve never actually seen you with anyone else? And Brandon reciprocates the sentiment. Except for that whole racism bit. The next day, Brandon notices that the questions Steve told him to study are the exact questions on the quiz and very loudly accuses Steve of stealing the test. Steve is offended that Brandon doesn’t just think he’s smart… and psychic.

Once back at Steve’s mansion, Steve admits he stole the test and shows Brandon the next week’s quiz, promising they will not get caught. Brandon finally relents and says, “It’s just a quiz, right?”

Brenda is styling her hair in the school bathroom and Kelly and Donna criticize her and then give her the name of stylist to help change her look. They are very subtle, as most mean girls are. Of course, Brenda can’t afford the stylist And then, looking in the mirror, Donna realizes she has both contacts in one eye. In the writers room, “You know what we should do? Make the bosses daughter dumb.”

Brandon aces the quiz and the whole class claps for him, because that’s what high schoolers do, cheer on those who excel academically, and screw up the curve. Andrea asks Brandon if they can try studying together again and Brandon declines. Meanwhile Brenda catches Kelly and Dylan flirting in the hall and begs Cindy to give her money to go get her hair done. Cindy, of course, tells her no, while cutting up fruit, but reminds her of how beautiful she is.

The Walsh family all fawn over Brandon’s essay, while Brenda refers to the history teacher as a Nazi. If only she knew what the future would hold, with all of the Nazis. She then gets angry at Brandon because Dylan likes blondes and Brandon is like, “WTF is happening here?”and tells her he needs to study. Brandon takes a break from his studies to go to the Peach Pit, where he runs into Mr. Denzel and tells him what a horrible, ineffective teacher he is before having absolutely no consequences. Brandon decides to cheat, but he gets caught by Andrea.

At yet another barbecue at the Walshes, Kelly congratulates Brandon on his quiz grade. Of course, Jim has to heap on the praise as well, and Brandon obviously feels guilty so he asks everyone to stop. I agree, and not because he cheated, but because it is ONE QUIZ. Kelly remarks that she just appreciates that they are all talking to each other. 

She then instructs Brenda on the fine art of at home hair color. She’s mixed two colors together, and whatever she’s shaking sounds like water, so I’m assuming it will all go well. To top it off, she tells Brenda she has to leave the color on all night as she literally shakes the color on to Brenda’s hair. I’ve been coloring my hair for a long time, and neither of those is correct.

Needless to say, we hear Brenda screaming “Oh my God.” (And not the good kind) over the theme from Psycho the next morning. Her hair has taken on a trapezoid shape and is a myriad of colors, none of which occurs in nature. Jim and Cindy are obviously shocked by Brenda’s hair, and her tapestry skirt, but Brandon convinces them to be supportive.

At school, Dylan thousand Brandon that Denzel is retiring, but is “keeping it quiet.“ They must have talked about it while thrift shopping together, Denzel buying his suits, and Dylan buying his plaid pajama pants. Steve hunts Brandon down and try to convince him to cheat on the midterm, but Brandon refuses. Brandon in turn, hunts Andrea down “to explain” but ends up telling her she just judgmental. Like it’s a bad thing. Judgmental is my favorite way to be.

Denzel hasn’t completely overlooked Brandon’s tirade, as he makes a point to call him out in class when he can’t answer a discussion question. To be fair, Brandon deserved far worse.

Brenda gets lectured, rather forcefully, by Cindy about how naturally beautiful she is, all while Cindy sports a perm that is desperately holding on. Steve, meanwhile, makes a stop by the Peach Pit to make sure Brandon isn’t going to turn him in. Steve tries to convince Brandon that everyone cheats and he’s got to decide if he wants to get on board the “cheat train.” Kind of like Soul Train, but instead of dancing, they cheat. He then hands Brandon a copy of the midterm. How many copies does he have? Did he go to the library and pay a dime per page to make copies? At the end of his shift, he finds Mr. Denzel outside, waiting for the auto club to change his tire. Of course, Brandon, the resourceful Midwesterner, knows how to change a flat. Mr. Denzel explains that before his wife died, she helped him pick out all of his suits, and that is why he can’t get rid of the. Remember, there are no real villains in Beverly Hills. As Brandon is bent down, the midterm falls out of his back pocket. Mr. Denzel hands it back without looking at it, as you should. 

Brandon is studying at the library, and Andrea is there studying as well. He decides to beat a dead horse as he confronts Andrea about her anger at his cheating. She literally got a “C” because you cheated, Brandon, she’s justified in her anger. He tells her that she treats him like they are in a relationship and suddenly she’s the bad guy. How do men do that? It’s a dick move, Brandon.

Brenda decides to go for literally the only jog we ever see her on and Dylan rides by on his motorcycle. He recognizes her and turns around. Nothing has ever looked as good as Dylan swinging his leg over the seat of the bike and pulling his helmet off. He asks Brenda about her hair, and reveals that he actually likes blondes, brunettes, and redheads (yay, I’m one of those.) He says that he’s got a stylist friend that owes him a favor (did Dylan smolder someone to death for him?) and Brenda says, “I like your butt……I mean bike.” One of her only endearing moments. 14 year old me screamed, “Me too!”

When Brandon returns home from the library, he confronts his parents about their expectations for him. Damn you, Jim and Cindy, for being proud of your children and wanting them to succeed. Damn you. Also, no consequences for an ugly tirade, yet again. 

At school the next day, Brandon and Andrea apologize to each other in a really awkward exchange, where they refer to themselves in the third person. In class, Mr. Denzel has everyone rip us their midterms, and instead asks them to answer a essay question, and Brandon is actually prepared! He turns in his test and he and Mr. Denzel share a moment about Denzel’s dead wife, prompting Brandon to refer to himself in the third person again. The episode ends and we never see Mr. Denzel again, but Brandon is not done referring to himself in the third person, and is Steve ever really done cheating?